Learning to Live
by justkillingtime
Summary: Everything was perfect until it wasn't. Driving home from their honeymoon Alex and Izzie are involved in a horrific car accident. This story is Izzie's journey as she learns to live in a world quite different to the one she was meant to be in.
1. Prolouge

Izzie slipped the photo album back into the box and replaced the sticky tape on it. A single tear ran down the side of her face. She still couldn't believe she was really leaving Seattle. She was really leaving the last five years of her life behind her. She was really getting a fresh start, or at least trying to.

"Is that the last box?" Meredith asked, walking into the now empty room and handing Izzie a glass of lemonade.

"Yep," Izzie smiled taking the glass from Meredith. "Did those kids finally convince you to buy some?"

"Yeah, there are only so many times you can say no to a five year old."

The two women laughed and then looked around the completely empty house. "I still can't believe you're really going."

"Me either." Izzie sighed. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

"The fresh start will do you good." Meredith offered. She'd been the one to suggest Izzie apply for fellowships interstate and had been the one to encourage her to take the offer in New York instead of the one in Seattle.

"I hope so." Izzie sighed and she sucked down the rest of the drink and handed the empty glass to Meredith. She bent down and picked up the box. "If I want to make it there by Sunday afternoon I should probably get going."

"Probably." They walked out the house together and joined the others on the front lawn. George and Derek had just finished repacking the boot of Izzie's car. The number of boxes she'd left out of the truck had kept multiplying and they'd worried they wouldn't all fit. They both looked up in horror as they saw her with another box.

"I thought you said this was everything?" Derek said waving to the precision packed boot.

"It is." Izzie smiled. "Don't worry this one can ride up the front with me."

She opened the door and placed the final box on the front seat next to where she'd be sitting. As she did she looked into the back seat and checked that everything was as it should be. She closed the door and turned to face her friends. Everyone was staring at her, no one knew quite what to say. Good-byes were not something any of them were good at.

"I guess it's time." She finally said. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Meredith. "Thank you so much for everything." She spoke into her shoulder. "I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for you."

"It's no problem." Meredith whispered back and she pulled Izzie closer to her. "I'm going to miss you. You have to promise me you'll take care of yourself and phone."

"I promise." Izzie whispered back and she let go of Meredith.

Next was Derek, they weren't exactly friends but they'd grown closer over the years. He'd helped out a lot and had let Izzie borrow Meredith as much as she needed.

"I'm going to hold you to that promise Stevens." He said and he held out his hand. She went to shake it but he pulled her in for a hug. As her arms wrapped around his shoulder he whispered into her ear. "If it doesn't work out over there I can pull some strings for you to come back."

"I'll keep that in mind." She smiled and moved on to Cristina.

Affection and Cristina didn't go well together. In the many years they'd known each other Izzie could almost count on one hand the number of times she'd seen her offer or willingly accept affection from another person. But here the two women stood and Cristina stepped forward and hugged Izzie.

"Don't let those New York doctors push you around." She said before laughing. "What am I talking about. When have you let anyone push you around. "

"Thanks." She smiled, half laughing and she moved onto George. George was already crying. He'd been crying on and off all day. "Stop crying." She told him. He put his hands up to his eyes and whipped them.

"I'm not crying. It's your stupid lawn. I'm allergic to it."

"Whatever." She stepped forward and hugged him. "I'll only be a phone call away."

George had been her only friend to actually say he didn't want her to leave. He thought she should stay but she knew she couldn't. If she was ever going to move forward she needed to put her past behind her and being surrounded by so many memories made that hard.

"I'm going to miss you."

"I know. I'm going to miss you too." She pulled him closer to her and they just stood there for a moment. "This isn't good bye. We'll keep in touch." She let go and stepped back. She climbed into the car and rolled down the window. "I'll phone when I reach the motel tonight." She said. And she drove off.

As she drove she told herself not to cry. She told herself again that she was doing the right thing. She told herself she was doing what she had to do. She still couldn't believe she was actually leaving. If someone had told her four years ago this is what she'd be doing now she would have hit them. This wasn't what she'd planed. But life never goes the way you plan.


	2. Four years earlier

**_Four years earlier._**

Izzie and Alex stood in the centre of the empty house. Izzie was all smiles, they'd been looking for a house for less than two weeks and they'd already found the perfect home.

"It's perfect." Izzie whispered to Alex. Everything about the house was right, from the location, to the layout, to the price. She could hardly contain her excitement as they waited for the real estate agent to return.

"So what do you think?" the agent asked as she returned to the room.

"We'll take it." They said in unison and then started laughing.

"Newlyweds?" The agent asked looking at the happy couple.

"Not quite." Alex smiled. "The wedding is in three weeks."

-8-8-8-8-8-

**_Three weeks later_**

Izzie stood in front of the mirror; she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Meredith came up behind her and placed the vale on her head. "You look stunning." She said to her and Izzie opened her eyes and smiled. She really did look stunning.

Outside they could hear the cars pulling up as the guests arrived. The reception was going to be small but half the hospital it seemed were coming to the ceremony. Meredith walked to the window and watched the people walk into the church.

"Is Alex here yet?" Izzie asked. There was no way Alex was going to get cold feet, they'd just finished buying a house together but she was still nervous. She began running her vowels through her head again. She knew them by heart but she wanted everything to be perfect. She was going to remember this day for the rest of her life and she wanted it to be for all the right reasons.

"Not yet."Meredith replied. "But it's still early."

The ceremony wasn't due to start for another twenty minutes. Izzie began pacing the room in small circles. She wanted to get this started, she wanted to be with Alex again. She hadn't seen him in nearly twenty four hours. As part of the bride's not meant to see the groom on the wedding day superstition she'd spend the night at Meredith's house.

"Can you stand still?" Cristina piped from one of the chairs. She'd been painting her nails and now she was shaking her hands in an attempt to dry them. "You're making me nauseas."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Alex stood at the front of the church nervously rocking on the balls of his feet. He checked his watch, there was two minutes until the ceremony was supposed to start. He wondered where Izzie was. He knew she was somewhere in the building. She wouldn't be late, she wanted this more than anything and he knew how much she wanted it all to be perfect.

Right on 2pm the music started playing and right on queue the doors opened. Meredith was the first to appear followed closely by Cristina. Izzie waited until they were at the front before she made her entrance. Not having a father to give her away she was making the walk down the aisle alone. She opened the doors and she stepped through. She waited for everyone to turn and look at her and then she began walking forward. She felt everyone's eyes following her but her eyes were fixed on Alex.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Everything about the ceremony and the reception was perfect. Everything went to plan. They had one of those dream weddings where nothing went wrong.

"I keep expecting something to happen." Izzie laughed to Meredith "but nothing has happened."

"Be careful what you say you don't want to jinx it." Meredith whispered just as Alex came up behind them both. He wrapped his arms around Izzie and planted a kiss on the side of her face and then proceeded to work his way around to her neck. As he did he whispered.

"It's nearly eleven. Do you want to head off?" Izzie giggled in his arms. Meredith rolled her eyes and walked away. Sometimes they seemed so happy together it made her feel nauseas. Izzie twisted around in his arms and kissed him back.

"I guess we should tell everyone we're leaving." She replied in between kisses.

Alex made the announcement and within ten minutes they were driving away. For their honeymoon they were going to stay in a tiny cottage by a lake. It was about an hours drive out of Seattle. They'd only been able to get the long weekend off work so they didn't want to be spending all their time driving. They pulled in at the cabin just after midnight. Alex unlocked the door and carried Izzie through it. They were laughing and giggling like a couple of school kids.

Inside the cabin was exactly the like the brochure. The caretaker of the property had even stopped by and lit the fire for them. It was warm and cozy and everything they could have wanted. They fell down onto the bed together and spent their first night together as husband and wife.


	3. Chapter 3

Izzie liked being married. She loved introducing herself to the people of the town they were staying near as Mrs Karev. Everything was going the way it should be. They'd had the dream wedding and the dream honeymoon.

"Do you think right now we are the luckiest people around?" Izzie asked Alex on the Monday afternoon as he packed the car.

"I know we are." He replied and they kissed once more. They hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other all weekend.

"I wish we could stay here forever." Izzie began to muse. "We could live in out own little bubble of perfectness."

"Yeah" Alex smiled. "But what about all those people we've been trained to save."

"Someone else will save them." Izzie shrugged but she knew Alex was right, the hospital was just as much a part of them as anything else was and if they didn't go back who they were as people might begin to change.

"I guess we should get going if we want to be back before dark." She continued, knowing they had to go back.

-8-8-8-

Alex pulled the car into gear and they began the drive back to Seattle. They'd been driving for less than two minutes when Izzie lent over and began kissing Alex's neck.

"Not now Iz, I'm driving." Alex said but she didn't pull away. She ran her fingers down his arm and placed her hand on top of his on the gear stick. Even the inches between them in the car were too much for her to handle. Alex turned and smiled at her. He took his eyes off the road for just a second but that was all it took. They started going around a blind corner. From the other direction another car was coming, the other car was going too fast and crossed onto their side of the road. There was no time for Alex to react, they both saw what was going to happen the second before it happened. Izzie screamed and gripped Alex's hand tighter and then the cars collided.

-8-8-8-

Izzie opened her eyes and blinked. There was blood running down her face, she couldn't see straight. She tried to use her hand to wipe it but she couldn't move her arm. "Shit" she whispered as her vision finally became clear and she realized the seriousness of their situation. Alex was slumped forward over the steering wheel. There was blood coming from his mouth and he wasn't moving. "Alex! Alex!" she began calling and she tried to reach out for him. She couldn't reach him. "Alex!" She took a deep breath and she forced her body to move toward him. Pain shot down her arm and across her neck and chest. But she reached him. She reached out and touched his face. "Alex, Alex! Wake up!"

For five long minutes she sat in the car stroking his face. She was so scared he was dead but then he woke up. Alex opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Izzie. Her face was only inches away from his and soaked in blood and tears. "Izzie." He whispered and reached out and touched her cheek. A moment later the first sign of help arrived. "We're going to be okay." He told her and then he passed out again.

-8-8-8-

A paramedic slipped a brace around Izzie's neck and told her to lean back. She didn't want to lean back though she wanted to be close to Alex. She reached out for his hand as the medic carefully pulled her back to the seat. Next to her another medic was treating Alex. They'd slipped a brace around his neck and where carefully pulling him back against the chair. They were hooking them both up to small portable BP and pulse rate monitors. Izzie could hear Alex's beeping very slowly.

Outside the fire department was trying to cut them free of the wreck. Izzie heard someone say they'd cut the driver out first, that his condition wasn't stable. She reached over and grabbed Alex's hand again. She wasn't going to let him go.

It took over an hour to cut Alex from the wreck. He was unconscious for the majority of the time but occasionally he'd come too. He kept telling her he loved her and everything would be okay. She tried not to cry but she was so scared. She was comprehending a lot more of the situation. When they finally removed enough of the car to free Alex the medics carefully pulled him out and lay him on to a stretcher. Someone had to physically pull Izzie's fingers from his. In the background she heard a helicopter take off and only now that she was alone did she let herself cry.

-8-8-8-

Meredith and Christina sat together in the cafeteria. They had just over an hour left on their shift and no patients to cut open.

"Do you think anyone would notice if we left early?" Meredith asked Christina.

"You, probably not, but the Chief's been on my back all afternoon with this Chief Resident stuff. I'm all for the power trip but the paper work is just annoying. You know we have twenty new interns starting tomorrow and I had to read everyone one of their profiles and assign them all to a resident."

Meredith took a bite of an apple. "You're the one who wanted it." She shrugged. She hadn't applied for the Chief Resident position. "Izzie invited us over to her place tonight to catch up. Are you coming?" She asked changing the subject.

Christina looked up at her with a 'you've got to be kidding me expression'. "Are you sure about that? I don't think those two are going to want any company for a while."

"That's what Izzie said on Friday. They've had nothing but each other for two days. I'm sure they can handle some company for a couple of hours."

Meredith took another bite of the apple, they sat there for a moment eating and then their pages both went off. They checked them simultaneously.

"911 to the roof, shit." They both said standing up and taking off at a run. The food they'd been eating was left discarded.

"What do you think it is?" Meredith asked as they rode up in the elevator.

"I hope it's something interesting." Christina stated as they both walked onto the roof.

The chopper was just landing as they walked out. The wind blew their hair around and the noise was so loud they could hardly hear each other. The personal on the chopper started wheeling the patient out. They yelled as loudly as they could.

"Alex Karev. Thirty-three. Male restrained driver. Prolonged extraction, obvious chest and leg trauma. Has been slipping in and out of consciousness reroute."

Neither woman heard the name when it was said, or if they did, it didn't register. Christina was examining the chest trauma and Meredith had taken the chart and was examining the stats. They wheeled the gurney into the elevator and it was finally quiet enough for them to hear themselves.

Alex opened his eyes and blinked. His head hurt, his chest was screaming. It hurt to breath. "Izzie." He said and he tried to look around but he couldn't move. He couldn't remember what had happened. There were people standing all around. He moved his arm, he reached over with his hand grabbed hold of someone he pulled them down to him.

Meredith felt the patient grab hold of her arm and pull her down. She looked at the patients face for the first time and she froze. "Alex." Everything she'd been planning to do, planning to say suddenly went out her head. He pulled her down to him. Their faces were so close they were almost touching.

Alex recognized the doctor as Meredith. "Where is Izzie?" he asked feeling terrified.

Meredith looked back at Alex stunned. Her brain wasn't working fast enough, she couldn't find her tongue. "Where's Izzie?" he asked again.

"I . . . I don't know." She replied realizing Izzie had to have been in the car also. Alex stared back at her, she could see the fear in his eyes. It wasn't a look she'd seen on Alex before and that was enough to scare her also.

"Find her."He whispered. And Meredith felt his grip on her loosen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the comments. Here is a little bit more.**

* * *

She stood up feeling shaken; she'd completely forgotten how to be a doctor.

"Dr Grey!" They'd reached the floor for radiology and everyone was waiting for her to move forward. Instead she stepped back from the gurney.

"'Page me before you go into the OR." She said and then she watched as they exited the elevator.

She caught the elevator back to the roof; the chopper was just about to leave when she arrived.

"Wait!" she called out. She ran over to the pilot. "There was a woman in the car. Do you know which hospital she went to?"

"No, sorry." The pilot replied. "I've got to go." He closed the door and waited for Meredith to get clear and then took off.

Meredith stood alone on the roof. "Shit" she thought to herself. She was trying to remember what to do next, what the correct procedure was to find someone. She caught the elevator down to the main floor. She grabbed the hospital directory and a map. She knew where Alex and Izzie had been staying. She traced a line between there and Seattle and then systematically began phoning every hospital along it.

"Hi. I'm looking for my friend. She was in a car accident. Has she been brought to your hospital? Her name is Isobel Stevens." She asked the first operator.

"No sorry." The operator replied. Meredith thought for a moment.

"How about Isobel Karev?"

"No sorry she's not here."

Meredith had the same conversation with five hospitals before she finally found the right one.

"Yes, she's here." The woman on the other end of the phone said. Meredith felt her insides tighten up.

"How is she?" She asked. In the background she could hear the woman moving papers around.

"Her injuries are relatively minor." The woman began. "But we had to give her a sedative to calm her down."

"Okay." Meredith nodded to herself. She was trying to work out what to say next. "Her husband is at Seattle Grace. Can I organize for her to be transferred there?"

She heard the woman shuffle more papers around. "That shouldn't be a problem but I'll need a request form from Seattle Grace." She finally responded.

"Thank you." She replied and she hung up the phone and ran as fast as she could to the OR floor.

-8-8-8-

Alex lay spread out on the OR table. His films hung on the walls around them. Meredith didn't look at them but Alex had seen them. He knew exactly what kind of state he was in. His body was running on adrenalin. He'd convinced Christina to give him another shot of it and allow him to wait for Meredith to come back before they operated. He needed to know that Izzie was okay.

"I found her." Meredith began as she knelt down beside him. "She's okay. She's at another hospital. They're going to transfer her here."

"Good." He felt his mind begin to relax a little."Meredith, if something happens, tell her I love her. Tell her I want her to be happy. Tell her I want her to find someone who loves her as much as I do." The words came out much stronger than he thought they would. Meredith looked back at him; her eyes were starting to glass over. "Promise me you'll tell her."

"I won't have to." Meredith whispered and she stepped back from the table. "You're going to be okay." Then the anesthetist stepped over and within two seconds he was out cold.

She didn't know if he'd be okay. They're words which as a doctor you're never meant to say because you never know for sure what's going to happen. But she had to say them, for herself.

"Save him." She said and she walked out the room.

As she walked away she looked down at her hands, they were shaking, she felt like she wanted to be sick. She couldn't fathom what was happening. She knew it happened every day but it wasn't supposed to happen to them. She walked in a daze down to the nurses' station. She collected the form she needed to arrange Izzie's transfer and began filling it out. She concentrated on her hand writing and when she was finished she walked to Chief Webber's office.

"I need you to sign this." She said handing him the form.

"What is it?" he asked as he put his glasses on. He looked down at the paper and read what it said. "Is this…"

"Yes." She answered before he could say her name. "They were in a car accident. Karev's in OR three now. It doesn't look good." The words came out of her mouth completely flat. She couldn't afford to let her emotions get the better of her. But she couldn't hide the way she was feeling. Chief signed the form and handed it back to her. "Thank you." She whispered and then she just stood there. She didn't know what to do.

"Dr Grey." The Chief asked after a minute. "Do you need some time off?"

"Thank you." She whispered again and she walked out the office.

She faxed the transfer form off at the first fax machine she found and then she sat down in the chairs in the waiting area and waited. It would be more than an hour before Izzie would arrive and she had no idea how long Alex would be in surgery. She felt very flat and drained. It had been less than twenty minutes since Alex had arrived but the relaxed feeling she'd felt before then seemed like an eternity ago. Her mind was already preparing her for bad news. She was subconsciously detaching herself from the situation. She didn't think about how she felt, instead she thought about Izzie, how she would react. She put her head down in her hands and concentrated on her breathing. She sat there for a long time, everyone else went about their business around her, it was just another day to all of them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the comments, it's nice to know there are people reading this. Here is a little bit more.**

* * *

From the other side of the room George watched Meredith sitting in a chair in the waiting area. He'd seen her sit like that before, usually after something bad had happened. He waited for her to move but after ten minutes she was still sitting there.

"Meredith, are you okay?" He asked taking a seat beside her.

Meredith sat up and looked at George. She used her hands to wipe her eyes. "I'm okay." She said and she took a deep breath. George didn't know what had happened, no one had told him yet. "Alex and Izzie were in a car accident." She began. "I think Izzie is okay. She's not here yet. Alex is in OR three with Christina."

"Oh my god." George whispered under his breath and then he went quite. He didn't know what to say. He just felt ill. He reached over and took Meredith's hand. He gave it a squeeze and then the two of them just sat there and waited

-8-8-8-

"Suction! I need more suction." Christina yelled as she tried to clear the surgical field. "I can't see what I'm doing. I need more light."

"BP is falling doctor."

"Shit!" Christina pulled her instruments out of the open chest cavity and stuck her hands in. She was looking for the source of the bleeding but there were too many sources. She ordered the anesthetist to administer some drugs and they waited. For a second everything seemed to stabilize but not for long.

"BP is still falling doctor." The anesthetist informed her and then the OR filled with the sound no doctor wants to here, the persistent wailing of a flat lining patient. "He's coding doctor." Someone yelled as if she didn't already know.

She yelled for the paddles and she shocked his body but nothing happened. "Come on Alex. Don't you die on me." She yelled as the paddles charged again. She shocked him six times but there was still no response.

"Come on Alex!" She threw the paddles aside and began manual chest compressions. She worked on him for twenty minutes before someone pulled her off him.

"Call it doctor." Someone was saying from behind her. "He's not coming back."

She stood staring at the flat lining monitor. Inside she was swearing at herself, swearing at the situation.

"Time of death 7:42pm."

From behind she felt someone touch her. She pushed them away and stormed out of the OR. She was converting her emotions into anger. She pulled her gloves off and threw them into the bin. "Shit!" She swore loudly and yanked her mask from her face. She pulled her scrub cap off and her surgical gown. She threw them all into the bin and spun around. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. She'd lost patients before but this was different. She waited until she was calm before she left the scrub room.

-8-8-8-

Meredith looked down at her watch. It had been well over an hour since Alex had arrived. She hadn't heard anything from the OR but she hadn't gone looking for information either. George was still sitting beside her. Neither one of them had moved.

"Izzie will be here soon." She said slowly standing up. "Let's go down to the ER so we can meet her." George stood up to follow her but just as they were about to leave Christina exited the elevator and started walking toward them. They both knew what she was going to say before she even reached them. It was written all over her body language, her demeanor.

"There was nothing we could do." She said and she slumped down into the seat Meredith had just vacated. "We tried everything but there was too much damage." She lent back and looked at the ceiling. She closed her eyes for a moment and breathed. She felt Meredith sit down beside her so she stood up again. She had to keep moving. "I've got to go find his mother." She said and she walked off.

Meredith and George both stood and watched Christina walk away. Neither one of them said anything. They didn't need to say anything. They both knew exactly what the other was thinking. Neither one of them was thinking about themselves, neither one was thinking about how this made them fell. They were both thinking. "This is going to kill Izzie."

They both remembered how Izzie had been after Denny died. That had almost killed her and the relationship they'd had was nothing compared to what she had with Alex. For the last two years they'd been inseparable. They'd become an extension of the other; neither one of them had seemed complete without the other. And now Alex was dead, he was gone, he wasn't coming back.

As they stood there Meredith felt her pager go off. She picked it up and checked it. "Izzie's here." She said and she started walking off. George didn't follow her, he didn't know what he was supposed to say to Izzie. What he was supposed to do. He couldn't deal with this so he did the next best thing. He went back to work.

-8-8-8-

Izzie's arrival was expected and so a room was already set aside for her. When Meredith reached the room Izzie was in there alone. She appeared to be sleeping. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was slow and steady. She looked almost peaceful but the signs of trauma were written all over her. Her face and arms were all cut up. There was a large gash which ran from her temple around to the top of her hair line. Her right arm was wrapped in a heavy splint. Meredith picked up her chart and started reading it. She had a mild concussion, whiplash, five broken ribs, a dislocation of her right shoulder as well as multiple fractures to her right arm. At the previous hospital they'd relocated her shoulder and placed a temporary splint on her arm. They'd also given her a large does of sedative which was due to where off in about fifteen minutes.

Meredith placed the chart back on the end of the bed and for the second time that night she sat and waited. This time she was waiting for Izzie to wake up.


	6. Chapter 6

Izzie opened her eyes and blinked. She instantly recognized her surroundings. She was at Seattle Grace, she was a patient. She tried to move, to sit up but her whole body ached. "Alex? Alex?" she immediately began calling. She heard someone in the room move and then Meredith was standing beside her. Meredith adjusted her bed so she was sitting up.

"Where's Alex?" She asked looking straight at Meredith. She noticed Meredith looked tired, her eyes were red and blood shot. "Meredith, where is he?"

"Iz," Meredith sat down on her bed and placed her hand over hers. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Yes." She closed her eyes for just a second and an image of the accident came to her head. In the image Alex was telling her he loved her and everything would be okay. "We were in an accident. They took him first. Where is he? Is he going to be okay?"

"Iz," Meredith moved closer to her and squeezed her hand tighter. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to be the one to tell Izzie, Alex was dead. But she had to tell her, she had to know. "Alex's injuries were very bad. We did everything we could but we couldn't save him."

The words had come out of Meredith's mouth but Izzie wasn't sure she'd heard them right. She felt Meredith move closer to her.

"Izzie." Meredith said waiting for her to react. "I'm so sorry." And then it hit. Izzie felt like she was imploding.

"No. No." She began saying over and over. She didn't understand what she was hearing; she didn't want to believe it. "Where is he?" she said again. "Where is he? I have to see him." She began pulling at her IV line and tried to climb out of the bed but Meredith stopped her. She grabbed hold of her and gently pushed her back down.

"You need to stay in bed." Meredith said but Izzie didn't want to here it.

"No. I need to see him." She tried to climb out of the bed again but someone had put the side rail up and she couldn't work out how to put it down. "I need to see him." She started crying.

Meredith watched as Izzie began to unravel. It made her feel sick and useless. She was in so much pain and there was little she could do about it. "Iz, stop, stop." She said peeling Izzie's hand from the rail and lowering it. "I'll take you to see him. Just let me get you a wheelchair."

"No. I can walk." She swung her legs around and sat on the edge of the bed. She grabbed hold of Meredith's shoulder and used it to push herself up. She stood by the edge of the bed. She wasn't nearly as steady as she though she would be. She felt dizzy and lightheaded. She gripped tighter to Meredith and tried to steady herself.

"Iz you don't have to do this. Let me get you a wheelchair."

"No. I want to walk." She took a few steps forward and then a few more. She walked to the door and stopped. "Where is he?" Said holding onto the door frame for balance. "I need to see him."

"He's down stairs."Meredith said walking forward. "I'll take you to him." She tried to put her arm around Izzie but she was already walking down the corridor.

Izzie walked down the corridors of the hospital as fast as she could. She needed to get to Alex. She needed to see him. She wasn't going to believe what Meredith was telling her until she saw it for herself. Alex couldn't be dead she kept telling herself. He was strong, he wouldn't give up, he wouldn't leave her.

She reached the elevator and hit the button. She began walking around in small circles. Meredith came up behind her. "Izzie you need to slow down." She told her but she couldn't slow down, not yet.

The elevator arrived and they both walked inside. Meredith pressed the button for the basement and then they both stood there. Izzie was starting to shake again. Meredith moved closer to her and she stepped further away. The elevator reached the basement and the doors opened. Meredith stepped out but Izzie just stood there.

She didn't want to move, she couldn't move, she was frozen. They were at the basement. They were going to the morgue. She wanted to see Alex, she needed to see Alex but she didn't want to see him in the morgue. She didn't want him to be dead.

"Iz," Meredith stepped back inside the elevator. She gently put her arm around Izzie's back and this time Izzie didn't push her away. "You don't have to do this now."

"Yes I do." She whispered very quietly and she began walking slowly forward. Every step forward was painful, she felt tears begin to well up in her eyes. She thought she knew exactly what she was going to see. She was trying to mentally brace herself for what she was going to see but no amount of preparation could have ever prepared her.

Izzie waited outside while Meredith talked to the men inside. They were organizing for his body to be laid out for her. Tears were already trickling down her face. She was trying to control herself but it was a futile task.

"We're ready." Meredith said walking out of the room. Izzie stood up and began walking forward. She followed Meredith inside and down a small corridor. "He's in here." She said pointing to another door. "Take as long as you need." And she pushed the door open and Izzie stepped inside.


	7. Chapter 7

The room was colder than every where else. She shivered as she began walking forward. In the centre of the room she could see Alex. He lay on a hard metal table and had a sheet covering all but his head. She moved toward him very slowly, she was afraid of what she was going to see. A small part of her was still trying to tell her this was all a bad dream, that it wasn't true. As soon as she saw him that delusion would be over.

She reached his body and looked down at it. His skin had gone pale and slightly gray. She reached down and touched his face, it was cold. She grabbed hold of his shoulder and started shaking it. "Wake up Alex." She cried but he didn't move. He was really gone, and this time it hit harder than when Meredith had simply told her. She collapsed on top of his body and she began violently sobbing. Her whole body shook and with every sob pain radiated across her chest and down her arm and back. The painkillers as well as the sedatives she'd been given at the other hospital had now completely worn off. She was only vaguely aware of the physical pain she was in, the emotional pain was over riding her and the physical pain was almost comforting.

Meredith watched Izzie through the door. Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw Izzie sobbing. She let her cry for more than twenty minutes before she ventured inside the room. Her sobs had slowed down when Meredith entered; she appeared to be almost sleeping.

"Izzie," Meredith reached out and touched her shoulder. She opened her eyes and stared back but she didn't say anything, she didn't have to, the pain she was in was written all over her face. "We have to go. You can't stay here."

She pulled her arms around him tighter. "I can't leave him." She said and she started sobbing again.

Meredith stepped back. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. She wasn't going to physically pull her off him but she needed to do something and then she remembered Alex. She remembered what he'd told Izzie after Denny had died, when no one else knew what to do.

"Izzie, this isn't Alex anymore. He stopped being Alex the minute he stopped breathing and his heart stopped." She gently placed her hand on Izzie's shoulder and pulled up. This time Izzie went with her. She let go of Alex and stood beside Meredith. She was shaking very badly now. She gripped tightly on to Meredith to steady herself and the two of them walked slowly back to her room.

-8-8-8-

Meredith helped Izzie into bed and pulled the blanket up over her. Izzie rolled onto her side and pulled her knees up to her chest. With broken ribs and a broken arm the position hurt but she wanted to crawl up into a ball and the pain wasn't so bad, she liked the physical pain. She started quietly sobbing, tears streamed down her face but her whole body was no longer shaking.

"I'm going to get something to help you sleep." Meredith told her before walking out the room. When she returned Izzie let her inject something into her IV line. She didn't know what it was, she didn't really care. She let the drugs run through her system and she cried herself to sleep.

Meredith stayed with Izzie until she was asleep then she quietly slipped out the room. She was going to go home. She was emotionally drained and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. She was almost at the door when she heard someone call her name.

"Meredith, Dr Grey." Someone said from behind her. She turned around and saw Alex's mother standing there. Her eyes were red and swollen; it was obvious she'd been crying. "Can I talk to you?"

Meredith nodded and walked over to the seats at the front of the hospital and sat down. "What can I do for you?" She asked. She didn't particularly want to talk to Alex's mother, she didn't know the woman and she was having a hard enough time dealing with her own grief and Izzie's, she couldn't handle anyone else's.

"I just want to talk. I need someone to talk to. A mother is not meant to bury her son. It's not right."

"I know." Meredith sighed. There was nothing about the situation which was right.

"I saw him on Saturday at the wedding. He was so happy…and Isobel…How is Isobel?"

Meredith thought for a moment, she wasn't sure how to describe Izzie. "Not good." She eventually replied before adding. "They've given her a sedative for tonight. We'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow."

"The poor girl. This would be horrible for her." Alex's mom said between her own sobs. "I never realized how much paper work there is when someone dies. All the death certificates and life insurance, and funeral arrangements, permits to move the body."

"Move the body?"She wasn't sure she'd heard right.

"Back to Iowa." His mother continued. "He's going to be buried next to his grandfather."

"Oh." Meredith said. The thought that Alex's family might want to take his body home hadn't crossed her mind yet. She'd just assumed he would be buried somewhere in Seattle. This had been his home for the last four year. They'd been his family for the last four years. She didn't have the energy to argue this point with her now but she made a mental note to bring it up tomorrow. "I've got to go." She said standing up and walking out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the comments guys. I'm sad that Alex is dead too but it was an idea I had that I wanted to try and explore and write. Keep the comments up. Here is a little more.**

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George stood at the nurses' station staring blankly at a patient's chart. He'd been staring at it for ten minutes and he had no idea why. He couldn't concentrate, he couldn't focus, he kept thinking about Izzie and Alex and what had happened. He didn't want to think about it, he was trying to use work to distract him but it wasn't working.

Christina stood at the opposite end of the nurses' station watching George. He'd been staring at the same chart for ten minutes but he didn't seem to be doing anything with it. He looked like he was trying to hide his grief behind his work but was doing a horrible job of it. That's what she'd been doing the whole evening, working. She was keeping herself busy so she wouldn't have to stop and think about what had happened. She knew what had happened; she'd been there when it happened. But she hadn't stopped long enough to think about it, to actually process it. She'd been bitching earlier about the paper work required for the Chief Resident position but now she couldn't get enough of it. The new interns all started tomorrow so she'd been reading and rereading every single one of their profiles to the point where she had them memorized. She picked up the pile of folders she'd been carry around with her and walked over to George. She came up beside him and dumped the folders on the bench.

George looked up at her, startled. "Christina." He began but he didn't have anything else to say.

"These are for you." She peeled the first six folders off the pile and dumped them on top of the patient chart he'd been aimlessly staring at.

"What are they?" He picked up the first folder and started looking through its contents.

"Intern profiles. They start tomorrow. I had to do some reassigning you have six now."

"Oh." He opened the second folder and he couldn't help but notice where it said 'assigned resident' Alex's name had been crossed out and his written in its place. He was still staring at this when Christina picked up the remaining folders and started walking off. "Christina." He called out to her. "Do you want to go get a drink?"

The thought of actually stopping scared the shit out of her. "I can't." she said and kept walking.

George watched her walk away and then down at the folders she'd just given him. He'd never read the intern profiles before, it wasn't something he had to do. But it was something he could do. He picked them up and carried them over to a table in an empty meeting room. He pulled the last folder from the pile and started reading it. On this one Izzie's name had been crossed out.

-8-8-8-

Meredith arrived home just before midnight. She was so tied. The events of the evening had taken all her energy away but she couldn't sleep. Her mind was too full. She was still trying to get her head around what had happened. She couldn't believe it had happened, it was just so wrong and sudden and unexpected. She'd dealt with a lot of death in her life and through her work but she'd never thought something like this would happen. Not to them, not like this. She walked into the living room to pour herself a drink and to her surprise she found Derek sitting on the sofa.

"What are you doing here?" She asked slumping into the sofa beside him. She was surprised he was there but it was a nice surprise.

"I heard what happened. I thought you might like some company."

"Thanks." She moved up beside him and let him put his arms around her. She closed her eyes and listened to him breath. She didn't want to talk, she didn't know what to say but she was glad he was there. She tried to imagine what Izzie must be feeling. She tried to imagine how she'd feel if Derek died but she couldn't. She rolled onto her side and rested her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beating.

"Don't you ever die on me." She whispered.

"I'll try not to." He replied pulling her closer to him.

That evening they didn't say anything more. Derek's presence was enough to put her to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

_Izzie stood in the middle of a green field. She was wearing a white sun dress and her hair was pulled partly up with flowers. The sun was beating down on her. From somewhere in the distance she heard someone call her name. _

"_Izzie."_

_She spun around and now in the centre of the field was a single tree. She started running toward it and when she was almost there Alex jumped down. "I've been waiting for you." He said and he wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her. He pulled her closer to him and they started falling to the ground._

_-8-8-8-_

"Alex." Izzie whispered again from her sleep. Meredith lifted her hand to her face and wiped away the tears that were starting to form. She'd slipped into Izzie's room five minutes earlier and that was the second time she'd heard her say his name.

She felt so horrible for Izzie. She desperately wanted to make her feel better but she knew there was nothing she could do. Nothing was going to bring Alex back. All she could do was try and make things as easy for her as possible. Today she was planning on meeting with Alex's mother to talk about funeral arrangements. She wanted to make sure that Izzie had some say in what was going to happen.

-8-8-8-

George stood in the foyer of the hospital with his group of six over egger interns. He was handing out their pages and note books. He was giving them the first spiel of what it was like to actually be a doctor. The first thing on the list of things they had to do was make patient rounds. He looked down at the list of patients he'd been assigned. Halfway down the list was Izzie's name. He wondered if the interns would notice if he skipped her, probably, they looked a little too keen.

-8-8-8-

Meredith watched as the door to Izzie's room crept open and George followed by six interns entered. "George. What are you doing?" She hissed at him but he ignored her. The last intern entered the room and let the door slam shut behind him. Izzie woke with a start.

"Alex." She said opening her eyes but Alex wasn't there. Instead she saw George standing there with a group of six people she'd never seen before.

"Who's presenting?" George said and then Izzie remembered. She felt Meredith gently start rubbing her back. She bit down on her bottom lip. She didn't want to cry, not in front of these people.

"Isobel Stevens." Someone began. "Arrived last night from an MVA. Is scheduled for surgery this morning to stabilize multiple fractures to her right arm."

"Good." George said and he indicated for everyone to leave. He didn't ask any additional questions, he didn't quiz the interns like he did with every other patient he just left. He didn't want to be in Izzie's room any longer than he had to. He didn't want to look at her because just thinking about everything made him want to cry.

-8-8-8-

Izzie lay awake in her bed. It was late afternoon. She watched as a nurse brought in another bunch of flowers. They'd been arriving continuously all day. At first the nurse had read the cards to her as she brought them in. But after the sixth bunch of flowers had arrived from a department or service she had nothing to do with she yelled at the nurse to just leave them. She didn't care who the flowers were from, she didn't want to hear that there were people who felt sorry for her. She'd thrown one of the bunches across the room and another straight at the nurse. After that they doped her up on sedatives as well as the painkillers she was already on.

The sedatives made her mind feel cloudy, she was only partially aware of what was going on around her. But that was probably a good thing. Flowers weren't the only thing that had been coming all day. People had been coming too. People, who she didn't know and didn't care about, people who only came because they happened to work in the hospital. They came to offer their condolences. They said they were sorry. Sorry for what? They didn't do anything. Some said they knew or understood how she felt. If she'd been more alert she would have hit them. No one knew how she felt. As it happened all she did was lay in bed and ignore them or pretend she was asleep. She wished they would go away and just leave her alone.

The only people she cared about were her friends. Meredith had visited her in the morning. She liked Meredith being there. She somehow seemed to know exactly what to say and what not to say. She had a knack for calming her down but she wasn't there now. She'd said she was taking care of things, which she was grateful for too. Christina and George hadn't visited her yet though, not exactly anyways. She'd woken up earlier in the day to find George standing in her door way watching her. But he left a moment after she opened her eyes. She hadn't seen Christina at all. It didn't really surprise her though. Dealing with the emotional side of grief wasn't really her thing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming. :)****. I'm going away for a week or so, so it'll be a little bit until the next update.**

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Meredith sat in a small coffee shop with Alex's mom. Spread out across the table between them were pamphlets and brochures on various funeral homes and transportation companies. They were trying to organize everything but were having a huge problem agreeing. Meredith wanted everything done in Seattle while his mother was insistent that he be taken home to Iowa. 

"He needs to come home." His mother began. "He needs to be with his family, where he grew up."

"He hasn't been there for four years. His home and his family are here now."

"You're just a substitute family. You're not his real family. You've known him four years, what about the other twenty nine? "

Meredith sighed. She was trying to work out legally whether it was Izzie or his mother who had the final say. But even if it was Izzie she didn't really want to put it to her. She'd promised her she'd take care of everything and she didn't think Izzie would be strong enough at the moment to handle it anyways.

"We need to say good bye. Izzie needs to be able to say good bye. She's in no state to be traveling at the moment. We need to do things here."

There was a long pause as a waitress brought them over their drinks. She placed them on the table and made a quick retreat. They both took their time adding sugar. They were both trying to think what to say next. What they could possibly say to convince the other that they were right. But in this situation neither one of them was right. It was Alex's mother who finally offered some kind of compromise.

"What if we had a service here and then after the service we take him back to Iowa. A lot of his friends and family are still in the city because of the wedding. Isobel could say good bye and he could still be buried at home."

Meredith made a point of taking a long sip of her drink. The compromise sounded alright. It was a step forward from what they'd been saying all day. But she didn't want to say anything just yet. She didn't want to agree to it incase she could do something better.

"That might work." She finally said. "I'll ask Izzie what she thinks."

"Alright." His mother sighed. She looked disappointed that Meredith hadn't flat out agreed with her. "I'll start making arrangements for the service."

"Sure." Meredith nodded and she took another sip of her drink. Neither woman said much more while they sat at the table. They were both lost in their own thoughts.

-8-8-8-

Izzie lay awake in her hospital bed. It was early morning, she could just see through the window in her room the last threads of a sun rise. She closed her eyes and tried to fall back asleep. All she wanted to do was sleep. When she was asleep she could be with Alex. But her body didn't need anymore sleep. All she'd been doing for the last thirty six hours was sleep, and cry, and cry herself to sleep.

She quietly cursed at the intern who'd woken her up. Why did they insist on sending them on pre-rounds if they weren't going to teach them some bedside manner first? Don't slam the doors, don't turn on the light. Even if the intern had done that though they still would have woken her up. Why did they insist on doing pre-rounds on sleeping patients? Why were they pre-rounding on her anyway? She wasn't interesting; she'd already had her surgery. She wondered if they knew who she was, probably, maybe that was why they were doing it. They wanted to keep tabs on her.

Behind her she heard the door open and the sound of half a dozen people entering her room. She heard the intern who'd woken her in the morning speak and she heard George. George, who was meant to be her friend but who hadn't visited her yet. She kept her back to them and pretended she was asleep as they spoke about her condition.

She waited until they were gone and then she pressed the call button for a nurse. The nurse who came was an older woman she didn't recognize, that was probably a good thing. She asked the woman for something to make her sleep. She lied and said she hadn't slept all night. The nurse looked at her chart and then said she'd have to ask her doctor. She left and Izzie didn't think she'd come back but ten minutes later she did. She handed her two pills and told her to swallow them.

The pills weren't as effective as the sedatives they'd been injecting into her IV but they did work. About twenty minutes after she took them she felt herself starting to fall asleep. As she drifted off she wondered who her doctor was. If she was her doctor she wouldn't be giving herself sedatives. She knew they weren't good for her and she was only suppressing her grief but she didn't care. If they were willing to give them to her she'd keep taking them. She just wanted to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

George stood in the door way of Izzie's room. He had the door open just enough so he could see inside. But he hadn't gone inside. Instead he just stood in the door way watching her. She was asleep, that's why he hadn't gone in, or at least that's what he kept telling himself. That wasn't the real reason why he hadn't gone inside though. The real reason was he was afraid she might wake up and he wouldn't be able to leave. He didn't know how he was supposed to act around her, what he was supposed to say. He hated himself for being such a coward. He was her friend and she really needed friends right now.

"You could go in there you know." Someone said from behind George. He turned around to see who had spoken. Standing behind him was one of the nurses who'd been seeing to Izzie.

"I can't." He said. "She's sleeping."

"No she's not, her eyes are open." The nurse opened the door a little more. "She's been watching you."

George looked closer. Izzie's eyes blinked but the rest of her body didn't move. She might have been awake. He wasn't sure what to do. If she was awake he should go in and talk to her, but he didn't have anything to say. Thankfully for him his pager went off and he didn't have to decide what to do. The decision was make for him. He had to leave.

-8-8-8-

"_Come here." Alex called as he chased Izzie along the sand. They were at a beach somewhere and the sun was just setting. She stopped and turned around. She was laughing. "Come here." He said again and he held out his arms. She looked at him and smiled. She ran towards him and jumped into his arms. He lifted her up and they spun around. She placed her hands on either side of his face and pulled him closer to her. She kissed him passionately and when she finally pulled away he was smiling. "I love you." He whispered and he started carrying her towards the water. _

"_Alex no." She said as she felt her feet get cold. But he didn't stop. He kept moving deeper into the water. "Alex." She moaned. _

"_You'll be okay." He told her and then they both went under the water._

-8-8-8-

"Isobel, wake up I need you to sign this."

Izzie opened her eyes. The beach was gone, Alex was gone, she was back at the hospital. She shivered. Her blanket had fallen off and she was covered in a light sweat.

"Isobel you need to sign this." She looked up at the person who was speaking to her. She wasn't a nurse, she didn't have the right uniform on. It took a second for her to realize it was Alex's mother. She used her good arm to push herself upright in bed. She held out her hand for the piece of paper.

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's just something for the funeral. You're his wife, you need to give consent."

"Oh." She stared at the form and tried to read it but there were too many words and her eyes wouldn't focus properly. "Consent for what?"

"Moving him." Izzie noticed his mother look down. She didn't give her eye contact as she said it.

"Moving him where?" She didn't know a lot about the procedural side of handling the deceased but she didn't think they'd need consent to move him from the hospital to a funeral home.

"Back to Iowa."

"Oh." Izzie hadn't thought about the funeral at all. Meredith had promised her she'd take care of everything and she'd been happy enough to let her. She hadn't thought about where the funeral would be or where he'd be buried. They were details which didn't seem important to her. Alex was dead and nothing was going to change that.

"Why do you want to take him to Iowa?" She asked. This was the first time she realized she wasn't the only one grieving.

"It's where he grew up." His mother began. "It's where I live, where the rest of his family live. I want to bury him next to his grandfather." Izzie listened as his mother began trying to justify why she wanted to take him home. She cried as she started re telling stories from his childhood, they made Izzie cry too. Izzie tried to think what she wanted but the only thing she wanted was Alex.

"There is going to be a service on Friday. Your friend Meredith was very insistent about giving you a chance to say goodbye. But I'd like to take him back to Iowa after."

"Okay." Izzie nodded slowly. "I'll think about it."

"Thank you." His mother said as she picked up Izzie's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'll let you get some rest." And then she walked out the room.

Izzie lay back down in the bed and closed her eyes. She was trying to work out what she wanted but the more she thought about it the more she realized none of it was really important to her. Nothing anyone did now was going to bring him back. The funeral was a symbolic gesture a way to say goodbye but the funeral itself wasn't important. What people would say was important but not the rest of it she didn't care about flowers and trimmings. She thought about what his mother had said. What his mother wanted. His mother knew what she wanted, she wanted to take him home. Izzie didn't want anything, well nothing she could actually have.

She tried to think how she'd feel if she let his body go back to Iowa, if there was no grave site for her to visit. Did she need a piece of cement with engravings on it to remember him? Not really, he'd always be in her heart that was the only place where he'd be real. A head stone was just symbolic.

His mother knew what she wanted. It was important to her where he was buried. She wanted to be able to visit him. She wasn't even sure she'd be able to bring herself to do such a thing. She picked up the form and looked at it again. She could read what it said now, it detailed everything and at the bottom had a place for her to sign. She picked up a pen. She held it in her left hand which felt weird. She started signing her name, she formed an 'I' and then she stopped. She didn't know how she was supposed to sign it. What name was she supposed to use? She was signing it as his wife. Was she meant to write Karev? The only thing she'd signed Karev was the guest book at the cabin they'd stayed at. She wasn't even planning on changing her name, not properly anyways. At work she'd planed to stay Dr Stevens, for everything else she'd be Mrs Karev. Tears started welling up in her eyes. She knew what she wanted to do but she didn't know how to do it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks for the reviews please keep them coming.**

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Meredith walked down the corridors of the hospital. She moved briskly, she didn't make eye contact with anyone, she didn't want anyone to stop her and try to talk to her, she didn't have the energy to deal with anyone or anything else. She was on her way to see Izzie. In her hand she held all the information regarding Alex's funeral. In the end his mother had taken care of almost all of it, the location, the flowers, the music, she seemed to have very set ideas on how she wanted things done. Meredith didn't have a clue how she wanted things done, she'd never organized a funeral, her family didn't do funerals.

What they'd come up with was nice, a simple service, minus all the trimmings, at the church where they'd been married. At first Meredith had fought the idea of holding the service at the same church. She'd thought it would be a cruel thing to do, it would make a painful moment more painful but his mother had convinced her it was the most appropriate place to hold it.

"They chose the church for a reason in the first place." She'd pointed out to her. "It must mean something to them and…" she added "it's not like they have ties to any other church." It was true, she couldn't remember a single time when Alex had stepped into a church and on the occasions when Izzie had felt the need to pray she'd always gone to the hole in the wall the hospital tried to tell people was a chapel.

For a moment she'd considered holding the service there. But it didn't take a lot of thought to decide that was a bad idea. They only wanted the people that mattered at the service, they didn't want random hospital people to show up just because it was there and they could. She hoped Izzie would like what they'd done and would be okay with it. She hadn't mentioned the possibility of his body going back to Iowa when it was all done. She still didn't really like the idea and didn't think that Izzie would like it either. She thought that if she gave her more time the news might be easier to take, she might be in a position to better comprehend it.

She reached the door to Izzie's room. She knocked on it quietly, waited a moment and when there was no response she walked in anyways. The first thing she noticed when she entered was Izzie was sitting up in bed. This was the first time Izzie hadn't been asleep, or at least laying down when she'd arrived. She thought that was a good sign but then she noticed the tears running down her face and she saw the piece of paper sitting on her lap. A knot tightened around her stomach as she realized what the paper was.

"Izzie." She said placing the papers she held on the bench beside the bed and sitting down next to her.

Izzie turned to look at her but she didn't say anything. She tried to use her arm to wipe some of the tears away.

"Come here." Meredith put her arm around her and puller her closer. Izzie rested her head on her shoulder and the tears started flowing again.

Meredith didn't ask her why she was crying. It was a redundant question. All Izzie seemed to do for the last two days was cry. Eventually she'd either fall asleep or start talking on her own. So far she'd only fallen asleep, she hadn't talked about anything yet. Meredith reached forward and picked up the form which was sitting on Izzie's lap. She already knew what it was. It was the form Alex's mother had been waving in her face earlier that day. She'd said quite clearly when they'd met that morning that it wasn't up to her where Alex's body went it was up to Isobel and if she wasn't going to talk to her about it she sure as hell was.

"I'll make her see." She'd said. "He doesn't belong here. He needs to come home."

The burial was the only part of the funeral yet to be finalized. She looked at the form, she noticed the 'I' Izzie had managed to write. She wondered what his mother had said to make her write that much.

Izzie rested her head on Meredith's shoulder and let the tears continue to flow. She didn't want to be crying but she couldn't help it. All her body seemed capable of doing was cry. She noticed Meredith pick up the form. She watched her read it and when she was finished she started talking.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked quietly.

"I didn't want to bother you. I thought I could make her change her mind." Meredith reached over to the bench and picked up the funeral information. She placed it across both their laps. "I had everything else organized. I was going to talk to you about it now. I didn't think she'd come so quickly." She paused for a moment before continuing. "You don't have to sign it. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. The decision is yours."

"I know." Izzie adjusted her position on the bed and took the form. "I want to sign it but I don't know how."

The response surprised Meredith. She hadn't expected Izzie to give up Alex's body so easily. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." She paused to work out what she wanted to say. "She wants his body. I want him. They're not the same." She looked at the form again, at the 'I' she'd already scrawled. "I just don't know how to sign it."

"I don't think it matters." It probably didn't and deep down Izzie knew that but it didn't change the way she felt.

"It matters to me." She felt Meredith put her arm around her and hug her again.

"If you're sure just do what comes naturally, don't think about it." She said and she handed her a pen.

Izzie grasped the pen in her left hand. It felt awkward, nothing about this was natural she had to concentrate to form every letter. Slowly she began writing _I s o b e l …_ When she'd finished writing her first name she closed her eyes and just let the pen write. When she opened her eyes what she saw was illegible. She couldn't read the letters; she couldn't tell what she had written. Tears started to well up in her eyes again and began falling onto the page.

"It's okay." Meredith told her and she took the pen and paper from her hand and placed them with the rest of the papers she'd brought in. "I'll take care of it tomorrow."

"Thank you," Izzie whispered. "I think I just want to sleep now."

"Okay." Meredith slipped off the bed and lowered it back down. She adjusted the pillows and watched as Izzie curled into a ball. "Would you like me to stay?" She asked but Izzie's eyes were already closed.

"No, I'll be fine." She whispered but she already sounded like she was off in some far away place.

Izzie listened to the sound of the door closing behind Meredith. She opened her eyes and watched the clock on the far wall. She waited ten minutes and then paged for a nurse. The nurse who arrived was new, young, probably out of school less than a year. Izzie asked the nurse for a sedative, she told her which one she wanted and exactly how much of it she needed. When the nurse told her she'd have to check with her doctor first, she told her that really wasn't necessary, that she'd been taking it all week and she couldn't sleep without it. She told the nurse that she'd just be wasting the doctor's time if she bothered him with such a trivial matter and that she should just give it to her. The nurse walked out the room and returned less than a minute later with the exact drug she'd asked for. She injected it straight into her IV and within a few minutes she was sound asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

"Alex…Alex." The word slipped out of Izzie's mouth and hung in the air. Meredith stood and watched her friend twist in the bed and pull her pillow closer to her chest. "Alex."She whispered again.

Meredith placed the bags she was carrying carefully on the ground and moved around the room. She checked her watch, it was still early, she could let her friend sleep a little longer. Maybe she would wake up on her own. She didn't want to wake her up, she was dreaming about Alex and she didn't want to interrupt that. The minutes slowly ticked by and eventually an hour had passed. Izzie still wasn't awake and they needed to get going. Today was Alex's funeral and Izzie had already been discharged.

"Izzie," Meredith walked slowly toward her friend and placed a hand on her shoulder. She gently shook it. "Izzie, you need to wake up. You need to get ready to leave."

Izzie opened her eyes and blinked, the room was so bright. "Alex." She whispered again but she knew he was gone. In his place stood Meredith, she was wearing a black dress and her hair was pulled partly back with a black ribbon.

"You need to get ready to go." Meredith adjusted the bed into a sitting position. Izzie blinked again. She tried to push herself upright. "Which dress do you want to wear?" Meredith reached into one of the bags she'd brought in and pulled out two black dresses.

Izzie twisted and swung her legs around so she was sitting on the edge of the bed. She looked at the two dresses Meredith held up, one she'd acquired from a photo shoot during her modeling days, the other had been a present from Alex. He'd surprised her with it one day. She'd just come home from work and it was sitting on her bed with a note on it telling her to change and meet him down stairs. When he saw her he told her the dress looked more stunning on her than he had imagined. And when she'd asked him what the occasion was he told her there was no occasion, he'd just seen the dress and thought it was made for her. He took her out for dinner and then instead of going home they'd driven to a park and lay under the stars together.

"That one."

She pointed to the one he'd given her as a tear ran down her face. If he was there, if he was watching she thought he might appreciate it. Meredith smiled and handed the dress to her.

"Do you want some help changing?" she asked.

"No. I'll be fine." She slipped off the bed and began slowly walking toward the bathroom.

In the bathroom she untied her gown and let it fall to the floor. In the mirror she saw her body for the first time since the accident. Her skin was pale, her eyes dark and empty, there were cuts and bruises everywhere, her face, up and down her arms and legs. Her chest was a black and blue mess; she could see where her seat belt had pulled against her and the points where her ribs had snapped. She picked up the dress and stepped into it. She slowly pulled it up, her body ached, she couldn't get it around her broken arm. She got frustrated and started crying. Her sobs were loud and after a few minutes Meredith came in. By now she was sitting hunched over on the toilet. Meredith stood beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I can't do it." She whispered looking up at her. She might have been talking about the dress; she might have been talking about life in general. Meredith chose to deal with the present situation.

"Let me help" She held out her hand and helped Izzie stand. She untwisted the dress and carefully fixed it for her. Then she handed her a black shawl, she wrapped it around her shoulders, and fastened it with a broach. "You'll get through this." She smiled at her friend, Izzie tried to smile back but she didn't believe a word Meredith had just said. "Come on we've got to go."

The two women walked out of the room together. They'd only walked a few steps when Izzie stopped.

"I've forgot something." She said and she turned around. "Wait here." She didn't want Meredith to follow her; she didn't want Meredith to know what she had forgotten. She stepped back inside her room and walked over to the cupboard beside the bed. She opened the second draw down and reached into the very back, she pulled out a bottle of pills; she'd stolen them the night before when the nurses had been changing shift. No one knew she had them; she didn't want anyone to know she had them. She dropped the pills into her bag and closed it. Then she walked back into the corridor where Meredith was waiting.

"What did you forget?" Meredith asked as she walked toward her.

"Nothing." She shrugged Meredith didn't need to know what she had taken. "Let's go."

They began making their way to the entrance of the hospital again. Izzie moved slowly now, technically the drugs she'd been taking were worn off but there were still residual affects. Her whole body ached, every step was painful, not just physically but emotionally, she was on her way to Alex's funeral, she was going to say goodbye and then he'd be gone, she would never see him again.

At the front of the hospital Derek sat in the car waiting for them. "Morning, Stevens." He said as she slipped into the back seat.

"Morning." She replied there was no good, just morning; nothing about this day was going to be good. They drove the entire way to the church in silence. Izzie gazed out the window, she watched all the people, all the happy people going about their day. It made her think of Alex, all the moments they were never going to have, she felt sad but she didn't cry, she didn't want to cry, instead she concentrated on her breathing, at the moment it was the only thing she could control.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks everyone who has posted a review. It's nice to know there are people reading the story. And in a response to a few questions that were asked earlier. Meredith and Derek are not married but they are in a long term stable relationship. And I promise things will get better but they're going to get worse first. **

* * *

They arrived at the church early. Derek let both women out at the front and told them he would go around the back to find a park. Meredith smiled at him and then turned to Izzie she tried to smile too but her eyes looked so sad. They climbed out the car and walked inside.

There was no one inside the church. Izzie looked around, it was so much bigger when it was empty. She turned to Meredith, unsure of what she was supposed to do. Meredith smiled and looked at her watch, people should start arriving any minute now.

"Wait here." She told Izzie and then she reached over and took her bag. She walked to the front of the church and placed the bags on the front pew. Then she came back. "We'll greet everyone here." She said.

Izzie nodded and took her place at the entrance of the church but the thought of having to greet everyone made her feel sick. She lent back against the wall and closed her eyes, she was already feeling ill and nothing had started yet. The first people began to arrive a minute later. She stood up and greeted them, she let them shake her hand or hug her and tell how sorry they were for her loss. She tried to smile at them, acknowledge their kind words with some sought of response but her heart wasn't in it. She didn't care about these people, she didn't want their sympathy. The situation soon became overwhelming, she didn't have the energy to handle it. "I can't do this." she said stepping away from the line guests.

She walked to the front of the church and sat down in the pew. She closed her eyes and lent back. She told herself to breath, to hold herself together.

The guests who stood at the door turned to Meredith confused. She shrugged at them and went after Izzie. Izzie hadn't gone very far, she was sitting on the pew at the front of the church. She was leaning back with her eyes closed. Meredith sat down beside her. "Izzie?" she asked.

She opened her eyes and turned to Meredith. "I can't keep standing; I just need to sit down." The words came out flat, she sounded hollow, empty.

"Okay." Meredith told her. She wasn't going to make her friend stand and greet everyone, if she didn't want to do it she didn't have to. "Will you be okay for a few minutes? I need to find Derek." She'd just realized it had been well over five minutes since they'd arrived and he still hadn't come inside.

"I'll be fine." Izzie said closing her eyes again. She wasn't fine, she was far from fine but a few minutes alone weren't going to change that.

Derek sat inside the car watching others entre the church. He didn't want to go inside, he didn't even want to be there. He'd only come because Meredith had asked him to, practically begged him to. She'd been holding herself together well but at that moment, when she'd asked him to come she'd almost cracked.

"I need you there." She'd told him. "I need you to be there for me." The words had come out of her mouth with a tone of desperation he hadn't heard before. So he'd agreed to come.

George drove his car into the parking lot of the church. He pulled into a bay at the back and shut off the ignition. He took a deep breath and stepped out the car. He didn't want to be there. He'd planed to spend the day at the hospital working. But Meredith had cornered him in the locker room and asked him if he was going. When he said he wasn't she'd told him he had to. She'd said he needed to be there. She'd said she needed him to be there. She'd said Izzie needed him to be there.

He hadn't spoken to Izzie since everything had happened. He was afraid to talk to her, afraid he might say the wrong thing, afraid she might break down or do something and he wouldn't know what to do.

"You don't need to do anything." Meredith had said to him. "She just needs someone to be there for her, to sit there and hold her hand."

He'd tried to make excuses for not going but everything that came out of his mouth sounded kind of pathetic. In the end he'd agreed to meet them there. He slowly began making his way across the parking lot.

Derek watched George begin to make his way across the parking lot, he'd parked about as far away from the entrance as possible. He looked about as excited to be there as he felt. "O'Malley!" Derek called stepping out of the car.

George stopped at the sound of his name, he looked around to try and find its source. From the other side of the parking lot he saw Derek making his way toward him. He stopped, grateful for anything which would delay his entrance into the church.

"Morning, Dr Shepard." He said unsure of what else he was supposed say. The two men stood in the parking lot feeling uncomfortable but grateful also to not be inside. "Did Meredith ask you to come too?" George finally asked. "I wasn't going to come but she told me to come."

"She told me to come too. She said I needed to be there for her."

"She said I needed to be there for her and for Izzie."

A silence fell between the two men. This wasn't a conversation they'd normally have, they didn't normally talk much at all but neither one of them wanted to go inside. Its times like this when they wished they smoked, it would give them a legitimate reason for standing outside.

"Do you think it's weird being here?" George asked breaking the silence "Like we were here a week ago for a wedding and now…."

"We're here for a funeral." Derek finished just as Meredith rounded the corner of the church and started walking toward them.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked when she reached the two men.

They both looked at each other before Derek answered. "O'Malley and I were talking about everything."

"Oh." She looked from one man to the other. She wanted to yell at them, tell them off for standing around in the parking lot instead of coming inside to help. But she couldn't yell at them, she couldn't get mad at them, she needed them. "Well come inside I need your help." She turned and walked a few steps, then waited for them to follow.


	15. Chapter 15

Inside the church Alex's mother now stood at the entrance greeting people. She glared at Meredith and the others when they pushed past her and entered straight away.

"Izzie's at the front." Meredith pointed indicating for George to go there. "Derek, come with me." She started walking off in another direction and Derek went after her. George was left standing alone in the aisle. He could see Izzie sitting alone in the front pew, she had her back to him, she didn't know he was there. He slowly began making his way toward her.

Izzie sat with her eyes closed. She was telling herself to breath, to just think about breathing and she might be okay. She didn't really believe it but it seemed to be working a little, she was feeling a little better. She felt the weight of someone sit down beside her. She opened her eyes. "George." She whispered seeing it was her friend and a small smile crept across her face, a genuine smile.

He smiled back at her, unsure of what else he was supposed to do. Then he remembered what Meredith had told him. _"You don't have to do anything, just sit there and hold her hand."_

He held out is hand for her, she took it and squeezed it tight. She moved closer to him grateful for her friend's presence, the personal contact. As the minutes were ticking by she was finding it more and more difficult to keep herself composed. All around her she could hear the room filling with a loud whisper. Everyone was talking about what had happened, how absurd and tragic it was. She closed her eyes and gripped George's hand tighter, she breathed, she could feel herself on the verge of breaking, she didn't want to do that not here not now. On the other side of her she felt the weight of another person. She opened her eyes and saw Meredith had come back and Derek had come too. She tried to smile at them but the smile was forced. She felt George lean around behind her.

"Where's Christina?" he asked in a whisper.

There was a pause before Meredith answered. "She's not coming."

George looked back at her stunned. In his head he was thinking, _why doesn't she have to come, when I do? _But he didn't say that instead he just asked "Why not?"

"She's at my house heating the food." That was what she was doing but it wasn't the reason she wasn't there. If they'd had more time he would have gone into it with her but there was no time. Everyone was seated and the doors at the back of the church opened, the minister entered followed closely by the coffin. Everyone stood. Beside him he felt Izzie's body begin to shake, he took his arm and wrapped it very tightly around hers, he noticed Meredith put her arm around her waist, together they were physically holding her upright. The coffin was placed at the front of the church and the minister welcomed everyone, he offered his condolences, he invited everyone to pray and the room went completely silent.

Izzie's breathing became heavier and more deliberate. "Just keep breathing." She kept telling herself. "Just keep breathing and you'll be okay." But the silence was killing her and she couldn't keep it in any longer. She let out a laugh, more of a loud hollow splutter followed by a giggle. She bit down on her bottom lip and tried to will herself to stop. She knew she shouldn't be laughing, she didn't want to be laughing, but she couldn't help it, she'd completely lost her composure. Around her she could hear people turning her direction; she could hear people going 'shhh'. Beside her she felt George slip his arm around her back and pull her closer to him.

"Izzie you need to stop." He whispered. She sucked in a very long deep breath; her eyes watered, it hurt but the laughing stopped. The room hushed into silence again and the minister continued talking but less than a minute past before another chuckle slipped from her mouth, another loud deep hollow laugh which could almost be mistaken for a cry. The minister stopped talking, the only sound in the room was Izzie. Around her people began 'shhing' her again.

"Izzie you need to stop." George whispered to her again. She tried to stop, she wanted to stop but she couldn't stop.

"Be quiet." Someone, Alex's mother, hissed from the other side of the church. "Shut up. You're at a funeral, show some respect."

The words hit Izzie hard, the laughing stopped, her whole body tensed. She wanted to do something, she wanted to yell at the woman, tell her she knew nothing but George and Meredith were holding tightly onto her. She started breathing heavily again, her eyes watered, she was trying to get herself under control again.

"Izzie lets go outside." George whispered to her again. She didn't want to go outside she wanted to stay but she needed to go outside. She nodded and together they stood and walked out a side door.

George held tightly onto Izzie as he walked her out a side door of the church. He sat her down on the steps just outside the door. From there they'd still be able to hear what was going on but they'd be able to talk too.

Now that she was outside Izzie let herself relax. She started to laugh again and this time George didn't tell her to stop. Instead he asked her why she was laughing and he smiled at her. She smiled back at him and through the spluttering she began talking. "This…" she said waving her arm around. "Everything." She paused for a moment before continuing. "It's like some sick twisted déjà vu. We were here a week ago. We were getting married and now…" her voice trailed off. "It's not supposed to be like this." She used her arm to wipe her eyes, she'd finally stopped laughing and now she just felt flat. "I miss him so much." She rested her head on George's shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her back and gently started rubbing her side. "Thank you for coming." She whispered and she closed her eyes. "I've missed you too."

"I know." George whispered quietly back. They sat in silence for a long time listening to the service. "Do you want to go back inside?" he asked after a while.

Izzie thought about it for a moment. She liked sitting where they were, she didn't feel as suffocated and she could still hear everything. "No." she replied without moving.

They went back to listening to the service. Izzie didn't laugh again; tears just ran silently down her face. A friend of Alex's from back home, he'd been the best man at their wedding, delivered a touching tribute but he spoke of an Alex she didn't know, the man he'd become, the man she fell in love with was different. She wasn't sure how that made her feel but after Meredith stood up and delivered another tribute. Meredith spoke of the Alex she knew, the Alex she loved. The tears started running faster down her face but she didn't cry. When Meredith sat back down the minister began delivering his closing message. Izzie stood up, it was time to go back inside.

When she entered the church they were getting the coffin ready to carry out. Six men Izzie hardly knew were preparing to lift it. She walked straight to the coffin, she was aware of everyone's gaze following her. She placed her hand on top of it. From somewhere music started playing, the men lifted the coffin, she felt her hand begin to slip off it. "Wait." She said and the men stopped. She rested her head on top of it and breathed in the scent of the wood. This was the last time she was going to be near him, after this he'd be gone, really really gone. The music kept playing, and suddenly it all became too much. She'd been in control, her time outside had let her regroup but she'd really only suppressed everything. Her legs gave way beneath her and she fell to her knees. George ran to her, she slumped against his chest and started crying uncontrollably. Her sobs were loud they echoed in the church. The music became louder, the pallbearers looked down at her and then stepped past. They stared carrying the coffin out and everyone else filed out behind until the only people left in the church were Meredith, Derek, George and Izzie.

"I'll see you at the house." Meredith mouthed to George before she and Derek left also.

George pulled his arms tighter around Izzie. He could feel a spot on his shirt slowly getting damp from her tears. He gently started rocking her back and forth. "Just let it all out." He whispered to her "Just let it all out."

She cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left inside of her, until she felt hollow, empty, drained. She rested her head on George's chest and let him hold her. If she'd been somewhere else, if they weren't sitting on the floor of a church she would have tried to fall asleep, she'd try to fall asleep so she could be with Alex, so she could join him in her dreams. But she couldn't sleep here so instead she started to stand up.

"Lets go." She said her voice was dry and hoarse. George nodded and he stood up too. He didn't say anything he didn't know what to say. As they walked out the church he placed his arm around her again, she seemed to like that and it made him feel a little less useless.


	16. Chapter 16

Christina stood in the centre of Meredith's kitchen. She slowly made her way towards the oven. She stared at it trying to work out how on earth she was supposed to turn it on. She'd never used an oven before, she didn't cook, that was part of her thing. But here she was standing alone in Meredith's kitchen with trays and trays full of cold foods which she'd said she would heat for everyone.

Why she'd said she'd do it she wasn't quite sure. Actually she knew exactly why she said she'd do it, she was just a little reluctant to admit it to herself. She said she'd do it so she would have a legitimate reason for not being at the funeral. She didn't want to go to the funeral, she had no intention of going to the funeral and if she'd just said 'no' no one would have made her, Meredith might have tried but no one would have made her. But she needed a reason better than 'I don't want to' so if someone asked her why she wasn't there she wouldn't have to tell them the truth. The was she didn't want to be at the funeral because she didn't want to face the situation; she didn't want to face Izzie.

She hadn't seen Izzie all week; she'd been intentionally avoiding her room and keeping herself busy. Busy to the point where she didn't have to think about what had happened. She'd been trying to detach herself from the situation, something which she was always quite good at but she couldn't do it this time, she was too involved, she cared too much. In her head she kept going through everything that occurred in the OR, every decision she made. She knew she'd done everything right, she knew she'd done everything she could but a tiny part of her still blamed herself for Alex's death, blamed herself for not saving him and she was afraid Izzie might do the same.

"Shit" she swore under her breath, she had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do with this oven. She grabbed hold of one of the knobs and tried to turn it, it wouldn't move. There was a red button, she pressed it, something clicked, but nothing happened. She pressed it again, still nothing. She stood up and looked around; she needed to find some instructions or something. She began opening draws and cupboards but there was nothing there. Who doesn't keep the instructions somewhere easy to find? She went back to the oven and stared at it again. It couldn't be that difficult, could it?

She grabbed hold of the knob again, this time she pushed it in before she tried to turn it. It turned easily but the oven still wasn't lit. "Humm" she thought to herself and she pressed the red button, nothing happened. She pressed it again, still nothing. She was about to turn the knob back to the off position but she pressed the knob again. There was a quiet 'whoosh' and small blue flames appeared at the back of the oven.

"Yes! Yes!" she said taking a small jump in the air. Then she turned around and remembered there was no one else in the house to shear her excitement with. She shrugged and began placing trays of food into the oven, once it was full she closed the door and set a timer on her phone. The only thing Meredith had told about heating the food was make sure you don't burn it. Then she made herself a cup of coffee and sat down, everyone else would start arriving soon.


	17. Chapter 17

Izzie was very quiet on the drive to Meredith's. George looked over at her, her eyes were closed, she was breathing very slowly. He pulled the car up at a stop sign, light reflected on to her face highlighting her tears. He reached over and placed his hand on her leg.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

She opened her eyes and turned to face him. She reached down and pushed his hand away. "Please just drive." She said and closed her eyes again. She wished she could fall asleep, she was so tired. George gave her leg a small squeeze and he put his hand back on the steering wheel. He didn't try to talk to her again until they pulled into Meredith's driveway.

"We're here." He said shutting off the engine.

Izzie opened her eyes and adjusted her position in the seat. They were in Meredith's driveway. She looked around; she could see dozens of cars parked down the street. From inside she heard people laughing. Her body tensed a little. George reached over and touched her hand. "Iz…" he began.

"I'm okay." She said before he could finish what he was saying. She opened her door and stepped out.

George watched Izzie step out of the car. He quickly pulled away from her and climbed out his side. He shut his door and walked over to her. She was standing a few steps away from the car. He could see her swaying just a little. He grabbed hold of her; afraid she might fall down or faint.

"George I'm okay." She said again stepping away from him and walking towards the door. With every step she could here the noise inside getting louder and louder. People were laughing, people were happy. At the door she stopped, the people inside were happy, or at least they sounded that way, she wasn't sure she could go inside, she wasn't sure she could stand to be around them.

"Are we going inside?" George asked from behind her. She swallowed hard and reached for the door handle, she twisted it slowly and they stepped inside. She walked the few steps to the doorway of the sitting room. As she entered the doorway the whole room went silent. Everyone stopped and stared at her, some people got up and left, others started walking towards her. She reached for George and gripped tightly onto him.

"Get me out of here." She whispered. She couldn't handle other people, she didn't want to deal with, talk to Alex's friends, relatives, she didn't know them.

"Okay." He whispered back and started walking her towards the kitchen where he could just here Meredith and Christina.

Meredith and Christina were sitting on chairs in the kitchen. Their official excuse for being in there was they were keeping the food rolling but they were really hiding from everyone else. The house was full of people who Alex's mother had invited. They didn't know any of them and found being surrounded by them overwhelming. Meredith was filling Christina in on the details of the funeral, on what had happened, how Izzie was doing.

"She's taking it really hard." Meredith was saying. "She laughed during the funeral and then at the end she could not stop crying."

"Wow." Christina sighed just before the door opened and George entered with Izzie.

"Hey" Meredith smiled. Izzie gave her a weak smile back but she didn't say anything. "Here have something to eat." Meredith held out one of the many plates of food she'd put together. George reached for the plate, there were dim sums, and quiches, and little pies on it. He took a dim sum and offered the plate to Izzie.

"I'm not hungry." She said shaking her head. He put the plate back on the table. There was a silence in the room and then Meredith picked up the plate and showed it to Izzie again.

"Iz, you should eat something." She said but Izzie shock her head again.

"I'm not hungry." She said again and after a moment of uncomfortable silence she continued. "'I think I might go up stairs and lie down, I'm really tired."

She let go of George and started walking towards the door before they could tell her to eat again. She didn't want to eat, all she wanted to do was sleep. Upstairs she stopped in the bathroom and filled a glass with water. She carried the glass back to Meredith's guest room and placed it on a bedside table. Four weeks earlier the room had still technically been hers, some of her things were still in. She sat down on the edge of the bed and opened her bag. She pulled out the bottle of pills she'd taken from the hospital and bit down on the lid. She twisted it in her mouth and the lid came lose. Pills went flying everywhere.

"Shit." She whispered under her breath and she bent down on her knees and started picking them up. When they were all back safely in the bottle she put the lid back on and hid the bottle in her bag again. She'd left five pills out. One by one she swallowed them and then she curled up on the bed and waited for sleep to come.


	18. Chapter 18

_She was standing in complete darkness, there was nothing around and then he was there. Alex was standing before her. He smiled at her, a crocked coy little smile, like he wanted something. It made her laugh. He held out his hand for her, she took it and he started leading her away._

-8-8-8-8-

"Thank you for allowing us to use your house today Meredith." Alex's mother said as she picked up her bag. "Please tell Isobel I'll be thinking of her and if she needs anything I'd be happy to try and help."

"Sure." Meredith smiled and opened the door for her. "Drive safely." She said and she willed his mother to leave.

"Goodbye." His mother said and she walked out the door. Meredith quickly shut the door behind her and walked back to the kitchen where Christina and George were sitting with Derek eating the last of the food.

"Is everyone gone?" Christina asked as Meredith sat down in one of the chairs.

"Yep." Meredith replied reaching for a chocolate brownie and biting into it. "Everyone is gone."

They all let out a sigh of relief. It had been a very long day for all of them. They'd spent most of it hiding out in the kitchen but out of obligation they'd felt they should spend some time with everyone else to make up for the fact Izzie had not been seen all afternoon. The time with everyone else had been the hardest, mainly because the Alex they spoke of wasn't the one they wanted to remember. He'd changed a lot in the four years they'd known him and it was the person he'd become they wanted to remember.

"I think we all deserve a drink." Derek said standing up. He walked to one of Meredith cupboards and pulled a bottle of wine from the back of it.

"Has that been there the whole time?" Christina asked, shocked that someone hadn't thought to bring it out sooner.

"Yep." Derek smiled opening the bottle. "I wanted to save it for the end. You know to use to unwind with."

"Right." Christina looked back at him, not convinced with his explanation. "I could have used that three hours ago."

"Yeah, but then we'd have to shear it with everyone else." He poured the wine into four glasses and handed them out.

George took his and held it in his hand. He took a small sip, he wasn't much of a wine drinker but it tasted alright. He took another sip and then put his glass down. "I'm going to go check on Izzie." He said standing. "Let her know it's safe to come back down."

"You don't have to do that George. I'm sure she'll come down when she's ready." It was Christina who'd said that. She didn't want Izzie to join them, she didn't want to interact with her just yet, she wanted to relax and unwind as Derek had put it. Izzie was her friend but she couldn't relax around her, not at the moment.

-8-8-8-8-

George stood up and left anyway. He walked quietly up the stairs and gently tapped on the door, when there was no response he opened the door and entered the room anyway.

"Iz," he whispered quietly. "Everyone is gone; it's safe to come down again." But she didn't move, she was curled up in a ball on the bed, clutching a pillow, sound asleep. George watched her for a moment; he thought about waking her but decided against it. Instead he walked to the cupboard and pulled out a blanket. He placed it gently over her body and walked quietly out the room.

-8-8-8-8-

"What was that about?" Meredith asked Christina as George walked out the room.

"I just don't think he needs to get her. She'll come down when she's ready." She took another sip of the wine. "This is really good." She said changing the subject.

-8-8-8-8-

They were talking about wine when George came back to the kitchen. Derek was telling the story of where he found the bottle. Apparently it was a very good, hard to find bottle. George picked up his glass and lent back against the counter. He took another sip; it didn't taste very good to him.

"Where is Izzie?" Meredith asked turning to George.

"She's sleeping. I didn't want to wake her." He took another sip of the drink and waited for Christina to say something but she didn't so he continued. "Do you want to go sit down?" He reached for the last tray of food and walked out the room. He didn't wait to see if the others were following him. A part of him didn't really care if they did or not. He sat down in one of the sofas in the lounge room and started eating. He'd been eating a lot today. Having food in his mouth seemed to make him feel better. The others joined him a few minutes later. They brought with them four more glasses and a bottle of Scotch.

They all slumped into the chairs and exhaled. It had been a very long day, a long week. They spent the evening talking, something which none of them were very good at. Their conversation seemed to go around in circles. "I can't believe this has happened." Someone would say and everyone would agree. Someone would mention the wedding and Izzie and then they'd asked how she was. No one really knew how Izzie was though. All they could pick was she cried a lot and slept even more. The evening dragged on and eventually it was late. George and Christina left, Meredith and Derek went to bed. Izzie had not made an appearance all evening. Meredith checked on her briefly before she went to bed. She was still sound asleep.

-8-8-8-8-

At 3am Izzie woke up. At first she didn't recognize her surrounding. She tried to reach for a call button for a nurse then she remembered she wasn't in the hospital anymore. She was at Meredith's, in the room which used to be hers. She pulled the blanket tighter around her and tried to fall back asleep but she couldn't sleep. She was wide awake. She rolled to the edge of the bed and reached for her bag, she was going to take more pills to make herself fall back asleep but then she decided against it. She knew the pills were bad for her and she shouldn't be taking them, it didn't change the fact that she wanted to take them. Not this time though. Instead she climbed out of the bed and walked down stairs.

Down stairs it was dark and eerily silent. Completely different from the last time she'd seen it. Everyone was gone. She walked into the kitchen and turned on the light. She blinked at the brightness of it. The kitchen was untidy; there were a stack of plates by the sink which people had put their food on. There was another stack of cups and saucers which people had drank tea and coffee from. On the counter sat the now empty trays of food. She looked at the mess unsure of what she should do about it, this wasn't her house. Then a thought occurred to her, how many times had she actually seen Meredith do house work. The times were few and far between and usually coincided with enforced time away from the hospital. The thought made her smile just a little and she turned on the tap and began cleaning up.

Washing the dishes using only her left hand was tricky. She had to push the plates and cups up against the side sink to wipe over them. She kept banging her right arm on things, every time she hit it pain would shoot up and down it, a reminder that she was still alive, still here, still hurting. It took over an hour for her to clean everything. When she was finished she didn't feel any better, she still felt hollow, and tired, but she couldn't sleep. She exhaled and looked around she needed to do something; if she wasn't going to sleep she needed to do something. She walked to the pantry and opened the door. She began pulling out flour and sugar; she was going to bake something.

She measured the ingredients into a bowl, that wasn't too tricky but when she went to stir it she found she couldn't, the bowl kept moving. In a moment of frustration she reached up and untied the sling supporting her right arm. Her arm slipped down, she was expecting it to hurt but it didn't hurt nearly as much as she expected. With her arm free she gripped the side of the bowl and began stirring. She started operating on auto pilot; she finished the first batch and placed them in the oven. She mixed a second batch and put them in too. Sometime between the second and third batch she lost track of time. She opened the oven to place the third tray in and she was greeted by a plume of smoke, the first batch was burnt. Instinctively she grabbed a cloth and pulled the tray out but she grabbed it with her right arm and as soon as she took any weight on it pain shot up it and she dropped the tray. And then the smoke detector started wailing.


	19. Chapter 19

Meredith woke to a high pitched wailing. She instinctively rolled over and reached for her pager, next to her she felt Derek do the same but no pager went off like that. It took a moment for her to identify the sound but when she did she was jumping out of bed. She picked up her robe from the grown and pulled it on than raced out the door. Behind her she could hear Derek doing the same. As she raced toward the stairs she noticed the door to the guest room was open and Izzie wasn't in there. Down stairs she could see a light on in the kitchen. She slowed down a little and opened the door.

Inside the kitchen was full of a smoky haze, the benches were covered in baking materials and on the ground a tray of burnt muffins lay. Izzie was crouched down in front of the oven. She still had on the dress she'd worn the day before and she was coughing uncontrollably. Meredith walked over to her and knelt down beside her. This close she could see Izzie's face was streaked with tears. She was crying and her whole body was shaking. She wrapped her arm around her back. "Izzie, come on." She said pulling her up. As they walked out the room Derek picked up the broom and used it to shut off the smoke detector.

Meredith walked Izzie out the back door and they sat down on a bench. Izzie used her arm to wipe her eyes. She'd finally stopped coughing and her breathing was returning to normal but she couldn't stop shaking. Meredith put her arm around her and tried to comfort her but she didn't know what she was supposed to say. It was 5am and five minutes ago she'd been asleep. After a while Izzie started talking.

"I'm sorry." She started saying. "I'm sorry I woke you up. I…I didn't mean to. I just…I just couldn't sleep. And I…I needed to do something. I couldn't keep lying there and I…" her voice trailed off, she'd almost told Meredith about the pills she'd taken.

"It's okay." Meredith whispered pulling her closer to her, the affection made her wince in pain but she still liked it.

"I never burn things. I…"

"Iz, it's okay, it's just a bit of smoke."

"I…" she went to say something but she didn't have anything to say. She closed her eyes and tears welled up in them again. She wiped them away and stood up. She walked over to the wall at the back of house and stared out at the view of the city, it was beautiful. Behind her she heard the door open and then Meredith and Derek talking. She couldn't hear what they were saying; she didn't care what they were saying. A few minutes later Meredith walked over to her, she was carrying with her two mugs of coffee.

"Derek made coffee." She said holding out one of the mugs. "He's been called into the hospital so you're wakeup call was kind of perfect."

"Thanks." Izzie tried to smile as she took the mug from Meredith. She sipped the drink, it tasted good, it was the first coffee she'd had in a week. They drunk the coffee in silence and watched the city light up as the sun rose. "It's beautiful." Izzie whispered.

"Yeah." Meredith sighed. She sipped the last of her drink and put the mug down. She looked over at Izzie, she was looking better, she'd stopped shaking and her tears had appeared to stop. 'Iz," she began, "What are you going to do today?"

"I don't know." She replied, she hadn't thought about what she was going to do now that she was out of the hospital. Now that she was going to have to start living in a world without Alex.

"I have to go to work." Meredith began telling her. "You can come too if you want, or you can stay here or I can take you home."

Izzie breathed in a small breath and a shiver ran through her body. She didn't like the sound of any of those options. She wasn't ready to go to work, she couldn't be responsible for other people's lives, other peoples loved ones, not when she felt like she did, she'd never forgive herself if she made a mistake and she could just see that happening. She didn't want to stay at Meredith's either. This house wasn't her home anymore and she didn't want to intrude on Meredith anymore than she already had. She knew Meredith didn't mind but she still didn't want to. But she didn't want to go home either. At home she'd see Alex but she wouldn't see him, he'd just be everywhere.

"Iz?" Meredith asked again.

She closed her eyes and breathed in again. After a moment she whispered. "Take me home." She had to go home eventually; she may as well do it now.


	20. Chapter 20

"Iz, we're here." Meredith said turning the engine off in the car. She looked over at Izzie who hadn't said a word the entire drive over. She was gazing out the window, staring at her front door. "Iz?" Meredith said again. 

"I just need a moment." Izzie said letting out a long slow breath.

It had been over a week since Izzie had been home. She'd left the night before the wedding and slept at Meredith's. The last person who'd been inside the house was Alex. The house was going to be exactly like he'd left it and even though she'd told him to leave it clean she knew there would be indications of his presence everywhere. Little things which in other circumstances might have been annoying, a cup left on the sink, the bed not made completely. But the thought of them terrified her. She didn't know how it would make her feel, she'd been trying to tell herself the entire ride over that she'd be okay with it, but she wasn't okay. Inside she was shaking.

"Iz." Meredith whispered again reaching out and touching her arm.

"I'm okay." She said trying to convince herself as well as Meredith. A shiver ran over her body and she breathed in. She could do this she told herself, and she opened the door and started walking towards the house. At the front door she stopped, she didn't have the key for it. Behind her she felt Meredith move, she was reaching into her bag and pulling out keys. Her keys, with the key chain holding the photo of her and Alex at a carnival. Meredith reached over her shoulder and unlocked the door. She pushed the door open and Izzie stood in the open doorway. From here she could see inside the house, from where she stood it didn't look so bad. She tried to brace herself mentally and stepped inside.

She looked around and at first it wasn't so bad, the things she saw she was expecting but then she saw inside her front room. It had been completely empty when she'd left but it wasn't now what she saw knocked her shook her and she suddenly felt ill. She ran to the bathroom and started vomiting. Meredith walked into the house behind her. She looked into the front room and swore quietly under her breath. She'd completely forgotten about the wedding presents.


	21. Chapter 21

Izzie lent over the toilet and vomited, it was violent and painful. It made her whole body hurt and her eyes water. She didn't hear Meredith walk in behind her but she felt her, she lifted her hair away from her face and knelt down beside her. "I'm sorry" she started whispering to her. "I should have told you they were there or moved them." Izzie didn't even acknowledge that she'd heard her; she vomited again and then slumped against the side of the bathtub. 

"I should have known they'd be there." She started saying. "They had to go somewhere. I just…"

"Forgot about them." Meredith said finishing the sentence.

"Yeah." Izzie let out a long sigh and the room went silent. After a moment Meredith stood up and filled a glass with water from the sink.

"You should drink something." She said offering the glass to Izzie. She took it and sipped it slowly, she tried to wash the metallic taste from her mouth but it didn't work. She closed her eyes and tried to convince herself again that she was okay, that she could handle this. But she wasn't okay and she knew it, and Meredith knew it.

"Would you like me to stay with you today?" Meredith asked her after a while. They'd been sitting in the bathroom for nearly twenty minutes listening to the tap drip, neither one of them had said much.

"You have to go to work." Izzie said not actually answering the question. She didn't know what she wanted. She didn't like the idea of being alone, the thought, kind of scared her but at the same time she needed to work through this on her own.

"I'll stay if you want me to." Meredith reached for Izzie's hand squeezed it. "You don't have to do this on your own."

She pushed Meredith's hand away. "Yes I do." She whispered under her breath. None of her friends knew what she was feeling, none of them understood, or could relate. This was something she needed to do on her own and she didn't want to impose on them anymore than she already was. "You should go to work." She said not looking at Meredith. "If I need anything, I'll…I'll phone you."

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked she'd heard the hesitation in Izzie's voice, the quiver, and shakiness. She'd been hoping she'd ask her to stay. Now that Izzie was home, she could see she wasn't coping nearly as well as she thought she was. She was barely holding herself together, on the verge of falling to pieces. It worried her; she didn't trust Izzie on her own.

"I'll be fine." Izzie replied, trying to sound as brave and confident as she could. She wasn't fine, but she would be fine, she'd make sure of it. "You should go."

Meredith stood up slowly, she didn't want to leave, she didn't want to leave Izzie on her own but she couldn't stay now, not when she'd said she had to go to work. "Promise me you'll phone." She said instead.

"I will." Izzie replied but she didn't look at her. "Mere, can you shut the door on your way out?"

Meredith paused for a moment before responding. It seemed Izzie was ready for her to go even if she wasn't. She gave Izzie's shoulder a squeeze. "Sure." She said before adding "I'll stop by on my way home." Izzie didn't even respond to her, she was gazing at something on the wall. Meredith lingered in the room for a little and then began walking slowly toward the front door. With every step she hoped Izzie would call her back but she didn't. At the front room she pulled the door shut so Izzie wouldn't have to see the presents and then she walked out the front door.

Izzie listened to the sound of the front door close and Meredith's car drive away. She felt her heart rate increase and tears run down the side of her face. She was alone, really completely, totally alone, she'd hoped Meredith wouldn't leave but she didn't want to ask her to stay. Meredith had other things she needed to do; she couldn't sit here with her all day.

A shiver ran over her body and she told herself she was okay but she was a long was from being okay, she was so sad and lost and confused, she didn't know what she was supposed to do. She stared at the walls and started to catalogue her surrounding. They'd only been living in the house for two weeks; the bathroom was one of the few rooms which actually looked lived in. Hanging in the shower were soaps and shampoos, on the basin sat toothbrushes and toothpaste. As she looked at the things she realized none of them were actually Alex's everything was hers or theirs. Even his razor wasn't his; she'd brought it for him with the intension of using it for herself.

She stayed in the bathroom for hours trying to process everything around her, trying to convince herself that the things around her were just objects, not memories or things she could hold on to. She thought if she could do this in the bathroom she might have half a chance of doing it in the rest of the house but she couldn't do it. She couldn't get the images of Alex out of her head. Tears slowly ran down the side of her face and she wished she wasn't alone. She thought about phoning someone, asking them to come over but she didn't want to phone anyone, she didn't want to ask for help. Instead she stood up and started walking toward the front door. She looked down at her feet so she wouldn't accidentally see something. At the door she picked up the bag she'd dropped on the way in and walked out. She started walking down the street; she had absolutely no idea where she was going.


	22. Chapter 22

George pulled his car into Izzie's driveway and looked around. The house was dark, not a single light was on. He walked to the front door and knocked, there was no answer, he knocked again, louder this time, but still there was no answer. He put his hand on the handle and twisted it, the door was unlocked.

"Izzie!" He called out. "Izzie are you here?"

There was no answer. He began walking through the house. He'd only been there once, two weeks ago when he'd helped them move in. He didn't know his way around. One by one he opened every door and looked around.

"Izzie!" he kept calling but she wasn't there. He pulled out his phone and tried to call her, her phone when straight to message bank. He swore quietly under his breath and tried to tell himself her absence wasn't necessarily a bad thing, maybe she'd gone to a movie and turned her phone off, maybe the battery was just flat. There were plenty of explanations which weren't necessarily bad but he couldn't stop worrying. Meredith had told him what had happened that morning. He didn't think she should have left her alone but as she kept telling him, he wasn't there. He was there now though and Izzie wasn't. He walked back to his car and climbed in. He thought about driving around the streets to see if she was around somewhere, but it would take him hours to do that and what if she came home in the mean time. He had to be there when she came home.

--8-8-8-8--

Izzie walked for hours, she didn't know where she was going, she wasn't going anywhere. She just wanted to get away, she didn't want to be home, she didn't want to be surrounded by everything. She walked until she was so tired she was ready to collapse. She needed to stop but she couldn't stop. If she stopped…she didn't know what would happen but she couldn't do it. She needed to sit down though, she needed to rest. A head of her she saw a bus idling on the side of the road. She'd never rode on the bus, she'd always said they were dirty and not exactly safe but she didn't have anywhere else to go. She walked up the few steps and looked around, it didn't look so bad, and there was no one else on it. She started heading towards one of the seats.

"Oi!" The driver called out to her. "You need a ticket."

"Oh." She walked back to the front of the bus and pulled out her wallet, she handed the driver a couple of dollars and he gave her a piece of paper. She slipped everything back in her bag and walked back up the bus, she took a seat half way down and gazed out the window.

She watched the familiar streets disappear, she watched as the neighborhood she knew changed to something unfamiliar. She had no idea where the bus was going and she didn't really care, she just wanted to get away. At some point she fell asleep, she had to have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew the driver was telling her to get off, they'd reached the end of the line.

She stepped off the bus and looked around. She didn't know where she was, she didn't recognize any of her surroundings, the only thing she could work out was where ever she was she shouldn't be there. The streets and the pavements were dirty, there was no one around but it wasn't quite dark yet. A wind blew sending papers flying down the street. She shivered and pulled her arm around her body, she didn't have a jacket with her and it was starting to get cold. She reached into her bag for her phone, she needed help but as soon as she stuck her hand in she realized it was gone, and so was her wallet.

"Shit," she swore quietly under her breath and fear began to rip though her body. People started to appear in the street, people who did not look good. She kept walking, hoping she might find someone who could help her but the further she walked the worse the neighborhood got. Men started coming up to her, calling out to her, brushing against her, she kept walking, too afraid to stop. She started crying, she wanted to go home, she didn't want to be there, but she couldn't get home.

It started raining, everyone who was in the street disappeared, she was alone again. She sat down in the stoop of a doorway; she pulled her knees up to her chest and tried to keep dry. As she sat there more tears ran down her face and she began shivering. She reached into her bag and felt for what she had left, what wasn't stolen. At the very bottom of the bag her hand wrapped around the bottle of pills. Knowing they were there made her relax a little, she pulled the bottle out and opened it. She swallowed one pill, just enough to take off the edge she thought, just enough so she could think, work out what she was supposed to do, how she was supposed to get home. She couldn't think though, the medication didn't clear her head it clouded it; she fought the urge to fall asleep. She couldn't sleep, not here, it wasn't safe. The rain came down harder, the wind blew around her. She shivered uncontrollably, as more tears ran down her face.

--8-8-8-8--

Hours had past since George had arrived at Izzie's house. It was dark now and raining and she still wasn't home. To describe the way he felt as worried was an understatement. He was racking his brain trying to work out where she might have gone. He'd even phoned Meredith just in case Izzie had told her something but Meredith had no idea either. He thought about phoning the police but she hadn't been gone long enough to file a report. What was he supposed to tell them anyways, 'my friend isn't home, she didn't tell me where she was going'; it wasn't something that was necessarily unusual.

He was about to go for a drive, he didn't want to drive around but he couldn't keep sitting there doing nothing, when a police car pulled up on the side of the road. The presence of an authority figure made him nervous, he instantly thought the worse, he watched the officer climb out of his car and walk over to the passenger side, he opened the door and pulled Izzie out. For a second George froze, he instantly began thinking worse case scenarios but as they began walking toward the house he snapped out of it and ran over to them.

The first thing he noticed about Izzie were her eyes, they were swollen red and bloodshot. She had a dazed vacant expression, like she wasn't quite sure what was happening. Her clothes were soaking wet and clung to her body making her seem paler and thinner than usual. He took his jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"Do you know this woman?" The officer asked, glancing over at George.

"She's my friend." There was a pause and then George asked. "Where was she?"

The officer described the area he'd found Izzie in. George's heart skipped a beat, he'd never been on that side of town, since he was a kid it was drummed into him, never to go there, because that's where bad things happen. But somehow Izzie had ended up there.

"I think she was lost." The office added before asking. "Is there something wrong with her?"

They'd reached the front door now. George pushed it open and Izzie took one step inside. He looked back at the officer. "Her husband just died." He said, and the office nodded like he understood.

"Keep an eye on her." He offered. "She might hurt herself." And then he turned around and walked back to his car.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, comments are appreciated, this might be the last up date for a while, I'm going away and I don't know if I'll have much time to write.**


	23. Chapter 23

**It's been a while but here is the next part. It's a little long, that's part of the reason it took so long. Let me know what you think.**

* * *

George pulled his arm around Izzie and started leading her through the house. Under his arm he could feel her shivering and damp patches where the water was soaking through his jacket. He led her to the bathroom and sat her down on the toilet. Then he started running a hot shower. All he could think about was getting her warm, getting her warm was something he could do. He checked the water wasn't too hot and turned back to her. She was hunched over on the seat and staring down at the ground. He knelt down in front of her.

"Iz," he began saying to her. "I'm going to go and get some towels and some dry clothes for you." She lifted her head but she seemed to be looking right through him. "I want you to hop in the shower."

She nodded like she'd heard him but it might have just been a reflex. He stood up slowly and gave her knee a squeeze. He started walking out the room. He half expected her to ask him to stay but she hadn't said a word since she came home. He closed the door and began making his way through her house. He took his time to find the towels and select some dry clothes, partly because he didn't know where anything was but partly because he wanted to give Izzie some space. He hoped she might snap out of the current state she was in. After twenty minutes had past he selected a pair of pajamas which he'd given her for Christmas four years earlier. He thought they'd be a safe option and he started making his way back to the bathroom.

At the door he knocked loudly and waited for Izzie to say he could come in but there was no reply. He waited a moment and entered the room anyway, he could still hear the water running, maybe she hadn't heard him knock. As he entered the room he intentionally looked away from the shower, he didn't want to see Izzie like that but she wasn't in the shower. She was exactly where he'd left her twenty minutes earlier.

He dropped the towels and the clothes he was holding and knelt down in front of her again. "Izzie," he tried to get her to look at him but she didn't move. "Izzie," he gently reached for her chin and lifted her head to face him. The look in her eyes made his heart ache, they were so empty and vacant, it was like she wasn't there. "You're freezing cold; we need to get you warmed up."

After some hesitation George placed both his hands on Izzie's hips and lifted her to her feet. He gently lifted her arm and slowly began unfastening the brace around it, it wasn't supposed to get wet, though it was already soaked from the rain. She let him do this, she didn't try to pull back at all. He placed the brace beside the basin and tried to get Izzie to look at him again.

"Iz, you need to get in the shower, you need to get warmed up." She didn't move though, she just stood there shivering. "Izzie please." He stepped away from her and waited for some indication that she was going to do what he said, but there was nothing. He didn't know what he was supposed to do he didn't want to physically put her in the shower, he didn't want to see her exposed and vulnerable like that but he couldn't leave her the way she was either. "Izzie please you need to do this yourself." He told her but she made no indication that she was even hearing him.

George's words washed over her, she could hear he was talking but she couldn't listen. Her head was full of nothing, everything was cloudy and messed up. She'd withdrawn so far into herself she didn't know how to come out. She didn't know how to do anything, she couldn't even move on her own.

She felt George place his hands on her hips again. She felt him grab the bottom of her shirt and start lifting it up. She lifted her head a little and looked him in the eyes, he turned his head away, his cheeks were burning red, she could tell he didn't want to be doing this, but she didn't try to stop him. He lifted her arm up and pulled the t-shirt over her head exposing her bear chest. She watched him close his eyes and turn away. He bent over and picked up one of the towels he'd brought in. He held it out for her, still with his eyes closed. "Izzie." He said her name as a question, an almost plea. Slowly she reached out and took the towel, she wrapped it around her shoulders and watched as he turned back to face her.

His eyes looked desperate and confused, she could tell he didn't know what to do but neither did she. "Iz," He tried talking to her again, he was trying to get through to her but she was completely shut off. "You need to get in the shower." He waited a moment and then he placed his hand on her hip again. He held it there for a moment and then pulled the draw string on her pants. He turned away as soon as they started falling to the ground. He wouldn't look at her, not like that, it wasn't right, she was his friend, she needed his help but he wouldn't look at her. He checked the water again, it was still hot but it was getting colder.

"Izzie, come on." He turned back to her but he avoided her eyes. He grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her gently towards the shower. He opened the door and pushed her under the water.

The water hit her back, it was hot and stung her skin, she instinctively tried to pull back but George was holding her under. He was holding her under the water and whispering something to her. She couldn't understand his words but his voice was soothing. Slowly she started to warm up and her body began to relax. Her mind began to work.

"I'll be back a little bit." She heard George say to her and he let go, he walked out of the bathroom, leaving her alone again.

She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. The cloudy haze she'd been in was beginning to lift and she was beginning to feel again. All she felt though was pain, physical pain, emotional pain, loss. She started crying again, long silent sobs which were lost in the flow of the water. She didn't want to keep doing this she just wanted to go back to sleep.

George stepped out of the bathroom and shivered, half his shirt was soaking wet but that was the lease of his worries. He'd never seen Izzie like that before and it scared him. He'd been worried about her before but that last hour had been bad. It had been like she wasn't even there, like she was an empty shell. He was worried about leaving her again but he didn't like standing with her in the shower, he didn't' want to see her like that. As he'd held her he'd felt her body begin to relax, she felt like she was coming back, he told himself she'd be okay and he'd come and check on her again in a little bit. At least now she wasn't freezing cold, her body was warming up.

He walked all the way to the kitchen and then pulled his phone out his pocket. He'd just remembered he hadn't phoned Meredith yet, he hadn't told her, Izzie was no longer missing. The phone rang three times before she answered.

"Is she back?" Was the first thing Meredith said when she answered the phone. She'd been worrying herself sick for the last few hours but there had been absolutely nothing she could have done to help.

"She's back." George said. He let the words hang in the air for a moment, let the good news set in before the bad new came. Meredith picked up the tone of his answer.

"Is she okay?"

George swallowed, before answering. "No." Then he began describing everything that had happened. On the other end of the line Meredith listened. She tried to keep a level head but it wasn't easy, she wanted to be there for her friend, she wanted to make her pain go away and she felt like this was some how her fault, that if she'd been with her today this wouldn't have happened. But she knew even if she'd been there, Izzie wouldn't be much better, she might not have got lost but she'd still be in pieces.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie reached for the tap and turned the water off. She was moving a lot better now her body was no longer freezing, and her mind no longer shut off but she wasn't feeling a whole lot better. She still felt hollow and empty, she still felt like she was being tone apart from the inside out.

She stepped out of the shower and picked up one of the towels, she ran it over her body and pulled on the clothes George had left for her. What he'd selected made her smile a little, it was a pair of pajamas he'd given her years ago which she'd never worn because they were ugly. They were still soft though and she liked the way they felt against her skin.

She looked herself in the mirror before she left the bathroom. Her eyes were so dark and her skin so pale. The cuts on her face stood out looking red and raw. Normally she would have tried to do something about that but now she didn't care. She turned away from the mirror and walked out the bathroom.

She began making her way through the house. Every step was difficult as she remembered things Alex had said or done in the very places she was moving though. They'd only been living in the house two weeks, there weren't a lot of memories, she wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. She was heading towards the kitchen, the one room in any house she always felt drawn too. The kitchen had always been her space and she found the art of cooking soothing. As she got closer though she realized the light was on, the kitchen was where George had gone. She pushed the door open and stood in the doorway. She watched him, he was cooking, he was cooking in her kitchen. She felt her body being to tense again, she didn't want him cooking in her kitchen, that was her space. It seemed forever before he turned around, before he realized she was watching him.

"Izzie," George said turning around. He was surprised to see her; he wasn't expecting her to be there. He recovered from his shock quickly though, he put the utensil he was holding down and walked over to her. "You look much better," he told her and he touched her arm, "I made you something to eat, come sit down."

She glanced over at the food he'd made, some paste dish, it didn't look bad but she wasn't hungry, the mere thought of eating made her feel ill. "I'm not hungry." She said stepping away from him; he stepped closer to her though.

"Iz, you need to eat." He gently grabbed her arm and tried to pull her into the kitchen but she didn't move.

"I just want to go to bed." She pulled away from him and stepped back. "Clean up when your finished." She turned and started walking towards her bedroom, she was expecting George to follow her but he didn't. She wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, she desperately wanted to be alone but she was still scared of being alone. At the bedroom door she stopped, she stood holding the handle for over a minute. The house had been hard to go through and most of it was nothing particular, the bedroom had been their room. It was the only room in the house that was properly furnished; it was where they'd spent ninety percent of their time. She closed her eyes and twisted the handle. She stepped inside and waited for something to hit. It only took a moment for the smell to become overwhelming, the cologne Alex had worn the day of the wedding still hung in the air. Immediately images of him getting ready in the morning filled her head. She took in a breath and fought the urge to be sick; she didn't want to do that, not in here.

She pushed the door closed and opened her eyes, the room was dark but she didn't turn on the light. She didn't want to see what was inside, not properly anyway, that would be too much; right now she just needed to sleep. She walked towards her bed and crawled under its covers, she curled into a ball and tried to sleep but she couldn't sleep. Her bed wasn't meant for one person, she rolled over and grabbed Alex's pillow, she buried her face in it and breathed in his scent then she clutched the pillow to her chest and started crying again.

She was still crying an hour later when George came to check on her. He opened the door slightly and stood in the doorway watching her, he stood there for a long time trying to work out if she was asleep or not. He didn't want to wake her but if she was awake he didn't want to leave her either. Eventually he walked in; he could hear her sobbing, he knelt down beside her bed so their faces were at the same level. "Iz," he whispered to her. "Everything is clean, would you like me to stay with you?"

It took a moment for her to open her eyes, she looked at him and blinked, tears ran down her face. "Just go." She whispered and she closed her eyes again. She didn't want George with her, she didn't want him sleeping in her house.

George gulped, he didn't want to leave her, but she'd told him to go. "Is there anything I can get for you?" he asked, if he was going to go he wanted to make sure she was asleep first.

The question surprised her, she wasn't expecting it, she was expecting him to fight her but he wasn't fighting her, he was asking her what she wanted. What she wanted was to sleep but if she asked for what she wanted George would know what she'd been doing.

"I just want to sleep." She whispered, and blinked letting new tears run down her face.

"Okay." George smiled at her. "I think I can help." He stood up and walked out the room. He walked through the house and out the front door; he walked to his car and pulled out his back pack. He'd brought some sleep aids from the pharmacy a few weeks ago, he'd used them once and decided he didn't like the way they made him feel but he thought they might help Izzie. Just this once wouldn't hurt her.

He carried the bottle inside; he got a glass of water from the kitchen and tipped a couple of pills into his hand. He walked back to Izzie's bedroom and knelt down beside her again. "Iz, sit up," he whispered to her. She opened her eyes again. She stared at the pills he was holding. She couldn't believe he'd brought her pills.

"It's okay." He told her. "Just this once it's okay." He had no idea she'd been taking stuff all week. She took the pills and swallowed them.

"Thank you." She whispered. "Now please go." She wanted to fall asleep on her own, she wanted to cry herself asleep, she wanted to be in a world with Alex again.

George stood up, he kissed Izzie's forehead and walked slowly out the room. He felt worried about leaving her, he didn't like leaving her but he didn't feel right staying in her house, not without her asking him to stay. There wasn't anywhere for him to stay either, the house didn't even have a sofa. At the front door he paused just long enough to turn off the light. He told himself Izzie would be okay, she was asleep, and he'd be back in the morning.


	24. Chapter 24

Izzie watched George leave the room, she watched him close the door behind him and listened for his foot steps head down the hall. When she was sure he was gone she closed her eyes again. She pulled Alex's pillow closer to her and she breathed in his scent. She filled her mind with images of him, images of them together, and she waited for sleep to come. She waited to be taken to a place where they were together.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith sighed as she threw her bag onto her shoulder and slipped a smaller bag into her pocket. This bag wasn't hers, it had something in it which now belonged to Izzie, something which had been Alex's, not something from his locker, that was all still sitting exactly where it had been left, no one had touched that. No this was something from the accident, or more specifically his wedding ring. They'd taken it off him at some point in emergency, and never put it back, somehow that detail had been missed during funeral preparations, and it was only now that it had been found.

She pushed the ring deeper into her pocket, and began walking out the hospital. She'd just come off a thirty six hour shift. The first shift she'd worked since the accident. It had been a long hard shift, there had been lots of patients with lots of things wrong with them, lots of interns running around with their heads cut off, and the hospital was still under staffed. And to add to everything, she couldn't help worrying about Izzie.

When George had phoned her and said Izzie was missing she'd almost stopped and run out the hospital but then her pager had gone off and she couldn't run out the hospital. She never stopped worrying though, not until George had phoned to say she was found but even then she still wasn't ok. She couldn't concentrate on her work, she couldn't stop herself worrying.

-8-8-8-8-

"_Hello!" _

Izzie's eyes flew open, she lay very still and listened, she thought she'd heard Alex's voice.

"_Oh hey, it's Alex." _

It was him! She jumped out of her bed and started running down the hall way. "Alex!" She called opening doors frantically searching for him, she allowed herself to think for a moment that maybe this had all been some horrible dream and then she heard it, the sound of his laugh, followed by hers and their voices say together through laughs.

"_Actually, we're not home, leave a message after the tone." _

She froze, her heart was racing, but as the answering machine flipped over she felt it stop and break. An overly chirpy woman's voice then filled the house.

"Hi, this is Alice from Portrait Palace, just letting you know the proofs for your wedding photos are in. So when you get back from your honeymoon give us a phone call and we can arrange a viewing."

The answering machine flicked off and the house became eerily quiet again. This was no bad dream, everything about it was real, she began moving slowly back to her bedroom. As she walked she began to become aware of the physical pain she was in, how much her chest hurt when she breathed, how much her arm ached every time she moved. She moved to the bedroom and walked to the ensuite, she opened the medicine cupboard and pulled out a bottle of painkillers, she swallowed a couple and walked back into the bedroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to calm herself, she was shaking though and on the verge of crying again.

She stood up and started walking in small circles, she was trying to get herself under control but it wasn't going to happen, her head was spinning and she felt like she was going to pass out. She needed to do something though, she couldn't stay there but she didn't know what. She could remember what happened the day before, there were still red marks on her hand from the muffin tray, and then she got lost, she didn't want that to happen again. She thought maybe she could go out still, just somewhere local, maybe being out of the house would make her feel better. She walked over to the closet and opened the door, she stepped inside and turned on the light. Hanging along the walls were hers and Alex's clothes. The shirts and jackets she'd given him, the dresses he'd given her. It was too much, instead of getting changed she found herself sliding down the wall. On the floor in the corner sat a pile of their dirty clothes, she reached for his shirts and wrapped herself up in them. Then she lay down on the floor and let herself cry.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith pulled her car into Izzie's driveway, not a single light was on in the house. She felt her chest tighten, afraid that Izzie might have gone wondering again. At the front door she knocked, there was no answer, she twisted the handle, the door was locked.

"Shit" she whispered under her breath and she tried to remember where they'd hidden the spear key. It took five minutes of searching before she found it buried in a pot plant. She unlocked the door and walked inside.

"Izzie," she began calling as she walked through the house. The deeper into the house she got the more worried she became, and then she heard it, a very quiet sobbing coming from the bedroom.

"Izzie?" she called opening the door, "are you in here?"

The room was dark though and there was no reply, then she saw the light coming out from under the door. "Izzie?" she opened the door slowly, not knowing quite what to expect but what she saw did not surprise her. Izzie was lying on the ground, wrapped up in several of Alex's shirts, sobbing.

"Oh, Iz." Meredith whispered, sitting on the ground beside her. She waited for her friend to open her eyes. Izzie looked up at her, she blinked and tears ran down her face. "Come here." She offered holding out her arms but Izzie didn't move. She gazed up at her and then pulled Alex's shirts tighter around her.

Meredith reached down and brushed some of her hair away from her face. She didn't say anything, not yet, she wanted to give Izzie the chance to speak. But Izzie didn't want to talk, she wasn't ready to talk, instead she kept pulling Alex's shirts tighter around her, she kept breathing them in. Sometimes she'd open her eyes, she'd check to see If Meredith was still sitting there. She was always sitting there, watching her, waiting for her to be ready.

Meredith watched as Izzie opened her eyes again, she blinked and tears trickled down. They'd been sitting in silence for a long time. She was trying to work out what she should say, she didn't know what to say but they couldn't keep sitting there forever.

"Have you been laying here all day?" She finally asked, Izzie didn't say anything, she wasn't expecting her to say anything, instead she closed her eyes again and a shiver ran though her body. "You can't stay here." Meredith whispered "this isn't healthy." Izzie opened her eyes, she blinked back more tears but she still didn't say anything. "Have you eaten anything today?" Meredith asked but Izzie still didn't say anything. She pulled the shirts tighter around her and closed her eyes again.

"Iz," Meredith whispered to her again. She lay down beside her and reached for her hand. She wrapped her fingers around it and squeezed. "Iz, I know you're hurting but you need to get up. You can't stay here. This isn't healthy." She paused and waited for Izzie to react. She opened her eyes, they looked so sad.

"I don't want to get up." She whispered very quietly, she pulled the shirts up around her face and breathed them in again. "I want to stay here."

Meredith watched as Izzie breathed into the shirts and closed her eyes again. She didn't want to fight her friend, she wouldn't make her get up if she didn't want to but she needed to get up. She couldn't stay on the floor in the closet forever, just like she couldn't stay on the bathroom floor forever. "Okay." Meredith said and she started to sit up. She gave Izzie's arm another squeeze. "I'm going to go and make something to eat, I'll bring some up for you when I'm done."

Izzie watched as Meredith stood and walked out the room. She listened to her footsteps head down the hallway toward the kitchen. She wondered if Meredith was seriously going to try and cook something in her kitchen. Meredith didn't cook, in the four years she'd known her not once had she produced something editable. From the other end of the house though she could hear pots and pan banging. She closed her eyes again and tried to imagine herself with Alex somewhere far away. Breathing in his shirt the images became clearer they were together just like she wanted but ten minutes later she began to smell smoke and the smoke detector started wailing.


	25. Chapter 25

Meredith burnt the toast, she did it on purpose because she couldn't cook. She knew she couldn't cook and she wasn't about to try now but she needed to get Izzie up and the kitchen was Izzie's. Izzie owned the kitchen, it was her space, and Meredith hoped the thought that she might be destroying it would be enough to get her up.

-8-8-8- -8-8-8-

Izzie closed her eyes and pulled the shirts tighter around her head. She tried to block out the noise, she tried to block out the smell but she couldn't block it out, she couldn't get back to Alex. So she slowly got up. She wrapped one of his shirts around her and she began walking towards the kitchen. She needed to find out what on earth Meredith was doing in there. As she walked she ignored everything else, she didn't look in the other rooms of the house, she kept her eyes forward and when she reached the kitchen she stood in the doorway and watched Meredith.

She watched Meredith pull two piece of toast from the toaster and throw them into the sink. As she did this she caught her eye, she smiled at her and shrugged, before turning on the garbage disposal and attempting to dispose of the toast. Izzie wasn't in the mood to laugh but she couldn't help but smile at the sight.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Cooking." Meredith smiled at her.

Izzie stepped forward and reached for the smoke detector, she stretched up and turned off the loud beeping. The movement pulled her chest, it hurt more that she expected, she winced, then slumped down into one of the chairs at the tiny table her and Alex had eaten dinner at.

"I don't know what you're doing," she began. "But that isn't cooking."

"I know," Meredith smiled at her. "But when have I ever cooked?"

"True." Izzie said, letting the smallest of smiles creep across her face. Meredith came and sat down at the table with her.

"I was going to order some food in." she said. "Is there anything you'd like?"

The thought of food made her insides turn. "I'm not hungry." She said pulling back inside herself.

Meredith noticed the change in her demeanor, she'd seen her start to relax a little and then turn right back in herself. She shouldn't have mentioned food but she knew Izzie hadn't eaten in days. "Iz, you need to eat." She reached out and touched her hand. "I know you haven't eaten anything today, or yesterday, or the day before."

"I don't want to eat anything." She whispered, pulling away.

"I know, but you need to. You're going to get sick, you're going to waste away if you don't."

Izzie looked down at her hands, her bones were more defined than before, she could already tell she was losing weight. "Maybe I want to." She whispered so quietly, she wasn't sure Meredith heard her. If she did hear it she ignored it.

"I'm going to order some Chinese." Meredith said standing and walking out the kitchen. In the hallway she picked up the phone and dialed the number. She ordered some chicken and vegetables, with some spring rolls. After she ordered she stayed in the hallway a little longer, she was trying to collect her thoughts and work out what she was supposed to do next. She'd heard what Izzie had said, she hadn't acknowledged it but she heard it. She needed to do something to help but she didn't know what. She walked into the bathroom and wet her face, on the ground she noticed the wet clothes Izzie had worn the day before, and beside the sink was the brace Izzie was meant to be wearing. She picked it up and carried it into the kitchen.

Izzie was still sitting at the table, she was running her fingers over the incisions along her arm, they still looked red and raw but they were healing well.

"You should be wearing this." She said placing the brace beside her and sitting down at the table.

"I don't need it." Izzie said still rubbing the wounds. "It doesn't hurt." She was lying, it hurt a lot and the rubbing she was doing was making it worse but she liked it, she liked making herself hurt.

"Iz," Meredith reached down and lifted Izzie's hand away from her arm. "You need to wear the brace. You need to make sure your arm heals properly."

"I don't care about my arm." She said and she started running her fingers along her incisions again.

"Iz," Meredith pulled her hand away again. "You might not care now but you will. You're a surgeon; you need both your hands and both your arms working properly. "

"It doesn't matter." Izzie whispered, she wouldn't look at Meredith but she slipped the brace on anyway. She didn't want to argue. "I think I might go back to bed." She said standing up, but Meredith stood too.

"Iz, all you've been doing is sleeping." She started telling her. "Why don't you stay up with me for a while? The food will be here soon."

Izzie closed her eyes and sucked in a small breath, a shiver ran through her body. "I said I wasn't hungry." She said stepping forward. But Meredith wasn't going to let her get away that easily, she stood in front of her, and reached out, she touched her arm, she didn't grab hold of her though. If she really wanted to get away she could have but she had no energy to fight, she just stood there.

"We could sit and talk or whatever." Meredith suggested. Izzie looked at her and turned around, she went back to the table and sat down. She didn't want to talk though, instead she rested her head on the table and closed her eyes.

Meredith watched Izzie move back to the table, she watched her lay her head down and close her eyes. This wasn't what she wanted but it was an improvement on before, kind of, at least she wasn't on the floor anymore. Meredith went back to the table and sat down again.

"Iz," She began saying as she reached out and touched her head.

"I don't want to talk." Izzie said before Meredith could finish what she was saying.

"You don't have." Meredith told her, closing her own eyes, she wanted to help, she wanted to take away some of her friends pain but that was impossible. "I just want you to know you're not alone, you don't have to do this by yourself. Everybody is here to help you."

Izzie didn't say anything, she didn't react. Meredith gently started stroking her head. "You're going to get through this." She whispered, so quietly Izzie may not have heard her. The statement was just as much for her benefit as Izzie's, she needed to tell herself her friend would be okay because she couldn't handle losing another friend.

Neither one said another word until the food arrived. Izzie tried to fall asleep, she tried to dream of Alex, but the dreams wouldn't come on their own. Meredith tried to work out what she was going to do next. She knew Izzie wasn't going to want to eat anything, she'd made that quite clear but she needed to eat. She was going to get sick if she didn't eat.

-8-8-8- -8-8-8-  
The delivery man rang the door bell when he arrived. The noise ran through the house making both women jump. It had been so silent before you could have heard a pin drop. Meredith had stopped trying to talk to Izzie, she'd stopped trying to get her to talk. She didn't want to, and honestly Meredith didn't know what she would do if Izzie did start talking to her, if she did start telling her everything, if she told her how she felt, what she was going through. They were all things she thought Izzie needed to talk about but she didn't have to be the one she talked to.

The noise startled Izzie, she hadn't fallen asleep but she was beginning to have a rather nice day dream. She sat up and looked around.

"That'll be the food." Meredith said standing up. She shrugged and lay her head back down on the table.

Meredith left the kitchen and began making her way to the front door. As she walked she began digging in her pockets for some money, she'd shoved the change from the coffee she'd brought that morning into one of them. She shoved one hand into each pocket. Her right hand wrapped around some money, her left hand wrapped around the small bag holding Alex's wedding ring.

"Oh, shit." She thought to herself. She'd completely forgotten about the ring, she'd completely forgotten she needed to give it to Izzie. She opened the front door and handed the man more than enough money to pay for the food. She took it from him and closed the door. She walked slowly back to the kitchen. There were two things she needed to work out now. How was she going to get Izzie to eat and how was she going to give her the ring.

Izzie could hear Meredith walking back up the hallway with the food. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore it. She didn't want to eat, not because she wasn't hungry, she was actually very hungry, but she didn't want to put food in her mouth, she liked the feeling of hunger, she liked making herself physically hurt, it lessened all the other pain.

She heard Meredith walk back into the kitchen, she felt her place the bags of food on the table near her head. She kept her eyes closed and pretended she was asleep, she wasn't going to eat the food, if Meredith asked her if she wanted some she'd say no. But she could smell the food, it smelt good and she felt her stomach being to turn. She heard Meredith pull some plates from the cupboard, she heard her carry them over to the table, and she heard her open the bags and start dishing food onto a plate. She heard her sit down and start to eat but she did not say a word to her. She didn't try to make her eat.

Meredith slipped some noodles into her mouth and began to eat, she ate slowly and made as much noise as she could. She wasn't going to tell Izzie to eat, she wasn't going to try and push her, not yet anyway. She was hoping the smell on its own might convince her to eat. It was a long shot but the only other option was trying to force her which she didn't want to do, and could always try later.

The food smelt good, Izzie felt her stomach rolling, she didn't want to eat but her body wanted her to. She ignored it for as long as possible, but fifteen minutes later she gave in. She sat up and reached for the plate, Meredith smiled at her; she gave her a weak smile back, and began dishing some food onto the plate. She didn't take a lot of food, normally she'd eat a lot more but she wasn't sure how well her body would take the food. She hadn't eaten anything since she'd left the hospital and there she'd only ate what she had to. She stabbed a carrot with a fork and slipped it into her mouth. It wasn't the nicest thing she'd eaten, in fact it tasted like cardboard but her body responded well to it. She didn't feel like she had a lump in her throat, she didn't have problems swallowing. She kept eating and the more she ate the better she felt. She finished what she'd put on her plate and pushed it away. Meredith put her plate down too and smiled at her.

"That was good wasn't it?" She said to her trying to get the conversation going with something light.

"Yeah it was good." Izzie sighed.

"Do you feel any better?"

"I guess." It was an honest response, the food did make her feel better, but she was still a long way from feeling good. "The food was good." She said again. "I guess I was hungry."

"Probably." Meredith smiled at her. "You can have some more if you want."

"I'm alright." Izzie said and she reached for a piece of broccoli, and popped it in her mouth.

"You sure about that?"

Meredith watched as a smile began to creep across Izzie's face.

"Yeah," She said and she licked the ends of her fingers.

"Okay then." There was a pause and then both women started laughing.

It felt good to feel the air break. Meredith could feel Izzie starting to relax and the dark cloud that had been over her starting to lift. They laughed until they forgot why they were laughing and they kept laughing because they didn't have anything else to say.

"Meredith, thank you." Izzie said after a while. "I needed that."

"I know." Meredith smiled at her as she pulled her chair around so they were right next to each other. She put her arm around her shoulder, and pulled her in for a half embrace. "Iz, there is something I need to give you."

"What?" Izzie said pulling away so she could face Meredith.

Meredith took in a breath and stuck her hand into her pocket. She wasn't sure if now was the right time but there would never be a right time. She pulled the ring out of her pocket and placed it in Izzie's hand.

"They found it today at the hospital it's…"

"I know what it is." Izzie said wrapping her hand around the ring. Inside her chest she could feel her heart begin to race. She brought her hand up to her mouth and kissed it. She didn't say anything though.

"Iz, are you okay?" Meredith asked after several minutes of total silence.

"Yeah" Izzie said looking up at her, but the spark in her eyes was gone. "I just need to go lay down." Her words sounded defeated and just a little bit shaky.

"Okay." Meredith said to her and they both started to stand. They walked to the kitchen door together. "Would you like me to stay here?" she offered.

"No, I'll be okay." The words came out with just enough confidence for Meredith to believe them. "I'm going to go to sleep. I'll be fine." Inside she was starting to shake though.

"Okay." Meredith wrapped her arm around her and gave her a hug. "Phone me if you need something. I don't want you to get lost again."

"Okay." She wasn't going to get lost again. "I won't leave the house."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." Izzie wrapped her arms around Meredith and hugged her back. She pulled her close to her, a little tighter than normal. "I'll be fine." She told her and she held onto her for a second longer, she could feel tears starting to well up in eyes. She let go and started walking away. She didn't wait to find out if Meredith left, she just walked into her bedroom and closed the door.

-8-8-8- -8-8-8-

Meredith watched Izzie walk into her bedroom. She didn't follow her, she thought about it but she let her go. She thought she was making progress, she thought she'd be okay. She'd check on her in the morning. She walked back into the kitchen and picked up her bag, and then she walked out the front door.

-8-8-8- -8-8-8-  
Inside her room, Izzie sat down on the edge of the bed. She closed her eyes and felt tears run down the side of her face. She breathed slowly and tried to get herself in control but her heart ached. She was still holding Alex's ring in her hand, she made her hand into a fist and squeezed it as tight as could, she squeezed it until it hurt. Then she opened her eyes and opened her hand. The impression of the ring was lightly etched on her palm. She picked the ring up and began twisting it in her fingers. She ran her fingers over the smooth outer surface, and then around the engraving along the inside.

The engraving had been Alex's idea, a compromise as he called it. She'd wanted them to have matching rings, but she wanted diamonds and he didn't. They'd argued about it for a long time before Alex had come up with something they could agree on. On the inside of their rings it said eternity, but it was only when they were together it could be read.

"Two halves of a whole." He'd said to her when he'd told her the idea. It had been the perfect idea, the perfect compromise.

She slipped the ring onto her finger above her own. She hadn't taken off her ring yet, she couldn't bring herself to remove it. She looked at the two rings together; Alex's slipped over her own.

"Two halves of a whole." She thought to herself and she closed her eyes again. "Alex, why did you leave me?" she whispered under her breath and she started sobbing. She lay down on her side and pulled her knees up to her chest, she cried and her whole body shook. She wanted to fall asleep, she wanted to cry herself to sleep but an hour later she was still wide awake.

She got up again and walked over to her bag; she pulled the bottle of pills from it, and got a large glass of water from the bathroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and bit the lid off the bottle. Pills went flying but this time she didn't stop to pick them up. Instead she tipped more into her hand and one by one she started swallowing them.

One, two, three, four, five. With each pill she swallowed she waited a moment for sleep to come and when it didn't she took another one. She knew she was taking more than she should, she knew it, but she didn't care. She just wanted to sleep; she wanted to sleep so bad, she wanted to sleep so she could stop crying.

She swallowed half the bottle before sleep finally came. She swallowed her last pill and dropped the bottle and the glass at the same time. They hit the ground hard and both rolled under the bed. She slumped over onto her side and closed her eyes. She was conscious just enough to pull Alex's pillow against her chest and then she slipped into the deepest sleep of her life.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks all those who are reading and leaving comments. Here is a short little update.**

* * *

Meredith stood with scalpel in hand, she took a deep breath and then ran the blade down the back of her patient. Blood ran from the incision, she grabbed hold of a cloth and wiped it up and kept working. She was operating on a man in his forties, he had a tumor on his spine which was causing paralysis, her hope was to remove the tumor and restore feeling to the man's legs.

Standing on the other side of the operating table was Derek, he was watching her every move but this surgery was hers, she was in charge. She'd been operating for an hour when her pager started going off. She ignored it, she was in the middle of surgery, solo surgery but it kept going off.

"Who is it?" she finally asked not taking her eyes off her patient. One of the nurses picked up the pager.

"It's Dr O'Malley."

Meredith sighed, George paging her couldn't be a good thing. "Find out what he wants."

There was a pause as nurse spoke to him. "He says he needs to talk to you." She said after a moment.

Meredith sighed, she put down the scalpel, and walked over to the phone, she let the nurse sit it on her shoulder. "What is it?" She asked. There was just a hint of annoyance in her voice.

-8-8-8-8-

George felt himself calm down just a little when he heard Meredith's voice on the other end of the phone. "It's Izzie. I went over to her house to check on her. She won't wake up."

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith felt her insides twist at Georges words. "What do you mean she won't wake up?" She whispered into the phone. She looked around the OR, everyone was staring at her, this wasn't a conversation she wanted to have in front of everyone.

"I mean she won't wake up." He started telling her in a run on sentence. "I'm inside her bedroom and I've been shaking her and she won't wake up." He paused to take a breath but kept going before she had a chance to say anything. "I think she might have taken something, there's pills all over the floor."

"Okay." Meredith felt her insides twist into a tighter knot, she felt ill and inside she started to shake. "I'm in the OR," she began to say. "I'll phone you back in a minute."

She hung up the phone and looked over at Derek. "I have to go." She whispered looking straight into his eyes. "Can you finish this for me?"

"Go." he nodded at her, and she turned and walked as calmly as she could out of the OR.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for the comments. Sorry this is another short part but I'm about to embark on 30 hours of travel time and I wanted to post something before I left. The next update should be much longer.**

* * *

George listened to the phone go dead in his hands. He tried to keep himself calm but he was very scared. He didn't know what he was supposed to do; this wasn't something he knew how to handle. He walked back over to the bed and knelt down beside it. He grabbed hold of Izzie's shoulder and shook her again.

"Please Izzie, wake up." He urged her but there was no change. He was still kneeling there when his phone started ringing.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith slipped into the first empty room she came to. She pulled out her phone and dialed George's number. It didn't even ring once before he answered it.

"What do we do?" He said down the phone, he didn't' even bother with pleasantries, he didn't need to.

"I don't know." Meredith said sitting down on a bed. She felt ill and she couldn't get her head around what was happening. "What exactly has happened?"

"She won't wake up, there are pills all over the floor."

"Okay." Meredith took in a deep breath.

"What do we do?" George asked her again.

"I don't know. I'm trying to think." She could feel her heart starting to race in her chest. This wasn't something she'd dealt with before. "Is she still breathing?" she finally asked.

On the other end of the line she could hear George moving. "Yes" He said after a moment.

"Okay." She let herself exhale, that was a good thing. "What has she taken?"

"I don't know." There was a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Well look. The pills, they had to have come from somewhere, a bottle maybe." She was fishing for straws here, anything that might help her get a grasp of the situation.

"I don't see anything."

"Well look harder."

She could hear George moving around in the room, the moments she waited while he looked were painful. "Okay," he finally said. "I found a bottle." He read the name of the drug to her and she relaxed slightly, she was familiar with the drug, there were a lot worse ones she could have taken.

"Okay," Meredith nodded to herself she was getting a better grasp of the situation now. "How much has she taken?"

"I don't know?" She could hear the fear in George's voice.

She breathed in, in frustration. "The bottle George, how many pills were in the bottle? How many pills are left?"

"I don't know, half maybe."

"Okay." Meredith let the line go silent, she was trying to do the math in her head, she was trying to work out how serious Izzie's situation was, what the likely result of consuming that much medication was.

"What do we do?" George asked her again, the desperation in his voice was increasing.

"I'm trying to think." She snapped back. She didn't know what to do and she didn't like the idea that the decision was up to her. She didn't want to be held responsible for the outcome but at the same time she was already blaming herself for this happening in the first place. She shouldn't have left her on her own, she shouldn't have let this happed. "Has she taken anything else?" She finally asked. There was a silence on the line. "George, has she taken anything else? Are there any other drugs there? Is there any alcohol?" This was very important, what they did next was dependent on it.

"No," George replied. "I don't see anything else."

"Okay." Meredith let out a short breath. "I want you to stay with her, make sure she keeps breathing. I'll be there shortly."

"Meredith…" George started into the line but she hung up before he could say anymore.

She walked out the room and started heading for the lockers. Inside she could feel her heart racing, her palms were sweating and she felt physically ill. This wasn't supposed to happen; she didn't think Izzie would do something like this. She walked into the locker room and pulled her bag from her locker, she didn't bother to change, she just emptied the bag of as much as she could.

She took a deep breath to calm herself and then she stepped out of the locker room. Acting as normal as she could she walked over to the supply room and began placing things in her bag. She collected everything she thought she needed and then she walked out the hospital.

As she walked to her car she prayed she wasn't making a horrible mistake.


	28. Chapter 28

Again George listened to the phone go dead in his hand. He stared at it for a moment before slipping it back into his pocket and directing his attention back to Izzie. She was lying on her side with her knees pulled to her chest. She looked very peaceful, if he hadn't tried to wake her he never would have known anything was wrong, but something was wrong. 

He'd known his friend was hurting but he hadn't realized it was this bad. He didn't think Izzie would do something like this, he'd thought she was stronger, he'd thought…there were a lot of things he'd thought that now seemed totally wrong. He bent down on his knees and started picking up the fallen pills. When he was done just over half the bottle was left. He found himself wondering how much she'd taken previously and no one noticed. It was only by chance that he'd noticed this time, if he'd stopped by a few hours earlier or a few hours later he may have taken her sleeping state to be just that, he might not have tried to wake her.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith drove to Izzie's house as fast as she could. In her mind she was already second guessing her decision to go there. If it had been anyone else in any other situation she would have told them to call an ambulance but she didn't want to take Izzie to the hospital, not if she didn't have to.

As she drove she ran everything she knew about the drug Izzie had taken through her head, she tried to remember at what dose serious side effects started to occur and how much Izzie had taken. The words _'relatively safe in overdoes'_ kept coming through her head but she wasn't sure she was remembering that right. By the time she pulled up in the drive she wasn't sure of her decision but she was there now. She picked up her bag and headed straight for the front door. She didn't bother to knock; she let herself in and made her way to the bedroom.

George heard Meredith before he saw her, her foot steps echoed down the hallway and then she opened the door. She didn't say anything to him as she walked in. She placed her bag on the ground and walked straight to Izzie. She knelt down beside her and grabbed hold of her shoulder.

"Iz, Iz, wake up." She said gently shaking her.

"I already tried that." George said to her. "She won't wake up."

Meredith didn't say anything back to him. Instead she stood up and grabbed her bag. She tipped it upside down and the contents spilled all over the floor. George's mouth dropped, Meredith had brought half the hospital with her.

She picked up a blood pressure pump and wrapped it around Izzie's arm, she pressed go and then grabbed a thermometer. She took her blood pressure, her temperature, her pulse rate; she wrote everything down in a note book, they were all just within normal ranges. Then she went back to the pile of supplies on the floor. She picked up a banana bag and the other bits associated with it. She knelt down beside Izzie and pulled her left arm away from the pillow, as she did she noticed Alex's ring sitting on her finger above her own. She felt a pain inside her chest as she realized that was probably why this was happening. She looked away for a second to steady herself then carefully inserted the needle into the back of Izzie's hand and taped it in place.

"Meredith what are you doing?" George asked her as she finished inserting the IV and sat the bag against the bed head.

She turned to look at him for the first time since entering the room. Her face was a shade lighter than normal, her eyes looked glassy. "What does it look like I'm doing?" She said picking up the bottle of pills and walking over to her medical supplies. "I'm taking care of her." She picked up a vial of something and started reading the labels together.

"Don't you think we should…" He watched as Meredith stuck a syringe into the vial and drew some of the liquid out, she walked over to Izzie and injected the liquid into her arm. "…take her to the hospital?"

Meredith placed the syringe on the bedside table and turned to face him. "We're not going to the hospital." She ran her hand down the side of Izzie's face and stood up.

"But Meredith," George looked back at her stunned. "She needs to go to the hospital."

"No she doesn't. We can take care of her here." She knelt down on the ground and began placing the medical supplies she'd brought back into the bag.

"But Meredith…"

She looked up at him, her eyes were glassy, she was barely holding back her own tears. "If you really think she needs to go to the hospital, why did you phone me first?"

"I…" He didn't know the answer; he wasn't sure why his first reaction had been to phone Meredith instead of an ambulance.

"What are they going to do at the hospital that we're not already doing here?"

"I don't know." He looked over at Izzie, at what Meredith had already done. "Pump her stomach."

Meredith reached into the bag and pulled out a small pump. "We can do that if you want, if you think it will help but…" She put the pump back into her bag and reached for the pills. "How long do you think it's been since she took these?"

"I…"

"Don't know?" She asked cutting him off. "I'll tell you when she took them. She took them last night, right after I left, right after I gave her that." She pointed to Izzie's hand, to Alex's ring sitting on her finger. "Pumping her stomach isn't going to help. They're not in her stomach anymore; they're already in her blood stream." As the words came out of her mouth she felt herself begin to crack, she sat down on the floor and tried to compose herself.

"Meredith…" She felt George sit down beside her.

"This is my fault," she started saying again. "Yesterday she was good, she was doing better, she ate and she laughed. I thought she was okay, that's why I gave it to her, and afterwards she said she was okay. I should have known she wasn't really okay. I should have stayed with her but she said she was…" her voice trailed off as she realized what Izzie had told her. "…going to go to sleep."

"Meredith…" She felt George put his arm around her as the first tears started to run down her face.

"We can't take her to the hospital George," She wasn't going to let him say anything. "If we take her to the hospital they'll put her in the psych ward. I don't want her to wake up in the psych ward. I know she needs help but I don't want to force it on her, she needs to realize it herself."

"Meredith…" Whatever George was trying to say he didn't get to say it. He was cut off by Izzie as she let out a loud moan. They both stopped and watched as she rolled over on the bed.

Meredith let a small smile come across her face. "She's going to be okay." She said with more confidence than before. "We just need to wait for everything to work its way out of her system."

She stood up and began taking her vitals again. As she lent over her body to take her blood pressure she saw her pull the pillow closer to her chest and she heard her softly moan

"Alex don't leave me."


	29. Chapter 29

_"Alex don't leave me."The words came out of Izzie mouth in a soft gentle moan. She pulled him closer to her and she buried her face in his chest. _

_"I'm right here." He whispered back to her and she felt his hand rub the back of her head. "Right here." She pulled him even closer to her, she held onto him as tight as she could but then everything around her dissolved and he was gone. _

_She was standing alone in a very dark place, so dark she couldn't even see herself. "Alex?" she whispered under her breath. But there was no reply, she spun around but behind her was just the same, total darkness. "Alex!" she screamed but he wasn't there. The darkness scared her, "Alex!" she screamed again. She stood very still and tried to listen, he was there, he had to be there, he wouldn't…from behind her she thought she heard something she spun around again but it was still the same. "Alex." She began crying, "Where are you?" And then she smelt him, his scent wafting through the air and she began running. _

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith watched as Izzie rolled over on the bed again. She'd been doing that a lot in the last hour, thrashing around, it wasn't nice to watch, she didn't look like she was dreaming, she looked like she was having nightmares. Meredith stood and walked over to the bed again, she sat down on the edge of it, and began going through the same routine she'd been doing for last five hours. She tried to wake her and when that didn't work she talked to her until she seemed to relax again. Once she was still she checked her vitals and the site of the IV, an hour earlier she'd thrashed so hard she'd ripped the needle out, blood had dripped onto her sheets but even that hadn't woken her up. Sometimes she'd give her another dose of antidote but it didn't seem to be working.

-8-8-8-8-

George walked down the hallway and into Izzie's kitchen. He wasn't really hungry but he was looking for something to do. They'd been there for five hours and he was starting to go stir crazy, he didn't like sitting still and waiting, he was still a little unsure about what they were doing but Meredith kept telling him that it was in Izzie's best interest. In a way he supposed it was, he understood where Meredith was coming from and she assured him if it appeared Izzie was getting worse in any way they would go to the hospital. She wasn't getting worse though, she was slowly getting better, every time Meredith took her vitals, which was often they were a little closer to the center of normal.

He walked over to her fridge and opened the door. As soon as he did he could smell something was off. He couldn't quite place the smell but it wasn't a normal smell, it wasn't a smell that should ever be coming out of a fridge. He bent down on his knees and stared at its contents in hope that the source of the smell was obvious, it wasn't, there were several things which looked like they shouldn't be there. He sighed and pulled the garbage bin out from under the sink. Then he knelt down on his knees and began the process of cleaning out Izzie's fridge.

-8-8-8-8-

Christina pulled out her phone and ducked into the residents lounge. There were three second years sitting there playing cards.

"What are you doing?" she growled at them as soon as she saw them. "There is work you could be doing, go!" She glared at them until they packed up and left.

As soon as they were gone she fell into one of the arm chairs and began dialing Meredith's number. She hadn't seen her friend all afternoon and she was stressed out. The hospital was a mad house and there weren't enough residents to cover everything.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith sat down on the edge of Izzie's bed and ran her hand down the side of her face. "Izzie, please wake up." She whispered quietly under her breath, this waiting was starting to get to her, she felt completely totally utterly powerless, and she was worried. She kept telling herself she was doing the right thing, but a part of her kept asking, what if she wasn't.

She was still sitting there when she felt her cell phone begin to vibrate in her pocket, she pulled it out and looked at the caller ID, it was Christina, before answering the phone she swore under her breath, she was supposed to be helping her out today.

-8-8-8-8-

"Come on answer." Christina said under her breath as she heard her phone continue to ring. It rung four times before she heard the sound of the line connecting.

"Christina." She heard Meredith's voice down the phone line. "What's up?" Her voice sounded casual, way too casual.

"Where are you?" The question wasn't meant to sound accusation but it came across that way.

Meredith gulped, she hadn't consciously decided not to tell Christina but she hadn't decided to tell her either. "I'm at Izzie's."

She heard Christina let out a sigh, "What are you doing there? You're supposed to be at the hospital."

"I know, but Izzie needs someone with her."

"I thought O'Malley was with her."

"He is but…" She didn't know quite how to put it. "I need to be with her."

"Why?" There was a pause on the line, before Meredith could answer Christina kept talking. "I need you here. There are trauma cases everywhere, interns running around that don't know what they're doing, half the residents don't seem to know what they're doing. I need your help."

Meredith let out a long slow breath, it wasn't often that Christina admitted to needing help but she still couldn't leave. "I'm sure you can handle it." She offered instead.

Christina wasn't handling it though, not how she wanted to be anyways, Chief resident was a hard job to begin with and she was doing it with a third of her senior residents absent. This wasn't what she'd signed up for. "Why do you have to be there?" She asked again, she just wanted her friend back at work with her. "Is she dying or something?"

Meredith didn't answer; there was a long silence, before Christina finally spoke again, the realization hitting her. "Meredith what has she done?"

Meredith looked over at Izzie's sleeping body; Christina would be the first person she'd tell, possibly the only person she'd tell. "She's taken some pills." As the words came out she tried to sound as flat as possible, she didn't want to sound scared or worried. She kept talking before Christina had a chance to say anything. "She's going to be okay, she just needs to sleep it off, but I have to be here when she wakes up."

Christina listened to the words come out of Meredith's mouth. She felt her insides turn but a part of her wasn't surprised something like this had happened, she'd once said out of all of them Izzie was the most likely to go postal, and while this wasn't quite the same thing, it didn't totally surprise her. "Okay." She finally said in response and then her pager went off. "Keep me posted on how she is. I've got to go." She slipped her phone back into her pocket and started running. She was once again grateful for the chaos, she'd take an over crowed understaffed hospital over a potentially suicidal Izzie any day.

-8-8-8-8-

"Who was that?"

Meredith looked up to see George standing in the doorway, holding an over stuffed bag of trash.

"Christina. She wanted to know where I was."

"Oh, did you tell her?"

"Yeah." She watched as George began shifting his weight between his feet. "What's with the garbage?"

"Oh, I arr…cleaned out the fridge." He gave her a weak smile; he wasn't normally one to clean fridges. She smiled back at him. "I was going to go to the store and buy some more food. Is there anything you'd like me to get you?"

She thought about the offer for a moment before declining. "Nah, I'm alright."

"Okay." He went to leave but stopped before he left. "How is she doing?" He asked.

She didn't smile at him; she shrugged her shoulders and simply said, "She hasn't changed."

"Okay." He stood in the hallway a little longer, not sure if he should leave now or not.

"George," Meredith began speaking again. "She's going to be okay, she just needs to sleep it off."

"I know." He began shifting his weight between his feet again. Meredith watched him, he looked uncomfortable.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to." She told him. "We'll be okay, I can watch her and I can phone you when she wakes up."

"Maybe, I arr…don't know. I'm going to go to the shop now." He turned and this time he started to walk away.

-8-8-8-8-

George walked out of Izzie's house and threw the trash into the bin. Leaving was hard, but staying was harder, he couldn't sit there and just wait. He climbed into his car and began driving away. He told himself he'd be back, that everything was going to be okay. But he wasn't sure if he really could stay.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith opened her eyes and sat bolt upright, she'd fallen asleep, she wasn't meant to fall asleep. She was meant to be watching Izzie, she checked her watch, it was going on 7am, she'd been asleep for hours. She felt the knot inside her stomach begin to form, she crawled onto her knees and began making her way towards Izzie's bed, she found herself praying she was still okay, she'd never forgive herself if she wasn't.

She placed her hand gently on her forehead, she felt normal, she listened closely and she heard her softly breathing, she was still okay, or as okay she was, she wasn't really okay, she still hadn't woken up and it was going on thirty six hours since they thought she'd taken the pills.

"Izzie," Meredith grabbed hold of Izzie's shoulder and began shaking her again. "It's time to wake up." She wasn't really expecting any reaction, she'd been shaking her ever so often all night and nothing had happened but she couldn't not try it again. "Iz, come on."

-8-8-8-8-

"Iz, come on." The words pierced into her dream, and she felt a hand on her shoulder shaking her. The images of her dream dissolved, replaced by a blackness. She rolled onto her back and moaned. She wanted the shaking to stop, and it did for a moment, then she felt it again, harder and more forceful than before. She moaned again, but it only made the shaking more determined, she waited a moment hoping that it might stop, but when it didn't she tried to open her eyes.

She blinked a few times but she couldn't focus, the shaking stopped though. She closed her eyes again, and rolled back onto her side.

"Iz, no, no, come on wake up." As she heard the words she felt someone roll her back onto her back, they weren't going to stop. She lay there for another moment and then tried to open her eyes again. The sun was starting to come up though and the light was beginning to spill into the room, it hurt her eyes and she wanted to close them again. She blinked and then when the shaking finally stopped she tried to sit up. She used her arm to prop herself up on her side, she couldn't move any further on her own she felt so sick. Her head was spinning and she felt like she needed to vomit. She was still trying to get her bearing when she felt arms wrap around her and pull her into a tight embrace.

"Iz, I'm so glad you're awake." Someone said to her. It took her a moment to work out who the voice belonged to, who was holding her like she might have been gone.

"Meredith," She finally said pushing herself away from the embrace. "What are you doing here?"


	30. Chapter 30

"Iz," Meredith looked back at her friend, she looked very disorientated. "Do you remember what you did?"

"What?" She didn't know what Meredith was talking about and then she saw the half empty bottle of pills sitting on her bedside table. "Oh that. You weren't supposed to find out about that." She looked away; she didn't want to talk to Meredith about it. She twisted around so she was sitting on the edge of the bed, she rested her head in her hands and she closed her eyes again. She felt so ill.

"Iz," She felt Meredith move on the bed beside her. "How could we not find out?"

She didn't know she hadn't really thought about it, when she'd swallowed the pills she wasn't really thinking, she'd just wanted to sleep. She didn't say anything, she didn't want to talk, instead she let out another moan. And then a wave of nausea traveled through her body. "I'm going to be sick." She said standing up. Standing didn't help, blood rushed to her feet and she instantly felt dizzy as well. She swayed and she felt Meredith grab hold of her. It took a moment for her to get her balance and then she started stumbling to the bathroom. She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and lent over the toilet but she wasn't sick, she wanted to be sick but there was nothing in her stomach to be sick with.

Meredith watched Izzie stumble to the bathroom. She went after her and stopped at the door. She watched her sit on the edge of the bathtub and lean forward, she let out a soft moan but she wasn't sick. She stood watching her for a minute, she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do next, there were a lot of things she needed to do, things which needed to be said but she wasn't sure of the best way to go about it. Izzie looked quite ill and she needed to talk to her but she needed to make sure she'd listen too.

"Iz," She said walking into the bathroom, "I'm going to go get you something to drink. Will you be okay for a minute?"

Izzie's only response was another moan, she didn't care what Meredith did, she just wanted the nausea to stop, she just wanted to feel normal. Her head felt like it was stuck in a cloud, she couldn't concentrate. When Meredith was gone she stood up and stumbled back to the bed. She lay down on it, she wanted to fall back asleep, she thought maybe if she slept more maybe this feeling she felt would go away. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing, in her chest she could feel her heart thumping, she didn't like the feeling.

Meredith walked down the hallway to the kitchen, in her head she was trying to run though everything that needed to happen in the next few hours, she was trying to work out what she needed to say to Izzie and how on earth she was supposed to say it. They hadn't really talked about anything since the accident; they'd avoided discussing feelings because discussing feelings was hard, it was painful. They couldn't keep avoiding the conversation though not anymore.

In the kitchen she pulled out her phone and made a few quick phone calls, she needed to tell George and Christina that Izzie had finally woken up. She didn't want them to come over though, not yet, she wanted to try and handle this herself. When she was done she opened the fridge and pulled out some juice. She poured one large glass of it and another glass of water and carried them both back to the bedroom. In her head she thought she knew what she was going to do but she had no idea if it was the right thing to do.

Izzie heard Meredith walk back into the room but she didn't move, she kept her eyes closed and tried to be asleep. She heard the sound of two glasses being placed on the bedside table and felt Meredith's weight on the bed beside her.

"Izzie, you need to stay awake." She heard her say and then she felt a hand on her shoulder and a gentle shaking motion. The shaking didn't help the nausea.

"I'm a wake." She said still not opening her eyes. "Please stop shaking me." The shaking stopped but Meredith wasn't going to let her just lay there.

"Iz, you need to sit up. I brought you some juice, you'll feel better once you have something to eat and drink."

She didn't want to sit up though; she let out another moan and instead opened her eyes. She looked up at Meredith and noticed for the first time how blood shot her eyes were and how tired she looked.

"I don't feel well." She said. "I just want to lay here for a bit."

Meredith still wasn't going to let her lay there though. "I know you don't feel well, swallowing that much medication is going to make you feel sick but you really need to sit up and have something to drink. It will help you feel better."

She didn't want to get up but after a moment she felt Meredith begin to try and pull her up. She pushed herself the rest of the way up and sat on the edge of the bed. Meredith handed her the glass of juice and she took a small sip. It tasted horrible in her mouth, it was too sweet, and it didn't make her feel better. She put the glass back on the bedside table and reached for the water. It tasted better but it still wasn't helping.

Meredith watched Izzie take a sip of the water, it was a start. She waited until she'd drunk half the glass before she tried talking to her. This wasn't a conversation she wanted to have but it was a conversation they had to have.

"Izzie, we need to talk." she began, and then held her breath while she waited for Izzie to respond.

Izzie took a large gulp of water; she didn't want to do this. "There's nothing to talk about." She said not making eye contact.

Meredith gulped; this wasn't going to be easy. "Izzie you swallowed half a bottle of sleeping pills."

Izzie turned her head to look at her. "I wasn't trying to kill myself if that's what you're thinking." She said before looking away again.

That wasn't a response Meredith was expecting, it took her a moment to work out how to respond. "Why did you take them?" she finally asked. Izzie didn't respond. "Iz, why did you take them?"

Izzie didn't say anything for a long time, "Iz," she felt Meredith place her hand on her arm; she pushed it away and finally responded.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I can tell but you have to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to me about it that's fine, we can go down to the hospital and I'll organize for you to talk to someone there, but you have to talk to someone."

Izzie lifted her glass to her mouth and drunk the remainder of the water. She didn't want to talk but she didn't want to go down to the hospital more, not as a patient. She exhaled slowly and tried to work out how she was going to explain. "I just wanted to sleep." She finally said. "I just wanted to sleep forever."

As the words came out of her mouth she felt Meredith move closer to her. "Do you hear what you're saying?" She asked her. "How is sleeping forever any different?"

"I don't know." She blinked her eyes; she could feel tears starting form. "But I didn't want to die I just wanted to sleep, I just wanted it to stop hurting." She closed her eyes and felt the tears run down her face. "If I was trying to kill myself, I would have mixed these with some alcohol; I wouldn't have taken them with water." She was trying to justify what she'd done, but she wasn't sure it was working, her words even to her sounded off. Was she really trying to kill herself, the thought in that form hadn't crossed her mind as she'd consciously swallowed more than she knew was safe, at the time she'd just wanted to sleep, she'd just wanted it to stop hurting but as Meredith had just said, how was that any different.

"Iz," She felt Meredith put her arm around and pull her closer to her. "You scared us all half to death. I was so scared, I thought…" It was now Meredith's turn to tear up; she couldn't get the words she wanted to say out. "I've already lost one friend I don't want to lose another." As the words came out her mouth Izzie turned to face her, she was crying too.

"I'm so sorry." She sobbed and she wrapped her arms around Meredith's shoulders. "I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to keep going without him. I miss him so much and when I sleep I dream about him."

"I know." Meredith pulled her even tighter. "I miss him too but this isn't…what you're doing, it's not healthy. It's not what Alex would want." She blinked her eyes letting more tears run down her face. She let go of Izzie so she could look at her. "I spoke to Alex, I spoke to him before he went into surgery. He knew he was in bad shape and he wanted me to tell you." She gulped fighting back more tears. "He wanted me to tell you he loves you, and he wants you to be happy, he doesn't want you to mourn him forever. He wouldn't want you doing this."

Izzie listened to Meredith's words, they made her ache even more but she knew she was right. Alex wouldn't want her doing this but she felt so lost without him. "I don't know how to live without him." She cried as she rested her head against Meredith's shoulder.

"I know," Meredith whispered through her own tears. She pulled Izzie tight to her side and gently started rubbing her back. "I don't know either but you have to learn. You have to learn to live without him because what you're doing now, it's not living."


	31. Part Two: Learning to Live

**Thanks for the comments everyone. The previous chapter was not the end of the story as some of you asked however if this was a novel there would be a blank page right now and then another page with the words Part Two. The end of the last chapter saw Izzie hit rock bottom and realise what she has been doing it not healthy, is not what Alex would want. This chapter is the first step in the long road Izzie must travel as she learns to live without Alex. Things are going to start getting better or at least that is my intention.**

* * *

Izzie closed her eyes and let herself cry. She hoped it might make her feel better but it just made her feel worse. She cried so hard she felt like she would choke on her own tears but she didn't try to make herself stop. She wasn't the only one crying, Meredith was crying too, and the harder they both cried the closer to each other they became, literally, it was like they were holding onto the other for dear life. They stayed like that for a long time, just holding each other and crying, but eventually the tears dried up.

"Iz," She heard Meredith begin to say. "Lets go to the kitchen and get something to eat."

"I'm not really hungry." The response was more of a reflex than a defense, it wasn't that she didn't want to eat it was just she still felt so ill and she didn't think food would help.

"I think some food would make you feel better. You've hardly ate anything for the last five days. Come on."

Meredith stood and held out her hand for Izzie. After a moments hesitation Izzie reached up and took it, she let Meredith pull her to her feet and as she stood she felt her head begin to spin, she swayed a little bit before, she felt Meredith grab hold of her.

"Easy now," Meredith smiled at her. "You're going to be feeling pretty crock for a few more hours."

"Yeah" Izzie tried to smile back but she didn't feel good at all.

-8-8-8-8-

"You're not going to cook are you?" Izzie asked Meredith as she sat her down at the kitchen table. The thought of eating anything Meredith cooked was not a pleasant thought.

"Do you want me to cook?" Meredith smiled at her. It was a rhetorical question; no one ever wanted her to cook. She let out a small laugh. "No, I was going to make sandwiches."

"Good."Izzie tried to smile back, "I didn't want to have to shut off that smoke detector again."

"Yeah," Meredith smiled, it was a start, and Izzie was trying.

For the rest of the morning, the two women sat in the kitchen and talked. Meredith managed to get Izzie to talk about how she was feeling, it was a difficult conversation, difficult to get started but once she got going it became easier. They both had moments of crying, it was impossible to talk without crying, but they made progress.

Izzie ate the sandwiches Meredith made, they were surprisingly good and they did make her feel better, a little bit. Time was what she really needed though, time for the medications to pass though her system, time for her heart to stop aching.

By the time lunch time came around they'd moved on to talking about what was going to happen next. What Izzie wanted to do, felt ready to do, and what Meredith thought she needed to do. High on the list of priorities was making sure she started eating properly again, food would help with a lot of things, or at least it would help her feel better physically, it would give her some energy and maybe with some energy she'd be able to begin to heal emotionally.

"I think we should go down to the hospital." Meredith suggested as she placed another sandwich in front of Izzie, this sandwich was lunch.

"I…I don't want to go there." Izzie stammered as her skin went a shade lighter. "I'm okay, really I'll be fine, I don't need to go there." She picked up the sandwich and took a bite of it, she wanted to look like she was okay, she needed to be okay. "See I'm okay." She tried to smile, but she couldn't hide the way she was really feeling from her eyes. She didn't want to go down to the hospital, the idea of being there terrified her.

Meredith saw through her, she saw the hint of fear and that was not the reaction she had intended for. "Iz we don't have to go down there if you don't want to." She soothed. "But I think it might help, and," she added, "you should have your arm looked at again. You haven't been taking care with it and you need it to heal properly."

"Oh." Izzie whispered taking another bite of the sandwich, at that moment eating was easier than talking. She'd been talking a lot, and listening, together she was finding it very draining. But she saw what Meredith was saying. She ran her fingers along the incisions on her arm, if she pushed hard enough she could feel the plates and screws beneath her skin, and she suddenly realized messed up her arm really was.

Before she hadn't noticed, or if she had, she hadn't cared. She tried to make her hand into a fist and flex her fingers, the movement hurt and she bit down on her lip to try and stop herself crying in pain, tears spilt from her eyes. "Okay," she said after a moment. "We can go to the hospital, but I don't want to stay there."

-8-8-8-8-

Another hour past after Izzie agreed to go down to the hospital before they actually left the house. Meredith made the phone calls to organize the x-rays and then they talked about what was going to happen. Meredith could tell Izzie was uncomfortable with going down to the hospital. The last time she'd been there she was still in shock and heavily doped up on meds, she'd been like a walking zombie. Now her head was clearer and she was fully aware of what she was about to do.

Going home had been bad, but really they'd only been living there a few weeks, the hospital had practically been their home for the last four year. She wouldn't be able to walk anywhere without seeing Alex, without feeling a pulling in her chest knowing he would never be there again.

They drove down to the hospital in silence. Izzie was trying to keep herself composed, she was trying not to cry, trying not to shake, it was only partially working. By the time Meredith pulled the car into the parking lot, she'd worked herself into a state. She could not move and her heart was pounding.

"Izzie," She felt Meredith touch her shoulder, the contact helped snap her out a little. "We're here. Are you ready to go inside?"

Ready, she would never really be ready, but she had to be, she had to start trying to move forward. Meredith had told her that is what Alex would want and she believed that but, it didn't make it any easier.

"Okay." She whispered and she opened the car door and stepped out. She walked to the entrance of the hospital and stood there. She couldn't go inside by herself, she waited for Meredith to come stand beside her.

"You can do this." She heard Meredith whisper to her.

"I know." She whispered back. She reached down and grabbed hold of Meredith's hand. "Don't leave me." She whispered squeezing her hand tight.

"I won't." Meredith whispered and she felt Izzie take a deep breath and they stepped inside the hospital.

-8-8-8-8-

The smell was what hit her first that strange combination of antiseptics and disinfectants all mixed into one. It was a smell which only a hospital could make. A smell which she had forgotten about after working there a few weeks but now it seemed to overwhelm her senses. She let go of Meredith's hand and ran to the closest restroom. She pushed open the door, and crouched over one of the bowls, then she closed her eyes and began to vomit.

Meredith walked in a few steps behind her. "Izzie are you okay?" She heard her ask as she knelt down on the ground beside her and pulled back her hair.

"Yeah," She sat up and used some towel to wipe her mouth. "I thought I was okay but then…"

"You don't need to explain yourself." Meredith told her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." She stayed sitting for another moment before standing up. She walked over to the basin and rinsed her mouth out and wet her face. "I'm okay." She said turning to face Meredith. "Lets go."

They walked out of the restroom and headed down the corridor towards x-ray. Izzie reached for Meredith's hand and held tightly onto it. As they walked deeper into the hospital she could feel her heart rate increasing, and her palms begin to sweat, she was trying to keep her body, her emotions in check but it was only working a little bit. She couldn't look anywhere without some form of memory hitting her.

By the time they reached x-ray she was only just in control of herself. She sat down in one of the chairs in the waiting area and told herself to breath, she told herself to stay together. She didn't want to fall apart here. Beside her Meredith was filling in the paper work, she kept asking her mundane questions and as annoying as the questions were answering them seem edto help.

She began to clam down or at least the focus of her anxiety began to change. When the time came for her to have the x-ray taken she was okay. She followed the technician into the room, and followed his instructions as he positioned her arm on the table and placed a lead apron over the rest of her body. They took the shots, and she walked back to the waiting room, Meredith was still sitting there filling out forms.

"How did it go?" Meredith asked her as she sat back down.

"I don't know." She lent back against the chair. "Do you think it is okay?"

"I don't know." Meredith put her papers down. She reached for Izzie's arm and took it gently in her hands. "I saw the original films, the breaks were server but they did a good job of repairing them."

"Ms Stevens?" Someone had walked into the waiting area holding a large yellow envelop. Izzie stood up and took it from the person and went back to the chair.

"Lets go somewhere else to look at it." Meredith suggested standing up. She didn't want Izzie to receive bad results, or mixed results in the waiting area.

"Okay." Izzie said and they began walking the corridors of the hospital again. The second time through the corridors weren't as bad. Maybe it was because she'd already been through them, or maybe it was because she was anxious to see her x-ray but she didn't feel so overwhelmed with memories.

They found an empty exam room and pulled the x-rays from the envelope; they stuck them in a light box and looked at them. Izzie gulped, she hadn't seen her previous x-ray, or if she had she didn't remember. "Wow" She whispered under her breath. If it hadn't been her x-ray she was staring she may have found the images exciting, but they were hers and excited was about as far away from how she could possibly be feeling. The plates and screws were doing a good job of holding the fractures in place but there were so many of them.

"It looks okay." Meredith smiled at her, "See it's beginning to heal."

"Yeah." Izzie sighed and she reached for the films and pulled them down. She didn't want to look at them anymore, she knew how bad her arm was, staring at them wasn't going to help.

Meredith watched as Izzie tried to stuff the films back into the envelope. She was moving differently now, she was holding her arm protectively against her chest and was trying to do everything with the one hand.

"Here, let me help." She offered taking the envelope and the films from Izzie and sliding them into the envelope.

"Thanks." Izzie whispered and then she just kind of stood there. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do now, what they were supposed to do, they'd finished what they came to the hospital for, or at least they'd finished what Meredith had told her they were coming to the hospital for, what she'd agreed to come to the hospital for.

"Izzie," Meredith was talking to her again. She looked up at her. "We should have an orthopaedist look at these too. They look okay but we should still have a specialist look at them."

"Okay." Izzie nodded, that was probably a good idea.

"And Iz, there is something else I think we should do too."

"What?" She knew this was coming, she knew they weren't just going to the hospital for x-rays that was just the ploy to get her there.

"I think we should clean out Alex's cubby."

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie didn't want to clean out Alex's cubby, she didn't want to do anything aside from sleeping but she knew she couldn't just do that, not if her friends had anything to do with it. But cleaning out Alex's cubby was one of the last things she wanted to do, it wouldn't be about remembering him, it would be like she was removing him. Once his things were gone from the space it would no longer be his, soon someone else would put their things there and it would be like he was never there.

She walked into the residence lounge behind Meredith, it was empty, that was the first thing she noticed and she was glad, she didn't need people watching her while she did this. They both sat down on the bench in front of the cubbies. Alex's was right in front of her, but it didn't look like his anymore. People had been placing cards and flowers in it, it looked over full, some of the flowers were falling out, some of the flowers were dying. She looked over at her cubby, it was much the same, over full with dying flowers.

She stood up and walked over to the cubbies, she grabbed hold of the flowers and started throwing them to the floor, they didn't belong there, they weren't hers, they weren't his, when they were all gone she sat back down again. She stared at the two cubbies, they were complete opposites of each other, hers was over crowed, she had several changes of clothes and a lot of food. Alex used to call her cubby a pantry, he used to say he knew where to look if he ever got hungry in the middle of the night. Alex's cubby was almost empty, he didn't keep much at work, just a change of scrubs, the only way you could tell it was his was the photos he kept stuck up on the side of it. He didn't keep a lot of photos, just a couple of them together and a few of her. He'd always told her he didn't need many photos that the real images where inside his head. He said he kept the photos there so no one would steal his cubby, she often wondered if it was also so no one would steal her. Not that he had anything to worry about there, her heart belonged to him, and his heart belonged to her, or at least it had, she wasn't sure how that worked now.

"Izzie." Meredith's voice broke into her thoughts. "We've been sitting here for half an hour. Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

"No," She whispered back. "I'll never be ready." She swallowed hard. "I feel like I'm about to clean him away, remove him, once this is done it will be like he was never here."

"Iz, you're not removing him," She felt Meredith move on the bench beside her. "He'll always be here," she moved her arms to gesture the room, "and he'll always be here." She took her hand and placed it over Izzie's heart. "The rest of this stuff, it's all superficial, it's not important, not really, these things they're just objects, they're not Alex."

"I know," Izzie gulped. "But that doesn't make it any easier. I don't want people to forget him, I don't want people to forget he was here, I don't want him to be replaced."

She started to cry again and Meredith pulled her to her side. "We can't control what the hospital does." She whispered to her. "But even if they do hire a new doctor no one is ever going to replace him, not for you, not for me, and not for everyone else who matters."

Izzie didn't say anything else, she took in a deep breath and a shiver ran through her whole body. Meredith held her tighter, she was beginning to think maybe this was a bad idea, maybe she was asking too much too soon but what they were doing it needed to be done. And just when she was about to ask her again if she wanted help Izzie stood up and walked over to the cubby.

She reached for the photos and began pulling them down, she slipped them into her bag and then picked up the pair of scrubs. She brought them to her nose and smelt them, they smelt like hospital grade detergent, there was nothing 'Alex' about them, she threw them into the laundry and turned to face Meredith. Meredith was still sitting on the bench and she had a smile on her face. Izzie looked away from her.

"Can we go now?" She asked and then she waited for Meredith to stand so she could take her home. She didn't want to be at the hospital anymore and she thought she'd done enough for the day. She wanted to go back home and sleep again, she was ready to sleep again.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: This update has been such a long time coming. I hope people are still reading this and thanks to everyone who has been leaving reviews.**

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_"Can we go now?" She asked and then she waited for Meredith to stand so she could take her home. She didn't want to be at the hospital anymore and she thought she'd done enough for the day. She wanted to go back home and sleep again, she was ready to sleep again._

"Not yet, there is one more thing we need to do." The words came out of Meredith's mouth and Izzie felt herself sink more. What else could Meredith want her do to? She'd just cleaned out Alex's cubby, that was a big step, that was hard.

"What?" She asked.

"I…" Meredith looked away from her for a second. "I want you to talk to one of the hospital grief counsellors."

"Oh." She felt herself begin freeze up she didn't want to talk to a counsellor, she wasn't ready to talk, not really, she'd been talking with Meredith but that wasn't really the same thing.

"I phoned them earlier, they said we can come up there this afternoon."

"I don't want to talk to a counsellor." The quiver, slight fear resonated from her voice. Meredith heard it and she stepped forward to touch her but Izzie stepped back.

"Iz you need to talk to a counsellor. You need to talk to someone."

"I don't want to talk to anyone." The idea of sitting in a room with a stranger and spilling her feelings out to them, she didn't want to do that. "I'm not ready to talk to anyone."

"Iz," Meredith was standing right beside her now she was holding her arm and she wasn't going to let it go. "I don't care if you're not ready. You tried to kill yourself. You have to talk to someone."

"I didn't try to kill myself." She tried to pull her arm away from Meredith but she couldn't move.

"Okay, you overdosed on sleeping pills. It's the same thing. When I found you, I should have phoned an ambulance, I should have taken you to the hospital but I didn't because I didn't want you to wake up in the psyche ward, I didn't want you to wake up in that environment. But you have to talk to someone."

"I'll talk to you. I've been talking to you." Izzie was starting the tear up again, it was obvious this was something she didn't want to do.

"I know, and that is good but this is bigger than me, I can't give you what you need."

"Please Meredith can you just take me home." She was starting to beg, it sounded like she was pleading. "I'm so tried."

"This will only take an hour then we can leave."

Meredith wrapped her arm tightly around Izzie's waist and began walking her forward. At first she tried to stay where she was, she didn't want to move but eventually she started walking. She went with Meredith because she didn't really have much choice.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Christina glanced down at her watch, it had been an hour since she'd seen Meredith lead a very scared looking Izzie into the residence lounge, an hour since she'd let anyone else in the room. Meredith hadn't asked her to do it, she hadn't asked her to make sure they had some privacy but she'd seen the look on her face. Izzie looked scared, but Meredith looked drained, she'd been shouldering all the weight, she'd been holding Izzie up on her own. Some privacy was the lease she could offer, it was the only thing she could offer, was willing to offer.

It wasn't her place to say who could and couldn't come into the room, she had no real power over it but she had some pretend power. She had enough power to send residences on wild goose chases looking for lab results for factitious patients, enough power to send the younger residence running scared the other way. But she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep it up, how much longer she could keep everyone out; people were starting to ask questions, people were beginning to work out what was going on.

A small crowd was beginning to form outside the room, they knew Izzie and Meredith were in there; their voices kept drifting under the door. Everyone was waiting to get a glimpse; they'd stopped so they could see the train wreck.

She watched the door handle began to turn. She saw Meredith first, and then Izzie, Izzie looked absolutely terrified and tears glistened from her cheeks. Meredith had her arm tightly around her and was leading her forward.

She took a step forward as if to speak to them and then stopped. She didn't have anything to say and it didn't look like they were up for small talk. Instead she gave Meredith a nod, and Meredith returned the gesture with a sad smile. There was an understanding between them, they were both doing what they had to do.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"I am going to lay down." Izzie said as soon as she walked in the front door of her house. The last few hours at the hospital had been emotionally draining and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep and dream about Alex again.

"You can't go to sleep Iz." Meredith said walking into the house behind her and closing the door. "It's too early to go to sleep."

Izzie wasn't expecting that response from Meredith, she didn't think this was something she'd argue with her about, all day she'd done everything Meredith had asked her to do and now she was exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep.

"I'm tired." She said and she kept walking to her bedroom. Behind her she could hear Meredith following.

"Izzie." She heard her call out to her but she kept walking. She walked all the way into her bedroom and closed the door. She sat down on the edge of the bed and took a few deep breaths. She could hear Meredith walking up the hallway; she'd be in the room with her in a few seconds. On the bedside table the half empty bottle of pills still sat, she grabbed them and slipped them into her bag just as Meredith walked into the room.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie," Meredith began as she sat down on the bed beside her. "You can't go to sleep just yet. It's still early and …" Meredith paused for a moment she knew what she wanted to say, she'd been thinking about it on the drive home but she wasn't sure how Izzie would react. "…I want you to come stay at my house."

She watched for Izzie's reaction, she didn't say anything straight away, instead she reached over for Alex's pillow and she clutched it to her chest. "I'd rather stay here." She said eventually in a voice slightly muffled by the pillow.

"I understand." It was the reaction Meredith was expecting, she didn't think Izzie would want to leave. "But Izzie, if you're staying here, I'm staying here too."

"You don't have to do that." Izzie didn't want Meredith staying at her house, she could still smell Alex's sent in the air and she was afraid if other people were there too much she would lose it. "I'm okay."

"Iz you're not okay," Meredith expected her to say that, "You keep saying you are but you're not, and that is okay, you don't have to be okay but you have to let us help."

"I just want to stay here by myself, I just want to go back to sleep." She lay down on her side and closed her eyes. "I promise I won't do anything bad again." The words came out of her mouth so quietly it sounded like a whisper, like she was already falling asleep.

"I want to believe you Iz but I can't." Meredith reached for Izzie's shoulder and tried to pull her back up. "Please Izzie sit back up." She didn't sit back up though she pulled the pillow closer to her chest. "Please Iz. You've been doing well today don't stop now." She placed her hand on Izzie's shoulder again and this time she sat back up.

Izzie turned her head to look straight at Meredith; her eyes were filling with tears again. "Please Meredith; I just want to go to sleep. This is so hard; you have no idea how hard this is. I am so exhausted; I just need to sleep again."

"I know this is hard for you. What you did today can't have been easy but Izzie I'm not leaving you here by yourself. I want you to come to my house. You can go to sleep as soon as we get there."

"I want to sleep here. I want to sleep in my bed." She pulled Alex's pillow to her face again.

"Okay. But if you're sleeping here I am too." Meredith stood up and walked around the bed. She walked around to Alex's side and sat down. She watched Izzie closely, she was hoping for a reaction and she got one.

"Meredith get off." Izzie said standing up. Her whole body had gone tense and it looked like she was shaking.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith was sitting on Alex's bed; she was sitting where Alex slept. Izzie stood staring at her, her body was shaking, she felt her heart racing, a stroke of fear ran through her.

"Meredith get off." She said again. But Meredith kept sitting there, staring back at her. She didn't want Meredith on his bed; she didn't want her there, not in her room not anymore. "Meredith please."

"Will you come with me to my house?"

This time the question wasn't so much a suggestion as an ultimatum and there was no way she was going to let Meredith sleep there.

"Okay." She agreed.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie lay awake on the bed in Meredith's spear room, her old room. She was trying to fall asleep but she couldn't, she was exhausted but she couldn't stop her mind from racing. She couldn't stop thinking about everything, about what had happened, what was going to happen next. She'd talked a lot today, first to Meredith and then reluctantly to the counsellor. She hadn't told the counsellor much, just enough to make them think she was okay, just enough so they would let her go home and not recommend she stay at the hospital. She hadn't told them about the pills, she'd mentioned that she was having problems sleeping but she hadn't mentioned how she'd been self medicating to treat the problem. They'd given her some other methods to try and sleep, some relaxation techniques, she been trying them, they weren't working.

Downstairs she could hear Meredith talking to someone she assumed was Cristina, she wasn't sure though, the voices were muffled. She couldn't hear the whole conversation just words every now and then. They were talking about her though, she'd heard her name. She didn't like that but she understood. She understood why Meredith needed to talk to someone about what had happened. What she'd done, she knew it wasn't the type of thing that could just be ignored, brushed under the rug, she was glad Meredith had done what she'd done, she was glad she hadn't taken her to the hospital but given the same situation Izzie didn't know if she'd have done the same thing, if she would have even thought to do that.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Cristina!" Meredith smiled when she opened the front door and saw her friend standing on the other side, a bottle of wine in hand. She wasn't expecting the visit but it was welcome. "What are doing here?"

"I knocked off early; I thought you might need a drink."

"I'm way a head of you there." Meredith took the bottle of wine from Cristina and started walking into the house.

Christina followed her into the kitchen; sitting on the table she noticed the open bottle of wine and the half empty glass on the table. "You've been drinking?"

"I cracked the bottle open a few minutes ago." She reached into the cupboard and pulled out another wine glass. She poured some wine into it and handed it to Cristina. Then she sat down at the table and let out a long slow breath, she closed her eyes and brought her glass to her mouth and took a sip.

"Meredith, are you okay?"

"Yeah," She opened her eyes and smiled at Cristina. "It's just been a rough day. Izzie's been…" Her voice trailed off, she couldn't find the words to describe what it had been like. "I made her clean out Alex's cubby, and I made her talk to the hospital grief counsellor. She didn't want to do it but I made her do it."

"That was good."

Meredith shrugged and they both took a long sip of their drinks.

"I can't stop worrying about her." Meredith began again. "She…she tried to kill herself, and I'm so afraid she's going to try it again. She says she won't, she says she wasn't trying to kill herself, she just wanted to sleep but I don't believe her."

"Mere," Cristina went to say something but she stopped, she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to handle what was happening, until now she'd been intentionally avoiding it. "You're doing everything you can."

"I'm just worried it's not enough." She picked up her glass and finished what was left of her drink, then reached for the bottle and poured herself another one. She filled Cristina's glass up as well and took a long sip from her own.

"Mere, where is Izzie?" Cristina asked after a while, they seemed to be the only ones in the house but the way Meredith had been talking she didn't think she'd have let her stay at home by herself.

Meredith looked up at the doorway. "Upstairs," she sighed "sleeping." She took another sip and kept shearing her thoughts, "I made her come here with me. She didn't want to, she wanted to sleep in her own bed but I said I'd stay there too, she didn't want that more."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie sat up on the bed and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, she couldn't sleep not without medication and she'd promised Meredith she wouldn't take any, not that Meredith would know if she took any, not if she only took a little, still she wouldn't do that, not yet, it was too early to do that.

She stood up and started walking down stairs. In the kitchen she could hear Meredith and Cristina talking. She stopped on the other side of the doorway and listened.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" She heard Christina ask.

There was a long pause before she heard Meredith answer. "I was thinking of getting her to come to work with me. I think it might help, it's got to be better than staying here all day."

"That's a good idea. She's not going to want to come though is she?"

"No, she doesn't want to do anything." There was a pause before Meredith kept talking. "Am I asking too much too soon from her? Should I just let her do nothing for a bit longer?"

"I don't know, we're not psychs we don't really know how to handle this. I guess you just have to do what you think is right."

"Nothing feels right, I feel like I keep pushing her forward, when she doesn't need to be pushed. I want to take care of her, I don't want to keep making her do things she doesn't want to do but I can't leave her here on her own. I don't trust her to be okay when I get back."

Izzie gulped, this wasn't a conversation she was meant to be hearing. She didn't know that was how Meredith really felt, she hadn't realised how hard she was making things on her friends. She blinked back a few tears, and told herself she'd try to do better, she'd try to move forward on her own. She sucked in a deep breath to steady herself and stepped into the kitchen.

"Izzie." Cristina said when she stepped into the doorway.

"Hi, Cristina." She tried to smile.

Meredith turned around and smiled at her. "Did you sleep well?"

"I couldn't sleep." She walked all the way into the kitchen and sat down at the table; she reached for the bottle of wine and took a long sip directly from it. She was trying to relax herself; she was going to move forward on her own. She put the bottle down and turned to Meredith. "Are you going down to the hospital tomorrow?" She asked she was going to make it seem like this was her idea, so Meredith wouldn't feel like she was pushing her.

"Probably." Meredith replied, she didn't want to commit herself to anything she didn't want to get stuck.

"Do you think I could come with you? I don't know if I'm ready to work yet but I think I want to try. I need to keep moving forward." Izzie felt herself on the verge of tears, moving forward wasn't easy even when it was 'her' idea.

"We can do that." Meredith smiled at her. "Maybe you can shadow me or something for the first few days, see how you feel."

"Yeah maybe." Izzie smiled at her and then reached for the bottle, she put it to her mouth and began sucking the liquid down. She felt Meredith place a hand on her shoulder.

"This is a good step."

"Yeah, whatever." If Meredith knew exactly what was going though her head she might not be saying that. She wasn't feeling any better she was just merely trying to cope.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: This is just a short update to tide things over until i get something more substantial together. I hope people are still reading this and thanks to everyone who has been leaving reviews.**

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Izzie sat on the edge of Meredith's spear bed, down the hall she could hear the rhythmic sound of Meredith's snoring. The sound had never bothered her before, she grew up on the side of a highway she could sleep through anything, the problem was she couldn't sleep period. She couldn't get her mind to shut down long enough for sleep to come, the events of the last few weeks kept running through her head. Her wedding day, the honeymoon, they had been the happiest days of her life, she tried to hold onto those thoughts but it always came back to the accident and the moment her life as she knew it was changed forever. She kept playing through her mind everything she'd done since then. She'd done things she never thought she would do, bad things that even as she was doing them she knew were wrong but she kept doing them because on some level she though it might help.

She bent down and retrieved her bag from the floor. She wrapped her hand around the bottle of sleeping pills and pulled them out. They were one of those bad things. She knew she shouldn't be taking them, she'd promised Meredith she wouldn't take them but she needed sleep. Tomorrow was going to be hell and there was no way she could do it without sleep, even with sleep it was going to be difficult. She tipped two pills on to her hand and sealed the bottle again. She wouldn't take more than two, as much as she wanted to she wouldn't. She'd already scared her friends half to death once; she wouldn't put them through that again. She swallowed the pills without water and lay down, then she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come.

-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie," Meredith called as she knocked on the bedroom door. It was getting late in the morning, if they were going to head to the hospital they needed to get going soon. "Izzie, are you awake?" She opened the door and stepped inside. On the bed she could see Izzie's figure curled up in a ball under the covers, her back was to her but she could see her face was buried into Alex's pillow. "Izzie," she spoke again as she stepped further into the room. "Are you awake?" Izzie hadn't moved though and as Meredith stepped even further into the room she saw the yellow bottle laying in Izzie's open bag.

The sight of the bottle made her freeze for a moment then she stopped moving cautiously into the room. She moved as fast as she could the final steps to Izzie's bed then grabbed her shoulder and shook her. "Izzie wake up!" In the five seconds it took for Izzie to react Meredith felt her heart rate increase, she felt her insides twist into a knot and she felt ill. She was meant to be looking after Izzie, she was meant to be making sure this didn't happen again.

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie pulled Alex's pillow against her face and tried savour his sent. She could hear Meredith walking into the room and it would only be a matter of minutes before she made her get up. She didn't want to get up, she liked being in the bed, it was warm and safe.

"Izzie wake up!" She hadn't been expecting that, the forcefulness of Meredith's shake or the urgency in her voice.

"I'm awake," She moaned, slowly rolling over in the bed.

-8-8-8-8-

Those two words and Izzie's slow movement, allowed Meredith to relax for just a moment, she hadn't overdosed on the medication again but that still didn't explain why it was there in the first place.

"Izzie what is this?" She asked holding the bottle of pills up.

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie recognized the small bottle Meredith held, it was the bottle of sleeping pills she'd taken the night before. The bottle of pills Meredith wasn't supposed to know she had.

"A bottle of pills." She didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to explain herself.

"I know that, but what are they doing here?" The tone of Meredith's voice was one of concern but there was something else to it.

"I brought them here in case I needed them."

"In case you needed them?" Meredith sat down on the edge of the bed and let out a sigh. "You don't need these Iz, these are bad for you, they're not going to help."

"What would you know?" She reached for the bottle and yanked it out of Meredith's hand. "I can't sleep, every time I close my eyes I see him, I see everything and it just keeps going over and over inside my head. My mind won't let me sleep, it won't let me go to a happy place. I need them, so I can sleep, so I can escape."

"Iz," Meredith reached for the bottle and gently pulled it from her hands."Why didn't you tell me this? I would have helped, there are other things you can use besides medication to help you sleep."

"I know, I tried them," That wasn't a total lie, she had tried them, but not really long enough for it to work. "this is just easier."

"Izzie," The way she said her name said so much, concern, pity, worry, and fear all came across with that one word. "I don't want you taking these anymore. In the long run they're only going to make things worse." Meredith stood up before Izzie had a chance to stop her. "I'm going to get rid of these, okay?"

"No, Meredith." Izzie clambered off the bed and ran after her. She saw her walk into the bathroom and then she heard the sound of the toilet flushing. Meredith had flushed the pills and she immediately felt her chest tighten, she felt angry and hurt. "I need them." She said barely hiding the quiver from her voice.

Meredith turned around and smiled at her. "You don't need them Iz. We'll find something else to help you sleep." She walked towards her with her arms held out, she was offering her a hug but shee didn't want to be hugged. Instead she walked out the bathroom and back towards the bedroom. She was trying to compose herself, trying to work out what to do. She needed them, even if she wasn't going to take them she needed to have them there, she needed to know they were there just in case. In the bedroom she pulled a change of clothes from her bag.

"Izzie." Meredith had followed her into the bedroom and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Please don't be mad. This is for the best."

"Whatever." She pushed Meredith's hand away and scooped up the clothes. "I'm going to have a shower and then we're going down to the hospital."

She walked back to the bathroom and closed the door. She made sure it was locked and then she started to cry. She didn't want to go down to the hospital, she'd suggested it the night before because she thought it was what Meredith wanted, because she thought it was the right thing to do. She didn't want to do it though and now she had no choice she had to go to the hospital.


	34. Chapter 34

Izzie sat herself down in the passenger seat of Meredith's car and took a deep breath. She could feel a panic attack coming and she was trying to stop it. She kept telling herself this was her idea, she was the one who suggested she go to work, but she never would have suggested it if she hadn't heard Meredith talking to Cristina about it. It wasn't really her idea, she didn't really want to do it, but she had to now. She had to get back to the hospital, she needed to go to the hospital.

"Izzie are you okay?" Meredith had slipped into the drivers seat and immediately noticed the anxiety written all over her face.

"Yeah." It was the only response she could form, any more words and she probably would have cracked. "Can we just go?"

Like a bandaid she thought, just rip it off, just do it, maybe once she was there it would be better. Maybe the anticipation hurt more than the actual act. Or maybe she was just kidding herself, maybe this was all just some big front, and soon the wall around her would crumble and she would break down.

-8-8-8-8-8-

This is Izzie's idea. Meredith told herself as she backed her car out the driveway. In the passenger seat beside her, Izzie sat looking absolutely terrified. She was breathing heavily and her skin was pale. This is Izzie's idea. If it had been her idea she probably would have stopped, called it off, done it tomorrow but it wasn't her idea it was Izzie's. She'd asked her twice already if she was ready for this, if she wanted to wait a few more days, but she kept saying she was ready, she was fine, she wanted to go. She didn't look any of those things though and as Meredith pulled the car into the hospital car park she had to ask one more time.

"Izzie are you okay? Are you sure you want to do this?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

"I'm okay."

That was the biggest lie she'd told all day, she wasn't okay, and she didn't want to do this but she didn't have a choice. She needed to go back to work not only so she could keep moving forward, which was the whole reason she suggested the idea in the first place but because she needed to acquire something. Meredith thought she was doing her a favour by flushing the pills down the toilet but it had only made her anxiety worse, she liked knowing she had them there and now they were gone.

"Izzie are you sure? We can still go home, maybe wait a few more days."

-8-8-8-8-8-

When Izzie had suggested the night before that they go down to the hospital Meredith had thought it was a great idea, it was a good step in Izzie's recovery but now she wasn't so sure. Working at the hospital and going there were two completely different things and Izzie's didn't look like she was ready to work. She looked like she was ready to pass out; she looked like she should be a patient not a treating doctor.

"I have to do this Mere."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie stepped out of the car and began walking towards the hospital entrance. Behind her she could here Meredith climb out her side of the car and run after her. She didn't slow down to wait for her she kept walking.

Under her breath she kept whispering, "don't slow down, just keep walking, just do it, you can do this." It was her way of trying to calm herself, make her feel less scared than she obviously was. She felt Meredith come up beside her, she reached out and took her hand, she squeezed it tight and walked into the hospital.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith held tightly onto Izzie's hand as they stepped inside the hospital. She was expecting her to pause but she didn't, she made a beeline straight for the residence lounge and it wasn't until they were inside the room that she stopped moving.

Izzie let go of her hand and stood in the centre of the room. She took two deep breaths and then ran to the toilet. She heard her vomit, once, twice, then she ran after her.

"Izzie," She soothed, crouching down behind her and pulling her hair from her face.

"I'm okay." The two words came out of her mouth for the umpteenth time that day. She stood up and walked over to one of the benches, sat down and took another deep breath. "It's just the smell of this place, it keeps getting to me, making me feel ill."

"I see." The answer wasn't totally unexpected, to the unsuspecting person the smell could be over powering. "Are you ready?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie took a deep breath before answering the question, she wanted to make it seem like she was really answering the question and not just sprouting answers, saying what Meredith wanted to hear. She wasn't ready but that didn't really mean anything anymore, she had no choice but to be ready, to push through, keep moving.

"I'm ready." She answered, the words shook a little in her mouth but they came across convincingly enough.


	35. Chapter 35

Work was every bit as painful, and difficult as Izzie imagined. She kept looking around expecting to see Alex standing somewhere watching but of course he was never there. That was hard, it was the moments like that which made her heart ache, but work itself helped. She found that once she started working the routine was almost comforting.

She worked down in the pit, Meredith had thought it was a good place to start, they could pick and choose their cases a little, take some of the easier ones. It was a good idea, mentally she really wasn't ready for anything more than suturing, she wasn't ready to be responsible for other people's lives, or deliver bad news to other families.

She had the all clear from her doctor to suture as long as it didn't hurt, she made sure it didn't hurt but it slowed things down a lot. She stitched up half a dozen people without any problems, her hand ached a little but it wasn't an unexpected pain and it wasn't so bad.

Just before lunch time a man walked in with a massive gash running across his hand. She sat the man on the edge of one of the beds and began the routine she'd become accustomed to. She gave the man a local anaesthetic and began stitching. The cut was deep though and required a lot of stiches. After a few minutes the man got talking.

"Is this like the craziest thing you've ever seen?" he asked.

"No," Izzie said without looking up.

"Oh." The man sounded disappointed. "You want to hear how it happened?"

"Not really." She'd always had a good bedside manner, it was one of her best skills but she didn't have the energy for it.

"Oh, well I'm going to tell you anyways." Izzie shrugged and kept working, and the man kept talking. "It's silly really. I wanted to surprise my wife by cooking up a really great dinner, it's our sixth wedding anniversary today and I'd been acting like I didn't remember. I told her I was going golfing." He paused long enough to laugh at his own plan, and Izzie pulled tight on the stiches. "The idea was when she came home from work there would be this beautiful dinner. So much for a beautiful dinner." He laughed again. "You don't say much do you?"

"No," Izzie replied. She usually talked to her patients but this man was starting to get to her, his voice, his story. He kept talking about his wife, about how much he loved her, about his plan, it really was a good plan, kind of. It got her thinking about Alex though, and what he might have done, and then she started crying. At first the tears were sparse, she wiped them away with her arm and kept working but he kept talking and the tears got heavier.

"Are you okay?" She found the man asking her.

"Yes." She said but she wasn't and that one break in concentration was all it took for her to lose control. "I'm sorry." She said standing up and running to the nearest hiding place.

She ran into a supply closet and shut the door. She leant back against it and closed her eyes. She let out a long slow breath and slid down the door. Once on the floor she allowed herself to completely lose it. She let the mask she'd been wearing fall and crumble and she began sobbing.


	36. Chapter 36

_Izzie ran into a supply closet and shut the door. She leant back against it and closed her eyes. She let out a long slow breath and slid down the door. Once on the floor she allowed herself to completely lose it. She let the mask she'd been wearing fall and crumble and she began sobbing._

She cried until her chest ached, until she couldn't breath and she started hyperventilating, she cried until she forgot why exactly she was crying, until she felt numb and empty. Eventually the tears dried up, she couldn't cry anymore she didn't have the energy for it. She stayed in the room for a while longer, she liked the darkness, it had a calming effect on her. But it also brought back a lot of memories. It hadn't been this supply closet but it had been a supply closet where her and Alex and first truly connected, where he calmed her and told her everything would be alright.

Just thinking of that day now made her laugh, she could laugh about it now, everything turned out to be okay but at the time it had been so intense, so scary. Alex had been there to help her, hold her, now he was the one who was gone.

"Alex where are you?" She whispered to herself. She needed him, she needed him to hold her and tell her everything would be alright but he wasn't there and that was the problem, everything wasn't alright, and it wouldn't be. She closed her eyes again and tried to picture his face, she tried to picture him beside her telling her it was okay. It took a minute but eventually she had hold of him, she let a smile spread across her face as she wrapped her arms around herself. He was with her, he was holding her. She let herself get lost in the moment so much it almost felt real, but it wasn't and the moment was broken by someone knocking on the door.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie," Meredith whispered as she pushed open the supply closest door. Someone had paged her a few minutes earlier and told her Izzie was in there. They'd said she'd been in there for over half an hour, and they'd heard her crying but it had been quiet for the last ten minutes. They said they'd hoped she'd come out on her own but she hadn't so they thought they should do something. She was their something, calling her down to take care of things was their idea of doing something. "Izzie," She whispered again as she slipped inside the room and closed the door behind her.

She could just make Izzie out on the floor, she was sitting in the corner with her back pushed up against the wall and her knees pulled to her chest. Izzie looked up at her for a moment, on her cheeks she could see the glistening of tear then she buried her face back into her knees. "Izzie," She began as she sat down on the ground beside her. She was getting good at dealing with Izzie but this kind of thing still made her nervous. "What happened?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie looked up at Meredith again, she looked worried, she wasn't supposed to be worried, she was supposed to be…she wasn't sure what she was supposed to be but she wasn't meant to be making her friends worried anymore. "Nothing happened." She began, the words coming out of her mouth barely louder than a whisper. "It was just this patient, he kept talking and it got me thinking about Alex and…" Her voice trailed off for a moment and she felt Meredith wrap an arm around her, "I started crying and I couldn't stop. I tried to but I couldn't." She blinked her eyes, she could feel the tears coming again.

"It's okay." She heard Meredith telling her. "You're allowed to cry."

"I know." She sighed as she wiped the now falling tears from her eyes. "I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish this was easier."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith pulled Izzie tighter to her side and tried to smile at her, she could see and feel her friend was hurting. "This isn't meant to be easy." She tried to comfort. "If this was easy it wouldn't be…" Her voice trailed off as she ran out of words. They sat there in silence for a while, she was trying to think what to say next. "You're doing well." She said, finally deciding encouragement was the best option. "You're trying, you're trying to keep moving."

"Thanks," Izzie tried to smile as she wiped more tears from her eyes. She began letting out a long slow breath, she seemed to be trying to compose herself. She didn't say anything else though, for a while they sat in total silence, the only sounds were that of the hospital moving around them.

"Izzie," Meredith began after a while. "What do you want to do? Do you want me to take you home?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

"No." Going home wasn't what Izzie wanted. Going home would be like going backwards and she didn't want to do that. She had to keep moving forward. "I want to say."

"Okay." Meredith wasn't sure what to do now. Going home would have been the easy end to the situation. "Do you want to stay down here in the pit? Or do you want to go around with me for a while?"

"I don't know." Izzie, let out another slow breath as she tried to work out what she wanted. The pit had its comforts, she could choose her work, stick to the safe things, the repetitive things, but there she was alone. "Can I stay with you?" She finally said, deciding that being with someone was what she needed most right now.

"Of course." Meredith smiled at her and she began standing up. She held out her hand to help her up. "We should get back to work. There are patients I need to check on."


	37. Chapter 37

**Thanks you everyone who is reading the story and leaving comments. I'm trying to move the story along a little faster at the moment so there's a little bit of time jumping during this part.**

* * *

All afternoon Izzie stuck to Meredith's side, everywhere she went she could feel her presence she could feel her energy, or lack of, she could feel her struggling to hold herself together.

She wouldn't say it out loud but it reminded her of when Denny had died only this was ten times worse. This time Izzie wasn't shadowing her because she was told to, because she was forced to, she was shadowing her because she 'had' to. She wasn't capable of doing anything else, she couldn't do anything else but she couldn't stay home, at home she was slowly killing herself.

-8-8-8-8-

Shadowing, that's what Izzie did. All afternoon she stuck to Meredith's side. It wasn't something she wanted to do, she still wanted to go back to sleep but she knew that wasn't an option. Shadowing was easier than the alternatives. As a shadow she didn't have to talk, she didn't have to interact with any of the patients. She found if she kept her mouth shut the tears didn't come. It was hard though and by the time the first day ended she was mentally and physically exhausted.

"Are you ready to go home?" She heard Meredith ask her.

Ready? She was beginning to hate that word. She was always being asked if she was ready. "Stop asked me if I'm ready." The reply came out of her mouth short and sharp. She hadn't meant to do it, she hadn't meant to snap at Meredith but she was tired and she'd been ready to go home for hours. "I'm sorry." She apologized. "I'm just really tired. I've been ready to go home for hours."

"Why didn't you say something?" Meredith looked at her with concern.

She turned away and picked up her bag. "You had patients to look after."

"I could have given them to someone else."

"No you couldn't, they were your patients, your responsibility." She wouldn't look at Meredith, she didn't want to see the look on her face. "Please can we just go."

-8-8-8-8-

She sat quietly in the car as Meredith drove her home, Meredith's home, not her home, Meredith didn't trust her enough to leave her at her home. She walked in the front door and went straight up the stairs. She heard Meredith ask her if she was hungry, she paused long enough to say no and kept walking.

She walked into 'her' bedroom and closed the door. She sat on the edge of the bed, closed her eyes. She was so tired. She began changing into some pyjamas and crawled into bed. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. The minutes ticked by very slowly. She was exhausted but like always she couldn't sleep and after an hour she reached again for the sleeping pills.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith watched Izzie walk up the stairs but she didn't follow her. She wasn't going to do that tonight, she wasn't going to nurse her tonight, she didn't need it. Working had been hard on Izzie, she knew that, sleep would be a good thing for her, and some time apart would be good for both of them, tomorrow they were going to have to get up and do it all over again.

-8-8-8-8-

Waiting for Izzie to come back was difficult for everyone. She was in counselling, it seemed to help a little but they often wondered if she would ever truly come back. They didn't tell that to her though, when they talked to her they were encouraging, when she asked if it would ever stop hurting they told her with time it would get easier. When they were alone though, when it was just Meredith with Christina or George, and even Derek, the conversation sounded very different. They were worried, scared and without answers, they didn't know if what they were doing was right, if it was helping or if they would ever get their friend back.

-8-8-8-8-

Every day for the next two weeks Meredith led Izzie through almost the same routine. In the morning they would drive to the hospital, change into their scrubs and go to work. Most days Izzie would shadow her but some days, when she had a big case or a long surgery she would shadow someone else. It was easier that way, Izzie wasn't allowed in the OR, she couldn't operate with a bad arm, and she wasn't mentally ready for that responsibility, all she would do in there was take up much needed space. She wouldn't work on her own though, she said she wasn't ready and she was probably right; she couldn't get through an entire shift without crying. The crying was random and unpredictable, there didn't seem to be a specific thing that would set her off but whenever it started she would always run off and hide, leaving whoever she was shadowing to try and explain to their patient, just because their doctor had run off crying it didn't mean they were dying.

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie sat down on a stool in the pit and carefully began suturing a cut on her patient's leg. Today was exactly four weeks since Alex had died. She was trying not to think about that, she didn't want to cry, not when she was by herself, Meredith had left her alone while she'd gone to check on a patient, that was thirty minutes ago though. The only good thing was her patient was sedated; he wouldn't try to talk to her.

She concentrated on her work and kept her head down but she could feel the energy around her changing. The air started to become electric which only happened when there was a big trauma coming in.

"Get every available OB down here now." She heard someone yell. "A car has crashed into a Lamaze class."

Izzie put her head down and kept working but she could feel her heart rate increasing, adrenalin was starting to pump through her body, this was her area, her expertise, this type of thing used to excite her. She tried to push those feelings inside of her, she wasn't ready, she couldn't help.

"Stevens! Get over here now!"

She heard someone call out her name, she turned around and saw Dr Montgomery standing in the trauma bay at the other end of the room with two heavily pregnant women.

"Stevens now!"

She stood up and ran to the other end of the room. She was scared but her brain was working very hard to make her forget that. She reached the patients and listened as Dr Montgomery told her what was happening, both women were in pre-term labour and her job was simple, stop the contractions, stop the labour, and in case it came down to it prepare the babies for birth.

She didn't stop to allow what she was doing to process fully. She just worked, she did what she'd been trained to do and after an hour both women and babies were stable. She sat down in a chair and took a deep breath, her heart was still racing but she felt the best she'd felt since Alex died.

"You did good today Stevens."

She looked up and saw Dr Montgomery sitting down beside her.

"I've missed you on my service. Do you think you're ready to come back? I have a lot more to teach you."

She rested her head in her hands and thought about what Dr Montgomery was asking her. She thought about the way she felt right at that moment. "Okay." She said, realizing this was what she really needed. "What would you like me to do?"


	38. Chapter 38

Looking after those two women was the shove Izzie needed to get back to truly working. It made her realize what could make her feel good or at least better and it made her realize she still had it in her. She found she enjoyed the work and if she worked hard enough she could forget about everything else. Well not forget, she would never forget but she could push it down far enough to forget how much she was hurting.

She worked with Montgomery for two weeks before she was given her first bad case. She was responsible for running the treatment on a preemie who was too small and too damaged to be saved. She worked on him for hours, she did everything she could but there wasn't anything that would save him. It was horrible, she held herself together while she told the parents but she fell apart when she was on her own.

Montgomery came and picked her up. She told her she'd done everything right and nothing she could have done would have changed the outcome. She already knew that though, that wasn't why she was crying. She was crying because the pain on the parents faces reminded her too much of the pain she was burying. That was a bad day but she was having a lot more good days between the bad.

The more she worked the better she felt, the challenging cases gave her an adrenalin rush and the easier cases boosted her confidence. She fell in love with medicine all over again and she worked as hard and as long as she could.

She rarely left the hospital, instead she'd rest in the on-call rooms and residence lounges. She never slept, no matter how tired she was as soon as her head hit the bed she was wide wake, when that happened she would just lay there and wait for her pager to go off. It always did, there was always some emergency or patient that needed to be attended to and then the adrenalin would kick in.

She only left when she was forced to, when someone would realize it had been two or three days since she'd left and tell her superiors. It was always Dr Montgomery who would tell her to go home, she'd tell her to leave and not come back for at least eight hours. The first time that happened she tried to tell her she was fine, that she didn't need to go home. Her pager number got black listed and after three hours of laying down staring at the ceiling she'd reluctantly left.

Now when she was told to leave she'd just leave. She'd catch a taxi back to her home and let fatigue over run her during the ride. She'd be so close to sleep when she reached home, she'd beeline for the bedroom, and crawl into bed. Before she'd lay down though she'd reach for the sleeping pills, in the past few weeks she'd acquired several bottles of them, she had them hidden all over the house, she needed them there, she needed to make sure she slept and didn't lay awake for hours. She didn't want to lay awake for hours at home. When she did that her mind started playing games with her, if she let it go too far she'd end up in a ball of tears, she'd cry until her whole body ached, and she was trying to stop that. She didn't want to cry anymore, she'd somehow got it into her head that Alex wouldn't want her to keep crying. In that situation it was much easier to give herself a drug induced sleep, at least then she would sleep. But she didn't like sleeping so much anymore, she hadn't stopped dreaming about Alex but he was no longer in her dreams, instead she found herself searching endlessly for him.

-8-8-8-8-

"Stevens you need to leave." The words came out of Montgomery's mouth with a gentle understanding but a tone that meant she was serious. "You're tired and mistakes can happen when you're tired."

She wanted to argue with her, tell her she was fine but she knew she wasn't really; she was too tired to argue. "Okay," she simply said walking away.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith sat down in the residence lounge and waited for Izzie. She knew she was coming, she'd just over heard Montgomery telling her to go home. It had been a couple of weeks since she'd had a good conversation with her. Since Izzie had gotten back into the swing of things at work she'd all but blocked everything else out, she was always running off somewhere and the words they'd spoken to each other were few and far between. It was a good thing, over working was probably slightly better than constant sleeping but it still wasn't great, the balance still wasn't right.

The doors to the room pushed open and Izzie came walking inside. She didn't seem to see Meredith; she just went straight to her cubby and started pulling things out.

-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie."' The sound of her name made her jump she hadn't realised anyone else was in the room. She turned around and saw Meredith sitting in a chair behind her. "Are you going home?"

"Yeah" she sighed closing her bag and slipping it over her shoulder.

"Do you want to have a drink with us at Joe's?"

Joe's? The last time she'd been there was with Alex, they'd had drinks and played darts there a few days before the wedding. It had been a fun night, she always had fun at Joe's but she hadn't wanted to go there since. It didn't seem right going there without Alex.

"George and Christina are already over there. I'd really like you to come too."

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith watched Izzie fidget uncomfortably on the spot. She could see there was a part of her that wanted to go and anther part that was too scared or too uncomfortable to go.

"You don't have to stay long." She suggested trying to give her that extra push she needed. "Just come over for a bit." She stood up and walked over her, she placed a hand on her shoulder. "Please." She smiled and waited for Izzie cave.

"Okay, just for a little bit."

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie tried to pull her coat tighter around her body as she followed Meredith across the road to Joe's. She wasn't cold, it was a warm evening but she needed to feel something tight around her. She didn't really want to go to Joe's, now that she wasn't working she was starting to feel very tired. But she could tell Meredith wanted her to go and another part of her thought she might enjoy herself.

Meredith pushed the door open in front of her and she immediately smelt the familiar sent of stale alcohol. She wasn't expecting it to affect her but the smell; just like that of the hospital when she first went back made her stomach turn. Meredith looked back at her and smiled. She tired to smile back but she couldn't.

"Izzie are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm –" She was going to say fine but she wasn't fine. Instead she placed a hand over her mouth and started running to the restroom.

She pushed open the first door and slammed into the stall. She lent over the toilet and started vomiting.

"Izzie are you okay?" She heard Meredith ask from somewhere behind her.

"Yeah, I'm okay." She said wiping her mouth with a piece of paper. "I think I ate something bad for lunch."

"Oh, okay," Meredith seemed to take her answer for what it was and held out a hand to help her up. She climbed to her feet and walked over to the basin. She rested her hands on either side of it and looked at herself in the mirror. She had dark rings circling her eyes but she looked okay. "Come on," she heard Meredith say to her, "You don't want to stay in here all night."

She took one last look at herself and slowly let go of the basin. She began walking out the restroom and heard the shuffle of Meredith's feet behind her.

"I'm glad you came tonight." She heard Meredith say from just behind her. "Joe said he'd shout us a round of drinks if I got you to come."

"Really?" She almost wanted to laugh. "Is that why you…" The words trailed off in her mouth as she planted her hand hard against the wall. She was starting to feel sick again and very dizzy.

"Mere I –" She started saying but she never finished the sentence instead her legs gave way beneath her and she fainted.

-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie? Oh shit!" Meredith reacted just in time to catch her before she hit the ground. She held her in her arms and tried to work out what she was supposed to do next, she didn't really want to lay her down on the floor of the bar.

"Meredith what's going on?" Cristina had heard her cry from the bar and wondered over to see what had happened.

"Cristina thank you." Meredith exclaimed looking up at her. "She's fainted; help me get her over to one of the booths."

Together they helped Izzie over to the closest booth. She was already starting to come to and seemed rather disorientated. They sat her down on the seat and had her lean forward with her head in her hands.

"Izzie," Meredith said resting her hand firmly on her shoulder to stop her falling forward. "You've just fainted. How are you feeling?"

-8-8-8-8-

"Like I just fainted." She said looking up for a moment. The small movement was all it took for her head to start spinning again. She moaned and rested her head back in her hands.

"Here Izzie take these." She heard someone say and a chocolate bar and a glass of lemonade were pushed into her hands. She took the bar and bit into it, it quickly started making her feel better. "Thanks," she said looking up again. Joe and George were now standing in front of her.

"No problem." Joe smiled at her and let out a little chuckle. "When I asked Meredith to get you down here tonight this wasn't quite what I had in mind."

"I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry. Just go home and get some rest, come back when you're feeling better."

"Thanks." She let out a small smile and slipped the rest of the chocolate bar into her mouth.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith watched as the colour slowly returned to Izzie's face. She seemed okay now but she couldn't help being a little concerned. She'd heard people saying things around the hospital which she'd thought weren't true but now she wasn't so sure.

"Izzie, was this the first time today you've been sick?" She asked.

"No" Izzie replied looking up at her. "I was sick this morning."

"What about this week. Have you been sick other days this week?"

-8-8-8-8-

"Yes," She looked Meredith in the eye and watched her face. She seemed to be turning something over inside her head, trying to process something. She didn't like the look of it. "I think I might be developing an intolerance to something." She said offering her own explanation for her inability to keep anything down. "I feel fine, I'm just vomiting a bit."

"A bit?" Meredith looked at her like she was crazy. "You've been vomiting so much you fainted."

"I'm okay now though really." She didn't like the way this conversation was going. This was meant to be a fun evening but she was wishing now she'd just gone home. If she'd gone home she'd be asleep now dreaming of empty spaces and searching endlessly for Alex. As much as she hated those dreams this was making her feel very uncomfortable.

"I don't think you are." Meredith said to her. "Come back to the hospital with me and let me run a blood test."

"I don't need a blood test. I feel fine." She didn't want to go back to the hospital now. "I just want to go home."

"I'll take you home after I promise. Just let me run one test." Meredith knelt down on the ground beside her and gave her a sad smiled.

"It's probably a good idea Iz," George spoke to her for the first time that evening. "I'm sure everything is fine but it's better to be sure."

"Okay." She didn't want to go but it would be easier than arguing with them, she still needed one of them to drive her home at the end of the night.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith and George walked Izzie across the road to the hospital. Cristina had opted to stay at the bar, she was on Izzie's side for once and agreed what ever test Meredith wanted to run was unnecessary. Izzie seemed to be okay now, the colour had returned to her face and she was moving easily.

"You really don't need to do this." she told them both as they walked into one of the lounges. "I'm really okay now."

"I don't care, I'm still doing this." Meredith waited for her to sit down in one of the arm chairs and pull her sleave up.

It didn't take long for her to draw the blood, "I'll be back soon." She told her as she slipped the blood sample into a bag and walked out of the room. Izzie sat there for a moment and watched the door close. George was still in the room with her, he smiled at her but he looked a little uncomfortable.

"Why don't you go with her?" She suggested "Try and find out what she's up to. I'm going to try and get some sleep." She closed her eyes and waited for the sound of the door opening and closing.

-8-8-8-8-

Meredith was just hopping onto the elevator when George caught up to her.

"Meredith what are you testing her for?"

She handed him the request form without actually saying what the test was. He looked at what she'd filled out and gulped. "Are you serious Meredith? You think she might –"

"I don't know. But I had a dream about it the other night and now I can't get it out of my head."

"Izzie doesn't know you're doing this dose she?"

"No and I want to keep it that way. I don't want her to get the idea in her head until we know that is what's going on."

The explanation seemed to make sense. They were all acutely aware of how fragile Izzie still was. She was doing a lot better but something like this could really mess with her. It was better for her to be kept in the dark until there was something to tell.

They reached the labs and handed the specimen to the technician. They told him they needed a rush on the results and they were going to wait there for them. The test didn't take long for them to do and about half an hour later they were handed the results.

Meredith looked at them first and gulped. What she had been suspecting was true. She handed the results to George and waited for his reaction. He swore quietly under his breath and handed the results back.

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie lay back in the recliner with her eyes closed. She wasn't sleeping she was miming surgeries. It had been eight weeks since she'd set foot in an OR and she was itching to get back. One more week she'd been told by her doctor last time she was there, that one week was almost up and she was trying to see if she still remembered how to do everything.

She heard the door open and she sat up. Meredith and George were back. "Did you find anything?" she asked before they even had a chance to sit down. She was expecting them to say no, she didn't think there was anything to find but they didn't say anything. Instead they sat down on the coffee table in front of her.

"Izzie," Meredith began. "We found something. You're pregnant."


	39. Chapter 39

"What," The single word was all Izzie could form. She'd heard Meredith but she couldn't believe her, it couldn't be true, she couldn't be pregnant. Slowly she reached for the sheet of paper Meredith held, she pulled it from her hands and started at the results. There was no mistaking what they said, her HCG levels were up, she was pregnant.

"Oh my god" she whispered under her breath. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel. A flood of emotions were running through her body, she thought she was meant to be excited and somewhere a part of her was, a part of Alex was still alive inside of her but all she felt was ill. "Oh my god." She whispered again and then for the second time that evening she was running to the toilet to vomit.

"Izzie," She heard Meredith say from behind her. "It's going to be okay."

"No." She stood up and walked over to the door. They had no idea what was going though her head. "Please take me home."

"Izzie –"

"No Meredith please just take me home."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie was freaking out, Meredith could see it in her eyes she looked scared and sick. On the drive back to her home she didn't talk, she stared out the window and seemed to be shaking a little.

"Izzie are you okay?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

She heard the question but she didn't answer it. She was trying to turn everything over in her head, work out what she was supposed to do, how she was supposed to feel. She thought she was supposed to be happy but she wasn't happy, she was terrified. She couldn't get out of her head everything she'd been doing for the last eight weeks, all the pills she'd been taking, all the hours she'd been working. She'd been doing it to make her forget, forget how much she missed Alex, wanted Alex, when all that time she'd had a part of him inside of her. He'd been with her all this time and she'd been slowly killing him all over again.

When Meredith pulled the car into the driveway she waited only long enough for the car to stop moving before she stepped out. She went straight through her front door and into the house. She still wasn't sure what to do but there was one thing she knew she had to do. She went first to her bedroom and pulled the bottles of pills from her bottom and top draws, then she went to the kitchen and pulled the bottle out from there, she picked up her hand bag and pulled the bottle out from there and lastly she went to the bathroom and pulled out the two bottles she'd hidden there.

She walked to the toilet and started pulling the lids off the bottles. One by one she tipped the contents into the bowl.

"Izzie what are you doing?" Meredith had followed her into the house and now stood in the doorway watching her.

"I have to get rid of them," She said emptying another bottle. "I can't keep taking them."

"Izzie," Meredith stepped into the room and grabbed hold of her hand. "I thought you'd stopped taking them."

"I lied," She pulled her hand free and emptied another bottle. "I never stop. I've been taking them every night."

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie," Meredith grabbed hold of Izzie's hand as she pulled the lid off the last bottle. "Stop."

She held tightly on to her hand and carefully pulled the last bottle from her. "You've been taking these every night?" She looked closely at the bottle and read its label. She was beginning to understand why Izzie was freaking out.

"I couldn't sleep." She whispered. "Every time I closed my eyes, every time I tried to sleep, I…I just couldn't. I, I needed to sleep and they were the only way." She blinked her eyes and tears started running down her face. "I wanted him so much. I want to be with him and now, now look what I've done. I had a part of him with me and now…" The rest of her words got lost in the sobs she began crying.

"You don't know that Iz," Meredith placed the bottle she held on the side of the basin and wrapped her arms around Izzie's side. "Everything could be fine."

"No, it's not." She reached for the bottle Meredith had set down and tipped it into the toilet. "Nothing is fine. Nothing about this is fine." She reached for the toilet and flushed the contents away. "I'm not supposed to be having a baby; I'm not supposed to be pregnant. If I'd known, if I'd thought. I wouldn't have done this; I wouldn't have been doing this. I would have been…" The words trailed from her mouth, she didn't know what else she would have done, the pills had been her way of surviving. "I've been killing him; I've been killing him all over again."

She started crying harder and Meredith pulled her closer. She tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable. "Izzie, you don't know what has happened yet. Nothing might have happened." She helped her over to the bed and sat her down. "We can't do anything about it tonight. Tonight you just need to try and get some rest and tomorrow we'll work it out. We'll get an ultrasound, and run some more blood tests. "

"I've been killing him." She started whispering under her breath, "I've been killing him."

Meredith didn't know what to say. Nothing she'd been saying was getting through to her. Instead she lay her down on the bed and started taking off her shoes. She got her to crawl under the covers and close her eyes. "We're going to work this out; it's going to be okay." She started whispering to her over and over as she waited for her to fall asleep.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"It's going to be okay." The words came out of Meredith's mouth as a calming rhythmic sound. Izzie closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. She tried to let them sooth her but it wasn't going to happen. She hadn't been able to fall asleep for months, tonight wasn't going to be any different. Her mind was still racing, turning everything she knew over in her head. She desperately wanted to believe Meredith's words, she wanted it to be okay but she was so afraid it wasn't. The pills she'd been taking weren't a known teratogen, there was no literature which said they would cause harm to a fetus, just a lot which said they could cause harm. She would never let any of her patients take them, she would never tell any of her patients to do half the stuff she'd been doing.

"Are you going to be okay here tonight?" The question came out of Meredith's mouth as she started to stand up to leave.

She opened her eyes a little and whispered back. "I'll be okay. It's not like I can take anything."

Meredith gave her a sad smile. "If you want me to stay I can."

"No." She didn't want Meredith staying, she hadn't let anyone stay at the house with her. "I'll be okay tonight."

"Okay," Meredith bent down and kissed the side of her face. "I'll be back in the morning to pick you up. We'll work everything out then."

Izzie listened to the sound of Meredith's feet walk down the hallway and the sound of the front door opening and closing. She pulled the covers tightly around her, and tried to fall asleep. She wanted to fall asleep, she didn't want to lay wake in bed all night but sleep was impossible to find. Her mind kept racing and soon she started crying again. She cried until it hurt, until she couldn't stand it anymore. She climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom; she knelt down on her knees and began searching the ground for spilt pills. There were none, they were all gone and in the moments frustration she threw the empty bottles across the room and screamed. She hated the way she was feeling, she hated that she still wanted to take pills when she knew she shouldn't, and she hated the fact she couldn't sleep, she couldn't make it stop. She sat down on the floor and started crying again. She didn't want this she didn't want this happening. She'd been doing well at trying to forget but she was never going to forget. She began running her fingers along the scars on her arm, they'd healed now but they would always be there, a constant reminder of when everything she loved was taken away from her. After what seemed like forever she got up, if she was going to be awake all night she should do something productive. She made her way into the kitchen and began searching for her backing supplies.


	40. Chapter 40

She hadn't baked in a long time; she hadn't made anything in a long time. It used to make her happy but she'd been too depressed and too busy to even try. It took a bit of searching but she finally found the flour and sugar, she found a carton of long life milk, but only six eggs and they were very old. She sighed and filled a jug with some water. One by one she placed the eggs into the water, four of them seemed to be okay, two of them were off.

She had enough ingredients to make two of something, so much for a whole night of baking she thought. Slowly she began mixing the ingredients for chocolate chip muffins. She added the wet and dry ingredients together and began stirring. As the mixture combined she felt herself beginning to clam down. She didn't feel any better, the thought of what she might have done still made her feel sick to her stomach, but she was becoming clam. Like Meredith had told her she couldn't do anything about it tonight and stressing out would only make things worse.

It took her less than an hour to mix the two batches of chocolate chip muffins, years of practice had her doing it almost as she slept. She slipped the trays in to cook and she wondered what she was supposed to do now. She couldn't sleep and she didn't want to lay awake in bed. She could clean, she hadn't cleaned the house since Alex had died, or open the mail, she hadn't done that either. She hadn't been able to bring herself to tear open the letters addressed to him. She walked to the front door and scooped the pile of letters from the ground. There was a lot of mail there, a lot of sympathy cards and bills. She placed the sympathy cards to one side, she didn't want to read them and she began opening the bills. There wasn't that many of them, the pile was so huge because there were three or four different letters for the same bill. First reminders, second reminders, final notices, she was less than a week away from getting her electricity and phone lines cut. She tried to make a mental note to pay the bills in the morning but a part of her didn't really care, the darkness could be nice and she never answered the phone. Every time the phone rang she would let the answering machine pick it up. She liked hearing the sound of Alex's voice and there was only one person who phoned anyway, the wedding photographer wanting them to make an appointment to look at their proofs.

She threw the bills into the bin and looked at the pile of sympathy cards. She started going through them, she didn't open them but she looked at the return addresses. She was looking for names she knew, but she didn't recognize any of them. After a moment she threw them into the bin too. She didn't need to read about how sorry all these people were for her loss. It wouldn't make her feel better, it wouldn't help her sleep. The mail was all gone and the only thing left to do was clean.

She started with the fridge, it was almost empty from the clean George had done seven weeks earlier. Now anything he'd left in there was also spoiled. Holding a garbage bag in her hand she began throwing everything out. Then she pulled the selves out and began scrubbing each and everyone. She cleaned the benches and the cupboards and then inside the cupboards. Her kitchen was spotless and then she made her way to the bathroom.

She cleaned every single surface until it looked like it was new. Her bathroom sparkled and she was starting to feel tired but her mind still hadn't stopped racing. Even as she'd cleaned she hadn't stopped thinking about everything. She wouldn't let herself be happy about it, she didn't want to get happy about something that could so easily be taken away from her, that might already be taken away from her. She'd learnt the hard way that to expect good things to last was like setting yourself up for heartache.

She started walking back to the kitchen, the muffins had been sitting on the bench cooling and she thought the chocolate might make her feel better, she always liked chocolate. She bit into the muffin, it was still warm and the taste just seemed to melt in her mouth. She ate one and then she ate another, she would have gone for a third but she was already starting to feel sick. She started stacking the muffins in a basket, she was running out of things to do, things to keep her busy. The bag of trash still sat in the middle of the floor. She picked it up and started carrying it out. She placed it in the bin at the front and walked back inside. As she walked back through the front door the one room she hadn't cleaned caught her eye, their front room.

She hadn't been inside their front room, the door to it had been shut since the first time she'd come home. Meredith had shut it she'd assumed, she'd shut it so she wouldn't have to look at it, look at what was in there. She knew what was in there though, and there had been times when she had almost gone in there. There had been times when she had paused at the door on her way in and out of the house, times when she had reached for the door handle but then kept moving. Tonight though she didn't have anywhere to move, there was no where for her to go and nothing else for her to do. So she found herself reaching for the door handle and twisting it.

As she stepped into the room and reached for the light switch she took a deep breath, it was as if she was trying to brace herself. The lights flickered on and she let out a small gasp, it was more than she was expecting. In the centre of the room sat a large sofa with a giant bow on top, in front of that sat a big screen television, and surrounding that were dozens and dozens of boxes wrapped in silver and white paper. The boxes were stacked halfway up the walls and covered almost all the floor space.

"Wow" she whispered under her breath and she stepped further into the room.

She ran her fingers across the top of the nearest box, a thin layer of dust was starting to settle on it. She wiped the dust off her fingers and began turning around in circles, she didn't know where to begin, what she should do first.

"Alex," She whispered. "I'm opening the presents now. If you want to help you need to come here."

She stood very still and listened, outside she heard the wind pick up and blow against the house. Then the door to the room slammed shut.

"Alex?" She whispered, and a chill ran through her body. "Okay."

She wasn't sure why she was doing it, why she was trying to 'talk' to Alex, it wasn't something she did often, just when she thought…she wanted to see if he was there. She didn't expect him to be, but just in case. They were meant to do this together.

She picked up the closest box and began twisting it in her hands. The contents shifted inside making a quiet clunking noise. "Okay," She thought to herself, "one at a time." She slipped her fingers under the paper and ripped it off.

The present was a toaster, a cheap toaster, she let a small smile cross her face and she shook her head. She reached for the card and read the name, she didn't recognize it, probably someone Alex knew.

"That'd be right." She whispered to herself. "Your friends give us the cheap presents."

She placed the toaster on the ground and opened the next present. One by one she slowly made her way through the room. With each present she opened she tucked the card inside, at first she'd started reading them but everyone's well wishes, their congratulations, and the hope for the future made her want to cry. Things were so different now, unimaginably different and she couldn't afford to think about what might have been, should have been now. It seemed to take hours for her to open everything, there were so many presents. She had almost every kitchen appliance imaginable, toasters, blenders, coffee makers, an ice-cream maker, donut maker, snow cone maker, popcorn maker, bread maker, waffle maker, sandwich maker, pie maker, stab mixer, and a George Forman grill. Someone had given them some beautiful bed linen, and Alex's aunt had made them the most exquisite quilt.

She pulled the quilt around her body and lay down on the sofa. There was one thing in the room she hadn't looked at yet. Beside the television sat a video camera and DVD player. Someone had plugged it all in and left a post-it with a smiley face stuck on top. She reached for the remote and turned on the TV, she flicked it to AV and turned on the DVD player. The screen flicked and an image of Alex appeared. He was standing in their bedroom trying to pin his buttonhole on.

"Alex what are you doing?" the camera man called out.

He turned to face the camera and started laughing. For a few seconds he was looking straight at her. "Put that away and help me with this flower." She heard him say and then the screen went black.

A few seconds later the picture returned, now they were in the church. The camera was focused on Alex who was rocking back on the balls of his feet. The camera stayed on him until the music started playing, then slowly is started panning around. Meredith and Cristina were walking down the aisle; the camera followed them to the front of the church and then zoomed in on Alex. She watched his face for the moment when she would step into the church. The moment was easy to spot, he was already smiling but the moment she walked in his smile seemed to grow and his whole face lit up. He looked so happy and when the camera panned back around to her, she looked just as happy.

"Alex," She whispered to herself. "We were so happy, we could have been so happy."

She blinked her eyes and felt the tears start to fall. She thought she should turn the movie off but she couldn't take her eyes away from the screen. She watched the ceremony and then footage of the reception. The smiles never left either of their faces; it was beautiful, so beautiful. It gave her a warm feeling inside but at the same time it hurt so much, she wanted more of that, she wanted to be back in that moment. When the movie finished she played it again, and again, and at some point she fell asleep.

-8-8-8-8-8-

_"Alex!" Izzie stood alone in a very dark space, the same space she always stood in when she dreamed but this time it felt different, she didn't fell so alone. "Alex!" _

_She started running, she was trying to get away from the darkness, she was trying to get to Alex. He was here she could feel it. "Alex!" She had to get to him, she had to find him, he had to know she was sorry, that she didn't know. _

_"Alex!" She kept screaming his name, waiting for him, hoping he would come. And then she heard it, his voice, he was laughing at her. She spun around and as she turned everything changed. The darkness disappeared and she was on a beach. She was laying in the sand wearing only a bikini and someone was walking along the beach toward her. _

_"Alex," She whispered, watching the figure slowly come towards her. She wanted to get up, she wanted to run toward him but something was holding her back. She was afraid to move closer, afraid if she did the figure would disappear, afraid it wasn't Alex._

_She lay down and watched the figure come towards her, with every step their image became clearer and soon she was sure it was Alex. She didn't get up though, she lay there watching him, waiting for him and then he was beside her._

_He was laying on the beach beside her, his body pressed up hard against hers, his fingers running rings around her navel. He was there, he was with her, he was holding her. _

_"Alex," his name came off her tongue in soft whisper. "Where were you?"_

_He moved closer to her and brushed his lips across hers. "I was here. I've always been here." He whispered. "It was you who was lost." _

_Lost? She didn't understand him. She wanted to ask him more but she felt him pulling away. "Don't go!" She cried reaching for him. _

_He smiled at her and rested his head against her stomach. "I'm not going anywhere. I want you to be okay. I'm going to make sure you're okay."_

_"But Alex," Even in her dream the words caught on her tongue. "I'm pregnant."_

_"I know." He smiled at her and he slowly began making a trail of kisses up her body. _

_ She looked at him, confused. She wanted him to explain, tell her more, tell her how he knew, tell her what else he knew but he didn't say another word. Instead he pulled her to him as tightly as he could and he gave her the deepest kiss she'd ever felt._


	41. Chapter 41

Meredith drove away from Izzie's home but she didn't drive to her home, instead she headed back to Joe's. It was still early and she hoped Cristina might still be there, she needed to talk to someone about what had happened, about Izzie. She was worrying about her again, she never really stopped worrying but the worry had taken on a new intensity again. The last time she'd seen Izzie like that had been in the weeks right after Alex's death, then her grieving had been spinning out of control. She didn't want her to do that again, it had been hard enough pulling her out the first time. She hoped she'd taken her advice and was trying to get some rest, they couldn't do anything about it then, in the morning she would pick her, they would work everything out then.

She pulled her car into the parking lot near Joe's and walked towards the door. Inside the bar was still full, she scanned the tables and booths looking for Cristina, she was sitting at the bar by herself, chatting to Joe in between shots of something and sips of beer.

"Cristina." She smiled sitting down on the stool beside her.

"Meredith." Cristina smiled at her and took another sip of her drink.

"Meredith," She looked up and saw Joe had made his way down to their end of the bar. "I wasn't expecting to see you back here tonight."

"I wasn't planning to but I just had to."

"Understandable." Joe placed a shot glass in front of her and poured out her standard tequila. "Is Izzie okay?"

She reached for the glass and downed the shot. "Yeah." She watched the faces of the two people she was with, they wanted more; she could tell they wanted more. Joe poured her another shot and she downed it before continuing. "She's pregnant."

"What!" It was Cristina who was first able to form the one word they were both thinking. "How is that even possible?"

"I don't know." Medically speaking it shouldn't have happened, she knew it, Cristina knew it, and Izzie sure as hell knew it. "Devine intervention."

It was an explanation, not one she would normally consider, she didn't entirely believe in that stuff but this time she couldn't help thinking maybe there was something to it. It wasn't the fainting and the vomiting that made her want to give Izzie a pregnancy test, she'd wanted to give her a pregnancy test for weeks, the vomiting and fainting just gave her a reason take some blood. It was the dreams she'd been having which made her want to do the test. Ever few nights for the last four weeks Alex had been in her dreams, when she saw him he always had the biggest smile across his face, and he would tell her he was going to be a dad, he would tell her Izzie was pregnant.

At first she'd tried to ignore the dreams, she didn't want to make that suggestion to Izzie, it would break her she was sure but the dreams kept coming back and after a while she couldn't ignore them. She'd run the test to get the idea out of her own head, she hadn't expected it to come back positive.

"How did Izzie take it?" Joe's question broke into her thoughts.

"She freaked." The others stared at her for more explanation so she continued. "She's afraid she's hurt the baby. She's been doing things to her body, to help her cope, that no pregnant woman should do. She thinks she's going to lose it, she thinks she's already lost it."

"Oh, where is she?"

"At home." She reached over for Cristina's beer and took a sip of it. "I told her to try and get some rest. I've got to pick her up in the morning and take her to a doctor, get an ultrasound and run some tests, see if everything is okay."

"Do you think she will be okay?" It was Joe asking the questions.

"I don't know." She took another sip of beer and began to exhale. "I think either way it's going to be hard for her."

"Yeah."

A silence fell between the group and Joe wondered off to serve some customers at the other end of the bar. Meredith took another sip of Cristina's drink and gazed down at her watch. It was starting to get late now.

"I should get going." She sighed. "Try and get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a bitch."

"I'm glad it's you doing it and not me." Christina smiled at her. "I'll be back here tomorrow if you need to unwind again."

"Thanks." She got up and walked out the bar. She began the short drive home, all the time she was hoping everything tomorrow would work out.

-8-8-8-8-8-

All night Izzie dreamed. Dream after dream, image after image of Alex filled her head, engulfed her sub conscious. They were the most vivid dreams she'd ever had; it was almost like Alex was with her, like he was shearing the moment with her. Time after time she told him she was pregnant and sometimes she didn't even tell him, he just knew.

_"Izzie, I love you." The words rolled off Alex's tongue as he gently nibbled her ear. _

_She rolled over to face him and brushed her nose against his. They were laying outside on a blanket in the back yard of their home. They'd been looking for shooting starts together._

_He pulled her tight to his side and rolled her back onto her back. He wrapped one of his arms around her neck and the other he rested on her abdomen. _

_"You're going to be okay." He whispered to her. She could feel him trying to get the words to sink into her. "Look." He pointed up and they watched as a shooting star streaked across the sky. _

_"It's beautiful." She whispered, and she gazed up at the sky hoping to see another one. There were no more shooting starts though, not tonight. "Do you ever wonder what they are?" She asked not really expecting an answer, she just wanted to hear Alex talk, she wanted to hear his voice._

_"I know what they are." He began saying. "They're loved ones trying to find each other." _

_"Really?" She looked up at the sky again. "How do they know?"_

_"Know what?"_

_"Where to find each other?"_

_"I don't know, they just do." He pulled her even closer to him, and lifted his hand from her abdomen, he pointed to a group of starts above them. "See those stars, the one on the left, right at the bottom, that's my star. That's where you'll find me."_

_"Where I'll find you?" She ran the words through her head, she didn't understand them, she didn't know what he meant, how would she find him. She wanted to ask him, she wanted him to tell her everything, explain what he meant by find him but the words caught in her throat. He lifted his fingers to her mouth._

_"Shh…" He whispered to her and he pulled her into a tight embrace._

_They were laying on their sides again, their eyes level, gazing at each other. She could feel the energy between them building; something was drawing them closer together and something pulling them apart. She was going to lose him, she was about to lose him again. She wrapped both her arms tightly around him held on for dream life. _


	42. Chapter 42

Meredith pulled her car into Izzie's driveway and began making her way towards the house. It was early in the morning, not quite 8am. She hadn't planned on coming quite this early but her worrying got the better of her. She didn't want Izzie up waiting for her, for some reason she didn't think that would be a good idea. She knocked on the door and waited a moment, Izzie didn't answer. She wasn't expecting her to but habit told her she should knock, it wasn't her house but she did have a key, she used it to unlock to door and she walked inside.

"Izzie," she called as walked into the house. "I'm here."

She walked slowly up the hallway of the house. She walked past the kitchen and stuck her head inside. She was expecting to see a mess of bowls, and trays and flour everywhere but the only sign that baking had occurred were two baskets of muffins sitting on the counter. She walked deeper into the house and checked the bathroom, she thought Izzie might have curled up on the floor there but she wasn't there.

"Izzie," she called again before stepping into the bedroom. She looked around, the bed was unmade but she wasn't there. She walked further into the bedroom and checked the closet but Izzie hadn't curled up into Alex's shirts, she didn't seem to be anywhere.

Slowly she began walking back towards the front door. She called out a few more times but there wasn't any answer, she didn't really expect one. "Where are you?" she said to herself. She was beginning to think Izzie might have left the house; that she might have gone wondering. She hadn't thought about that last night, she hadn't considered the idea that Izzie might leave. She was about to kick herself when she noticed a faint blue light glowing under the door to the front room. She hadn't looked in there, she'd shut the door to that room weeks ago and hadn't expected it to be opened for sometime.

She twisted the handle and pushed the door when she saw what was inside she let out a small gasp. The room was not how she'd left it all those weeks before; instead it looked like something had exploded in it. Scattered all over the floor were boxes and wrapping paper, every present had been opened and curled up on the sofa was Izzie. She was sounds asleep with the remote to the DVD player resting in her hand.

"Iz," she stepped closer to her, she was going to wake her up but then she changed her mind. She didn't want to wake her, she might have been sleeping for hours but she could have only just fallen asleep. Sleep, in moderation was important. Instead she ripped off a piece of wrapping paper and wrote a note.

_Izzie,_

_ I came by this morning but you were sleeping. I didn't want to wake you. Phone me when you wake up and I'll give you a ride to the hospital. Everything is going to be fine._

_ -Meredith._

She stuck the note to the door and quietly left the house.

-8-8-8-8-

A smile lay across Izzie's face, she was still asleep, she was still dreaming, the sun was streaming in through the window bathing her in a glowing light. It was early afternoon, she'd been asleep well over ten hours, her body taking in the drug free sleep it had been craving without her knowing.

In the kitchen the phone started ringing, four rings and then the answering machine flicked on.

_"Hello!... Oh hey, it's Alex."_

The sound of his voice the filled the silent house and Izzie's eyes opened.

_"Actually, we're not home, leave a message after the tone." _

She listened to the sound of the machine click over and then the beep of a disconnecting line, another telemarketer. She lay on the sofa and stared at the blue screen of the television, in her hand the remote for the DVD player still sat, she pressed the play button and watched as the images of their wedding filled the screen. She was still mesmerized by it, drawn to it.

"Alex." She found herself whispering under her breath. She closed her eyes again and tried to capture him, she wanted him back but he was no longer hers to have, she couldn't take him, she couldn't force him to come. She knew that now, there was something he said, something he'd told her, she hadn't understood it at the time but she did now. He wanted her to take care of herself, the more she did, the more he would come. Sleeping pills were not the answer, for weeks her dreams had been nothing more than her searching because he couldn't reach her, or she couldn't reach him, they were too far apart.

She watched the film all the way to the end and then slowly sat up. She could have lay there all day watching it but that's not what she needed to do, what she had to do today. She climbed to her feet and as she did she looked around the room. She couldn't believe how much stuff surrounded her, all these things people had given her, had given them. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with it all, but right then that wasn't her concern. She walked to the door and pulled down Meredith's note. It made her smile a little, she liked that her friend had let her sleep and then still thought it was necessary to leave a note.

She made her way into the kitchen, she was hungry, a feeling which she hadn't consciously felt for a long time. In the last few months she'd developed a strange relationship with food, she kept herself busy to the point of exhaustion, where food much like sleep was only something she did when she was told to. She was hungry now though, she had finally stopped, slowed down enough to feel. There wasn't any food in the house though, only the muffins she'd made the night before. She took a muffin, bit into it, and savored the chocolate taste. She began walking through her house and into the bathroom, she'd have a shower and get herself cleaned up, then she'd give Meredith a call and get her to pick her up.

She was feeling better today, more together and sure of herself. The sleep had done wonders for her state of mind, she was still scared and worried but Alex had clamed her in her dreams. He'd told her so many times that it would be okay that she was starting to believe it. She wouldn't day dream about a child though, she wouldn't allow herself that luxury just yet.


	43. Chapter 43

Meredith reached for her phone and checked it, it was going on 1pm and she still hadn't heard from Izzie. She was getting worried; she had expected to hear from her by now.

"Meredith stop looking at your phone." The words came from Cristina's mouth, they were eating lunch together and it was the third time in fifteen minutes that she'd looked at it. "Izzie will phone you."

"I know," she sighed. "I'm just worried; I want to know she's okay."

"She's probably still sleeping. It probably took her half the night to open all those presents and who knows what else she did."

"I guess." Meredith used her fork to shove some salad into her mouth. Cristina was right, Izzie probably was still sleeping and she would phone her, when she was ready. They continued to eat lunch and the conversation drifted to the hospital the cases they were working on. They were almost finished when Meredith's phone started ringing.

"It's Izzie." She smiled looking at the ID.

"I told you she'd phone." Cristina smirked.

"Hey Iz," She said answering the phone. "Yeah sure I can come; I'll be there in ten minutes." Meredith hung up the phone started picking up her lunch. "It was great eating with you Cristina but I got to go get Izzie."

"See nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, I'll see you later."

Meredith started walking away from the table; she only made it ten feet before her pager started beeping. She glanced down at the call; it was a 911 to one of her patients. "Shit." She thought to herself, and looked back at Cristina; she was still at the table eating her lunch. She paused for a moment and walked back to the table.

"Cristina," She started. "Could you do me a favor?"

"What?" She asked biting into the sandwich.

"Could you get Izzie for me?" She paused for a moment to try and gauge Cristina's reaction, she didn't seem to have one so she kept talking. "I just got paged and I already told her I was coming."

"You want me to go get Izzie?" The question seemed to come from Cristina's mouth with a little bit of disbelief.

"Yes please. I don't want her waiting at the house worrying." She looked at Cristina and tried to look desperate, she needed to get to her patient but she really didn't want to leave Izzie waiting. As much as everyone kept telling her and even with how good Izzie sounded on the phone she didn't like the idea of leaving her, she didn't want her to feel forgotten or pushed aside. "Please."

-8-8-8-8-

"Okay." Cristina agreed to go. She didn't want to go, if anyone but Meredith had asked her to go she would have said no. But Meredith asked her to go, because Meredith couldn't seem to stop worrying about Izzie and if she didn't go she would only worry more.

"Thank you." Meredith told her before running off.

Slowly Cristina scooped her lunch up and threw what was left in the bin. "So much for an easy lunch." She thought to herself, not that any lunch was ever easy but today had so far been quiet. She went to her car in the parking lot and began the drive to Izzie's home.

The closer she got there the more she began to curse Meredith for making her do this, for making her spend time with Izzie. That wasn't really Meredith's intention, she knew that wasn't the reason she asked but that was part of the outcome. In the eight weeks since Alex had died she had hardly spoken to Izzie. She'd been intentionally avoiding her and the few times when they had been together the words spoken were merely pleasantries. She didn't know how to talk to her and she felt uncomfortable around her.

-8-8-8-8-

Izzie sat on the steps in front of her home, in her lap rested her handbag and on top of that her hands fidgeted. She was getting nervous and anxious again, she could feel her heart beginning to race and she was doing her best to stop it. She was starting to worry again, the feelings she'd had the night before of complete and total fear were starting to eat at her. She was second guessing the positive feeling she'd had when she'd awoken, she was questioning her dreams and whether they really meant something or if they really were only dreams. She wanted to hurry up and get to the hospital, she wanted to get some definitive answers or at the very least she needed to know where she stood.

She looked down the road, watching for Meredith's car but it wasn't coming. It had been fifteen minutes since she'd spoken to her, she said she'd be there in ten. She kept watching the road and fighting the urge to phone her again. She would be there she told herself and then a car pulled into the driveway. It wasn't the car she was expecting though, it was Cristina.

She stood up as Cristina walked towards her they were friends, kind of. They'd never been buddy buddy, there had always been a bit of a wall between them and it was their sheared friendship with Meredith with which made them friends. It had been even stranger these last few months, they'd hardly spoken to each other; instead they were both too consumed in them selves.

"Meredith got paged to something." Cristina told her when she was standing a few feet away. "She asked me to come get you."

"Okay." The explanation made sense, she'd worked in the hospital long enough to know the pager was always bound to go off when you didn't want it to.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah." She said, starting to walk towards Cristina's car. She'd never been in Cristina's car, it was usually too full of junk to fit another person in it and she realized when she looked through the window it was still full of junk.

"I wasn't expecting passengers." She told her as she opened the door. She reached into the passenger seat and threw a pile of clothes and take away wrappers onto the back seat.

"It's okay." She sat down in the passenger seat and clutched her bag to her chest.

She felt uncomfortable in the car, being in the presence of Cristina made her feel uncomfortable, she was wasn't quite sure why there was just something about her energy she didn't like. She stared out the window and waited patiently for them to get to the hospital.

-8-8-8-8-

Cristina glanced over at Izzie and then back at the road, she knew she shouldn't be watching her but she couldn't help it, she couldn't help wanting to see what she looked like. She could see it in her whole body, Izzie was sad, there were dark rings around her eyes which she made no effort to hide with makeup. This Izzie was different from the one she had known for years and she couldn't help but feel responsible. She hadn't planned on saying anything, they could have easily sat in silence for the entire car ride but she felt an urge to say something.

"I did everything I could." The words came from her mouth in an almost inaudible rush.

"What did you say?" Izzie turned to look at her, she hadn't heard her. In that instance she could have said nothing she could have pretended she hadn't spoken but instead she kept talking.

"With Alex, I did everything I could to save him."

-8-8-8-8-

"Okay." The one word was all Izzie could form. She turned her head and went back to staring out the window. She couldn't say anything else, she didn't want to say anything else. The statement, what Cristina had said had caught her off guard, she wasn't expecting it and in that instance she didn't know how to take it, what to make of it. She'd hardly spoken to Cristina in the last couple months and when they did talk it was only about work or the weather. Not this, not Alex, she didn't talk to Cristina about Alex. She didn't say anything more, the car was silent for a moment and then Cristina started talking again.

"When he came in he was in a bad state. He had massive, massive internal injuries and …" The words kept coming from Cristina's mouth, she kept talking and soon Izzie found herself listening to her describe in minute detail everyone of Alex's injuries and everything she did in the OR. It was almost like a step by step play back of what had happened. Listening to it made her feel ill, she felt nauseas and found herself wrapping her arms tightly around her body but she didn't tell her to stop, somewhere a part of her wanted to hear it.

-8-8-8-8-

"I wanted to save him. I did everything I could to save him." The last sentence Cristina spoke slowly and clearly, she wanted to make sure it was clear, that Izzie heard her. They'd reached the hospital now and had parked the car park. She glanced over at Izzie, she was sitting in the passenger seat looking rather pale, she'd said only one word to her the entire ride.

"Izzie, are you okay?" Looking over at her she realized for the first time that saying those things might not have been a good idea. She'd said them because she needed to say them but she hadn't thought about what hearing them would do to Izzie.

Izzie turned her head to look at her, her eyes were full of tears fighting their way to come out. "Why did you say all that stuff? Did you think I wanted to hear it?"

"I didn't think." It was the truth, only now was she realizing Izzie probably didn't want to know every detail of Alex's last moments alive. "I just wanted you to know I did everything I could. I tried to save him. I wanted to save him."

"I know." Izzie tried to smile through her tears but the action only made them fall. "I don't blame you, I never have. You did everything you could, you always to do everything you can and still…It happens, people die, we can't stop that."

She could see the tears starting to run down her face and she felt a strange urge to do something "Izzie," She said but the other woman was already starting to pull away.

"I need to get inside." She said climbing out the car and walking away.

"Izzie!" Cristina called after her but, she didn't stop, she didn't turn around, she just kept walking. "I'm sorry." Those last words were whispered only to herself.


	44. Chapter 44

Izzie walked towards the hospital as fast as she could, she needed to get away from Cristina, she couldn't listen to her anymore, she didn't want to hear what happened to Alex, she didn't want to know what the last moments of his life were like, knowing didn't change anything. She used her hand to wipe away the few tears which were running down her face and walked inside.

She held her head up high and tried to compose herself, she needed to be clam and in control to do this. She was about to confide in someone she'd never planned on confiding in, she was going to tell them everything, all her secrets. She didn't want them to know, she'd worked very hard to make sure they didn't know but she needed to tell them. She needed help and they were the very best person to give it to her.

She stepped out the elevator on the floor of the NICU and began walking the corridors. It didn't take long for her to find who she was looking for, she was standing at the nurses station making notes in a chart.

"Just tell her." Izzie told herself. "Just ask to speak to her and tell her." She walked the last few steps to the nurses' station and took a deep breath. "Doctor Montgomery can I talk to you?" She asked the question and waited for an answer. Addison lifted her head and looked at her.

"Steven I thought I told you to stay home today."

"You did. I'm not here to work." She spoke the words fast. "I need to talk to you." She waited for her to say something, when she just kept staring at her she added. "Please."

Addison put her pen down and closed the file; she handed it to someone sitting at the station and turned to face her. "Okay Stevens what is it?"

"I can't talk to you here. Can we go in there?" She gestured towards an exam room she thought was empty. This was going to be hard enough in an enclosed space, she couldn't do it out in the open, she didn't want others to know. She wouldn't be able to cope if rumors started going around.

"Okay." Addison walked past her and into to the exam room. She paused at the door and held it open.

Izzie stepped inside and waited for the door to close. When the room was silent she let out a long slow breath. She was trying to find the words she needed, she was trying to work out the best way to go about telling her. It was hard though, she hadn't said the words out loud yet, not properly anyway, even now she didn't think she could do it so she stepped around it.

"Last night," she began. "After you sent me home, I didn't go home. Meredith, Dr. Grey she asked to have a drink with her and I went but I didn't have a drink. I, I wasn't feeling well and I fainted and Meredith got worried and she gave me a blood test and – " She didn't get the next words out, they got caught in her throat and Addison cut her off.

"Stevens you're rambling, what's wrong?"

"I'm." she couldn't say it she couldn't say the words, so she reached for the piece of paper, the one she had brought with her showing her blood results. She handed the paper to Addison and waited for her to read the results.

"You're pregnant?" Addison looked at her, a confused expression on her face.

"That's what it says."

"Okay, why did you need to tell me?"

"Because," Again the words got stuck, Addison kept staring at her, waiting for her to explain herself. She took a breath to try and clam herself. "Because, I've been doing thing, things I shouldn't have been doing." Her voice started to crack; the fear she felt was starting to come out.

"Things?" There was a slight annoyance in Addison's voice, she had no idea.

"Yes." That one word was hard to form but the ones to follow were even harder. "I've been taking sleeping pills, lots of sleeping pills." She let that last words hang in the air. She was waiting for Addison to say something but she didn't open her mouth she just looked at her. "I couldn't sleep." She felt a need to keep talking, to try and explain herself. "I couldn't stop my mind racing, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I needed to sleep. I was so tired." She closed her eyes and tried to bite back the tears which were starting to form. "I didn't think it would matter. I didn't think it could do any harm. I just wanted to sleep." The last words came out almost as a whisper. She used her hand to wipe her tears away, she'd wanted to stay composed but she was already losing it.

"Stevens." Addison finally spoke to her. "Sit down, take a breath. How many have you been taking?"

"Two or three." She wiped more tears away with her hand. "Every time you sent me home, I'd take some and just sleep."

"Okay." Addison seemed to be doing the sums in her head. "That's not too bad."

"That's not all." The nightly doping worried her, it concerned her but if it was only that she wouldn't be quite as scared. "I took an over dose. Six weeks ago, before I came back here I swallowed half a bottle." She watched Addison's mouth drop, and she realized what she'd just said. "I wasn't trying to kill myself," She felt the need to say that, to try and clarify. "I just wanted to sleep so bad I kept taking them until I passed out."

"Right." Addison looked at her skeptically, she wasn't believing her, she didn't understand, but then understanding wasn't important. She just needed her to know, and then she needed her to help.

"I'm afraid, I've hurt him, that what I've done has hurt him." Her voice shook, and she wiped more tears away. "I need you to tell me he's okay, and if he's not, I need you to fix him. I need you to make it okay."

"Okay." Addison slowly stepped forward and placed a hand on her arm. "Stevens you need to sit down. You need to take a breath and calm down." She spoke to her in a soothing, understanding voice. "I'm going to go get a portable ultrasound and the equipment to draw some blood. We are going to have a look at what is going on inside and I'm going to run some tests. We'll find out if anything is wrong but until then you need to stay clam. This level of stress isn't healthy either."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Addison let go of Izzie's arm and stepped out the room. She couldn't quite believe what she had just heard. Her star resident, her favorite resident whom she had been mentoring for the last two years had just told her she had a drug problem. To hear those words come from Izzie's mouth had shocked her. She wasn't expecting it but the more she thought about it the less it surprised her. Losing someone you love can make a person do some outrageous things and it would seem that Izzie Steven was no exception.

She walked to the phone and ordered an ultrasound to be sent up and then gathered a blood drawing kit and walked back inside the exam room.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie lay alone in the exam room. She had her eyes closed and she was trying to concentrate on her breathing. Her heart was pounding in her chest, she was trying to get it to slow down, to get her body back to normal. It was hard though and as the minutes ticked by she got more and more nervous. She needed everything to be okay and she was so afraid it wasn't.

She sat up a little when she heard the door open and Addison walk in. She told her to take her jacket off and then wrapped a tourniquet around her arm. She winced a little as the needle went in and watched the blood streamed into the collection tubes.

"I'm going to get them to test the hormone and drug levels in your blood and look for any other abnormalities. It'll be a few hours before we get the results but in the mean time." There was a knock on the door. "Let have a look inside."

She watched Addison step out the room and return a moment later with the ultrasound. She told her to climb on the bed and lift up her shirt. Laying on the bed she felt half exposed and venerable, she took in a deep breath and let it out very slowly, she was trying to brace herself for what she was about to see.

Addison placed the probe on her abdomen and in a few seconds the images of what was inside appeared. The first thing she saw the heart beat, a tiny little flickering inside of her. The sight made her own heart flutter, so far so good. Addison moved the probe across her belly to get a look from a different angle.

"How far along do you think you are?" She asked.

"Ten weeks I think." She paused for a moment to try and do the sums in her head. "Conception was eight weeks ago, September first."

"Okay." Addison made a note of that and kept moving the probe around. She moved it over and over and over her belly, pausing every now and again to make a note, write a measurement. Izzie watched too, she stated at the monitor looking for problems but she couldn't see any. All she saw were the makings of a tiny human, she could just make out a head and a body, she could see the start of arms and legs forming. The images mesmerized her, she could feel her heart racing but at the same time a calm feeling was beginning to run through her. He was there, he was inside of her.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Addison didn't look at Izzie once as she moved the ultrasound around. She was trying to get a better look at things, work if what she thought she saw was really there. Twenty minutes of moving confirmed it. She turned the ultrasound off and looked over at Izzie, she had a smile on her face and looked happier than she'd seen her in a long time.

"Are you sure it's been eight weeks?" She had to ask the question but as soon as it came out she realized how wrong it was. The smile vanished from Izzie's face and a look or horror spread across it.

"I'm sure." She said. "What's wrong?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

The question hung in the air. Izzie wanted the answer; she needed to know the answer but she didn't want it as well. She'd been looking for problems, she'd been looking but she hadn't seen any, to her the images were beautiful, all she saw was him, she hadn't seen what Addison saw and that terrified her.

She watched her and waited for her answer, waited for her to tell her. Addison adjusted the papers she was holding and began to talk.

"The fetus is small for ten weeks."

"Oh." The one word was all she could form. She hadn't noticed the size, she hadn't seen the measurements Addison took, she'd been too caught up in the whole.

Addison adjusted her papers again. "There are a number of things that could be causing this –"

"I haven't been eating." She used the revelation to cut Addison off. There were lots of thing that could make a baby small. She knew about lots of things but she also knew herself and what she'd been doing. She hadn't eaten properly since Alex died, at first it was because she liked the hunger pains, she wanted to waste away and then after when the pains went away, when her body got used to the lack of food she'd just forget to eat. She didn't like eating anymore, she didn't enjoy food and for week s she'd been having difficulty keeping anything down.

"I see," Addison nodded at her like she understood. "I noticed you were losing weight. That needs to stop now." She reached into her pocket and pulled out her pad. "I'm going to write you a referral to a dietician and prescribe an anti-nausea medication, only take it if you're having problems keeping food down."

"Okay," She reached for the papers and took them. "What else should I do?"

She wanted more, she need more than just a diet plan. Addison wrote on the pad again.

"This is for a prenatal vitamin start taking it now."

"Okay." She took the last sheet of paper and the room became quiet. Addison adjusted her papers again and she started to sit up on the edge of the bed. Things hadn't gone great but knowing what was happening helped. She slipped off the bed and picked up her bag. "Thank you Doctor Montgomery." She said and she started to walk out the door. She'd taken barely two steep when she was stopped.

"Stevens." Addison started saying. "I'll do everything I can to make this pregnancy healthy but you have to start looking after yourself."

"I know." It was the truth she knew Addison was her best chance to make things right but most of it would come down to her. "If I'd known I never would have let it go like this. I would have done things better but I didn't think it was possible, it never even crossed my mind."

Addison gave her a sad smile and for a moment they both lingered in the room. "Stevens, you should speak to your therapist and orthopedist as well. If they clear you for surgery there is a case coming in tomorrow I could use your help with."

"Okay," She let a small smile cross her lips and she walked out the room.

She was feeling calmer than she had before, not great, there was still a fear eating at her but she felt better. She would do everything Addison told her and she would pray it would work, that she could make her baby grow and he would be healthy. "He is going to be okay. He is going to be okay." She repeated the words over and over in her head, trying to convince herself of them. She was meant to be an optimist, Alex had always said he liked that about her, her positive outlook but in the last two months that had been very hard to find. "He is going to be okay." She wouldn't stop repeating the words until she had convinced herself it was true.


	45. Chapter 45

Izzie walked into her bedroom and began searching her draws for the Iowa t-shirt that had once been Alex's. It had been the first item of clothing she'd taken from him; that she'd claimed as her own. It didn't smell like him, it had been a long time since either one of them had worn it; and the smell that clung to it was that of the draw it had been kept in. That didn't matter though; she just wanted to wear it, it was the closest she could get to Alex holding her. She removed the clothes she'd worn that day and slipped the shirt on. It still felt soft against her skin and it brought a small smile across her face. She walked over to her bed and curled beneath the covers.

She lay down on her back and rested her hands across her abdomen. "It's going to be okay," she whispered to herself. "It's going to be okay." She'd been telling herself those same words all afternoon and now she was starting to believe them. After her talk with Addison she'd spoken to the dietitian, she'd had the need for her to put on weight drummed into her and then they'd spent a long time trying to work out the best way to do that. She had a diet now, high in protein, high in carbs, there were also lots of little snack foods which were supposed to help her keep food down. She wasn't sure how well it would work but she'd eaten a good dinner and kept most of it down. She'd also visited her other doctors, the orthopedist had cleared her for surgery without too much hassle but her therapist made her talk. They spent an hour in her office talking about stuff. Some of it was important, she had to talk about Alex and the dream she'd had, she had to talk about the sleeping pills, about the wedding presents and about the pregnancy. They talked a lot about the pregnancy, about what it meant. For a while the conversation started to scare her, she was certain she would never be cleared for surgery but in the end she was. She was given the okay and that in itself made her feel good.

She rolled over onto her side and pulled Alex's pillow from its place on the bed. She held it tightly to her chest and breathed in the reminiscence of his scent, after weeks of doing this there was little of it left but it still seemed to clam her. She closed her eyes and began willing herself to fall asleep. It was hard though, her body had become so accustomed to drugs bringing sleep it didn't seem to know what to do. She breathed slow and steady and tried to conjure images into her head, images of her and Alex together, she tried to relax but it wouldn't work. After an hour she climbed out of bed, she wrapped the comforter around her shoulders and began walking through the house, first to the kitchen where she got herself a glass of water, and then to her front room. There she lay down on the sofa and turned on the television. She started playing her wedding video, she let the sound of Alex's voice flow through her and like a lullaby it rocked her to sleep.

-8-8-8-8-

"Hey Iz." Alex smiled down at her. She seemed to be laying down and he was sitting beside her. He ran his finger down the side of her face and hooked a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Alex," She looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back at her, a big smile that lit up his eyes. She tried to lift up her arms to touch him but he shook his head.

He took his hands and wrapped them around hers. "Not tonight," he told her and then he lent in and kissed her. This kiss was soft and so gentle, it didn't seem to have the same passion as in her other dreams but there was another electricity to it, it felt real.

"Alex," She whispered his name again and tried to touch him. He wouldn't let her though, he wouldn't let her touch him.

"Not tonight Iz," he whispered to her and then he climbed over the bed. He lay down beside her and push his body against hers. With one hand he clasped hers and the other he began playing with her hair.

"It's going to be okay." He started whispering to her, "It's going to be okay."

Even in her dream his words seemed to rock her to sleep, a deeper sleep where everything in it felt safe.

-8-8-8-8-

_"Alex! Alex!" Izzie stood in a very dark place. "Alex!" There was a worry in her voice, a fear that shook with every cry. "Alex where are you?!" She was afraid she'd lost him, that again he was gone. "Alex!" He couldn't be gone, not when she'd only just found him._

_She began spinning around in circles, faster and faster she spun, she thought maybe if she moved fast enough everything might change that he'd come. She spun until she was dizzy until her head hurt and she fell over. She hit the ground hard and she wanted to just lay there, lay there and cry but then she felt it, the strong hand on her shoulder helping her up. _

_"Iz what were you doing?" Alex asked her, a bemused look on his face. _

_She looked back at him confused. "You were here?" His smile got bigger as he slowly nodded his head. "Alex!" She reached out and slapped his shoulder, "Don't do that!"_

_He started laughing at her and his eyes lit up. "I promise I won't do it again." Then he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and started leading her into the darkness._

_"Alex where are we going?" She had to ask the question though the answer didn't really matter as long as she was with him she didn't care where they went._

_"Where do you want to go?" He posed the question with a slight smirk on his face, a look like he already knew the answer._

_"I don't know. Anywhere but here." The answer was simple, truthful. "If you're there it doesn't matter where."_

_"I think I can manage that." He pulled her closer to him again and turned to kiss her. "Close your eyes." He whispered to her and then wrapped his mouth around hers, he pulled her as close to him as possible, so close you couldn't tell where one body finished and the other started._


	46. Chapter 46

It was 1am on a Thursday night, it was Thanksgiving but that was something Izzie was trying to ignore. She didn't want it to be Thanksgiving, she didn't want to acknowledge the holiday she just wanted it to pass, she wanted to work through it and pretend it wasn't happening, that it was just any other day.

She was doing good with the any other days, her body had finally soughed itself out, she could eat without feeling sick and the pounds were slowly starting to creep on, probably not nearly as fast as they needed to be but she was moving in the right direction. She was sleeping better too, in the morning when she'd awake she was feeling refreshed instead of constantly tired. But she still needed Alex, she needed his voice to rock her to sleep, with it she would fall asleep in a matter of minutes but without she could lay awake for hours.

Ignoring Thanksgiving though wasn't easy, every where she'd walk there were people wishing others a happy holiday, there were people bitching about their family and the mess that was going to happen at dinner. The fact that she had a reputation for going a little over board with the holiday didn't help, people expected her to be celebrating but celebrating was the last thing she wanted to do.

Addison seemed to understand that, as her boss she'd offered her all the on-call shifts leading up to and through the holiday. Working through the holiday was the best thing, that was why now at 1am she was standing in an OR carefully guiding a small laser towards the interlocking blood vessels of a couple of TTTS babies.

"There we go, I've go it." She said separating the blood vessels. She carefully pulled the instruments out and began closing the mother's small incisions. Normally she might have asked someone else to close for her but she wanted to stay in the OR as long as possible.

When she was finished she told the husband the news, everything about the procedure had gone to plan and both mom and babies were showing early signs of improvement. "It's good news," she told him but she could still see the worry in his eyes, it was a look she'd seen in herself all too often.

There was nothing she could do for him though, he would continue to worry even when everything was okay, she never stopped worrying about herself. With some final words of reassurance she walked away from the man, as she moved she rested her hands on her own belly, at fourteen weeks she didn't look pregnant to the outside world but she could see the changes in her own body. She made her way into an on call room and lay down on the bed. She'd been on her feet all day and really needed to get some rest. If she was lucky she would drift into some kind of sleep but she wasn't that lucky.

As her body began to relax she began to feel things, her back started to ache and then it felt like her stomach was cramping. As the pain first started to come she tried to ignore it, she tried to tell herself it was just in her head, that her worrying was causing it, but it wouldn't go away and she couldn't ignore it. After almost an hour she pulled herself out of bed and walked to one of the restrooms. It was in there she realized her worst nightmare was happening again, she was bleeding.

She stared at the bloodily tissue, there wasn't a lot of blood, maybe only the equivalent of half a dozen drops but it was enough to scare her half to death, to send fear running through her. Her stomach seemed to cramp again and then she felt the urge to vomit. She turned to the stall just in time to let everything out. She was sick but that didn't make her feel better. Carefully she washed her hands and rinsed out her mouth, then she walked as clammily as she could to the nearest phone. She dialed Dr. Montgomery' s pager and anxiously waited for her to arrive.

"Stevens what's wrong?" Addison asked as soon as she reached her.

Izzie gulped and then tried to find the words she was after, that she needed. "I'm bleeding." She finally said and that was all it took for Addison to understand exactly what was happening.

"Okay." She walked past her and towards one of the exam rooms. "Let me have a look before we start jumping to any conclusions."

"Okay." Not jumping to any conclusions was easier said than done. So many bad things had happened in her life that it was easy to assume the worse, to jump straight to the worst possible scenario. She followed Addison into the exam room and then waited to be told what to do. She knew what to do, she knew what was going to happen but she still needed to be told.

"Take off your pants and get up on the table." Addison told her as she began to slip on a pair of gloves. "This isn't going to hurt but it might be uncomfortable."

Carefully Addison examined her, she seemed to be checking everything and taking her time with it. When she finally finished, when she was able to look her in the eye again there wasn't a sadness there, she smiled at her as she pulled off her gloves and came to stand at her side.

"You're not having a miscarriage." Those words in that instance were the most beautiful words she could have heard.

"Are you sure?" She had to ask the question, she had to be sure.

"I'm sure," Addison smiled at her. "There were only a few drops of blood and your cervices are completely closed."

"But," The answer seemed too simple, too good.

"You're okay Stevens," Addison tried to reassure her. "I'll get the ultrasound, you can have a look for yourself."

"Okay." She nodded as Addison stood up and walked to the phone, she watched her dial the number for portable equipment to be sent up and then she sat back down.

"Izzie," Addison started talking to her again but this time the tone of her voice was that of a friend, not a doctor, and not her boss. "Everything is okay now but this is your body warning you, telling you, you need to slow down."

"I have slowed down." The response was defensive, she thought she'd already done that, she'd been trying to do things right, get a good balance, she didn't take to living at the hospital anymore, at the end of her shifts she was going home and sleeping.

"You need to slow down a bit more. When was the last time you took an entire day off?"

"I don't know." She couldn't remember, she'd been working a lot, she knew that but it was the only way she could get through the day. She'd thought going home and resting after each shift was good enough, she thought by doing that and eating right, and taking the vitamins she was doing the right thing, and coping but it wasn't enough.

"I want you to take the rest of the weekend off." She heard Addison telling her. "We'll manage here without you."

"What?" She knew the statement was coming, really where else would the conversation go but she still didn't want to.

"I want you to go home and get some rest. Everything is okay now but if this happens again it might not be."

The words were true, she knew Addison was right, she did need to get some rest but she didn't want to go home, not this weekend, this weekend she needed to work, she needed to spend her days in the OR so she wouldn't have to think about everything else, about everything that was missing and wrong.

Someone knocked on the door and Addison pulled in the ultrasound. Using the probe she showed Izzie everything that was inside. Her baby looked healthy, though still small, and everything else looked normal, there was nothing wrong, nothing was happening right at that moment, just like Addison had told her. The pains and the blood were just warning signs, nothing had happened yet and there was time to make sure it stayed that way.

"See," Addison smiled at her. "Everything is fine."

Izzie nodded trying to take everything in. It was indeed fine now but she knew it might not stay that way. "Thank you." She smiled at Addison and rested her hands on her belly. "I guess I should get going now."

"Yes, go home and try and get some rest." Addison stood up and walked out the room leaving Izzie alone to pick up her things.

Slowly Izzie changed into her clothes and walked out the room. She began making her way out the hospital, as she walked she kept her head down, she avoided making eye contact with anyone, when she made eye contact people tended to wish her a happy Thanksgiving , she didn't want people wishing her a happy anything.

At the front of the hospital she caught a taxi and asked them to take her home, she told them the address and as the car drove away she stared out the window. At first the driver tried to talk to her but she didn't talk back, she grunted a few times but she didn't want to have a conversation. After ten minutes the taxi stopped and the driver was telling her the fair, telling her to get out. She wasn't home though, the house she was in front of wasn't her own, not anymore, the house she was in front of was Meredith's.

She didn't know why she was there, well she must have told the driver to go there but she didn't know why. "Thanks," She handed the driver some money and climbed out the car.

Meredith's home was dark, it was 4am, the middle of the night, everyone inside was sleeping. Izzie walked up the stairs to the front door and pulled out her keys, she still had a key to the house; she let herself in and closed the door behind her. Once inside she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. She knew she was meant to lay down, meant to go to sleep, but she couldn't sleep without Alex, she needed him to rock her to sleep. Instead she began walking through the house, her feet made creaking noises on the floorboards, and after a few minutes she heard someone come up behind her.

"Izzie what are you doing here?" The voice belonged to Derek, and as she turned around she saw he was holding an umbrella.

"I…I don't know." The words caught in her mouth and Derek turned away.

"I'll go get Meredith." She heard him say as he walked up the stairs.

Alone in the house again, Izzie began to look around, everything was exactly the same as when she lived there, nothing had been moved. If she closed her eyes she could even see her and Alex there.

"Izzie." The sound of her name made her jump and she turned around. Now Meredith was with her. "What are you doing here?"

"I…I don't know." She didn't know why she was there, she wasn't meant to be there but she was. "Dr. Montgomery sent me home." It was an answer, it was half the reason.

"Oh, Iz." Meredith stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder; with a gentle push she began leading her through the house to the lounge room. "Why did she send you home?"

"Because," She sat down on the sofa and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I was bleeding. She said I needed to go home and rest. I don't know why I'm here; I don't know why the taxi brought me here."

"It's okay," Meredith soothed at her. "You can stay here, I don't mind." She reached over and took her hand; she squeezed it in her own. "How about we go upstairs, you can sleep in your old room."

She didn't say anything but she let Meredith pull her from the sofa and lead her up the stairs. She walked her into her old room and sat down on the bed beside her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

"No, yes, I don't know." She didn't want to talk, she never wanted to talk but when she did, it made her feel better. "Can you stay? I…I don't want to be alone."

"Sure," Meredith climbed over the bed and curled under the covers, both women curled under the covers and Meredith reached out for Izzie, she put an arm loosely around her body in an effort to hug her. "Izzie are you doing okay?" She began to ask, "We haven't had the chance to really talk for a while."

"Yeah," Izzie let out a sigh. "I just miss him is all. I miss him all the time but usually it's okay, usually I'm okay but not tonight, I didn't want to be alone tonight."

"I understand." She felt Meredith gently rub her arm.

She let out another sigh but she didn't say anything, instead she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. She couldn't sleep though, even with Meredith's presence beside her, even with another body in the bed it wasn't enough, it wasn't right. When she was sure Meredith was asleep she climbed from the bed and began walking down the hall. She walked into Alex's room.

His room wasn't like hers, Meredith hadn't kept it exactly the same, instead it was full of boxes but everything else was still there. On the floor beside the bed sat his old CD player. He'd told her he'd had it since he was a kid, he said it didn't look very cool but it still worked so that was all that mattered. She picked it up and sat it on her lap, she ran her fingers over the scratched surface of it and around the worn buttons. The play button had been pressed so many times you couldn't see it was a play button anymore. Carefully she pressed it one more time, she didn't know if it would work, she hadn't even looked to see if it was plugged in, let alone had a CD in it, she just pressed the button and after a second music started playing.

The sound brought a smile to her face; she knew the music back to front and sideways. It was Alex's music; it was the songs he played to her, that he would practice over and over until he got them right, until he worked out what he was doing.

She rested the CD player on the night stand and crawled into his bed. She turned the volume down so it was just a whisper and she closed her eyes. In her mind she tried to picture a time when Alex had played though the night, she tried to picture a time he was there, just sitting on a chair in the corner playing. He didn't do it too often, she'd told him she didn't like the music playing all night, not when she was trying to sleep but tonight she needed it. She needed something real that could help her pretend, help take her back, rock her into a dream world.


	47. Chapter 47

"Listen Iz, listen to the music." Alex voice broke into her dream. She couldn't see him this time, everything around her was dark but she could hear him, she could feel him, smell him. Everything about his energy felt real.

"Alex," She tried to reach up and touch him but she couldn't move. "Alex," Every muscle in her body was paralyzed, the feeling scared her she didn't understand it. And then she felt Alex's hand touch her face. He was so gentle with her.

"It's okay, Iz," he whispered to her, "just listen to the music." He let go of her and music began to fill her ears. It calmed her, rocked her into a deeper sleep.

-8-8-8-8-8-

_"Happy Thanksgiving." Izzie blinked her eyes open, to see Alex standing over her. She was laying on a bed at the hospital, one of the on call rooms it seemed like. "I made this for you."_

_He pulled out something from behind his back made of al-foil. She took one look at it and started laughing. "What is that supposed to be?" she asked._

_"It's a turkey." He handed it to her and sat down on the bed beside her. _

_"You made me a turkey?"_

_"Yeah." He lent forward and kissed her, he ran his hand through hair and pulled her closer to him. She giggled as they both fell back down on the bed. "Actually one of the kids in peads made it." He smiled before kissing her again. _

-8-8-8-8-8-

Her dreams drifted on, one after another, they made her happy, made her smile, she was enjoying the rest she was getting. In her dreams things were the way they were meant to be, everything was always safe, nice, she kept dreaming all night until she heard voices, voices raised a little louder than they should be.

"Meredith you need to get ready, we need to be at the airport in half an hour."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith blinked her eyes open, she'd fallen asleep in the guestroom with Izzie but Izzie wasn't there anymore. Derek was in the room though, he was fully dressed and looked like he was ready to leave the house.

"The airport, what?" She was half asleep and not quite sure what he was talking about.

"It's Thanksgiving, we're going to New York to see my family."

"Oh right," She'd completely forgot about their planed trip to New York, she'd been trying to block it from her mind, she didn't like the idea of meeting Derek's whole family. She pushed herself up in bed and ran her hand through her hair. "Is Izzie still here?"

"I think so, there was music coming from Alex's old room."

"Oh," She sat up further in the bed. She'd never been too keen on going to New York, it had been Derek's idea and she'd been doing it for him, she didn't have a good reason not to go but she did now. "I think I should stay here." She started saying, she paused and waited for Derek's reaction.

"What! Why?" He reacted, he wasn't happy but she didn't expect him to be.

"I want to stay with Izzie, she really needs someone right now."

"Right," There was a hint of understanding in his tone but he wasn't happy. "Why don't you give O'Malley a call, get him to come pick her up." He wanted her to go with him, he was offering solutions but they weren't right.

"I can't," There was no real reason why she couldn't call George other than she didn't want to. "She came here last night, here and you didn't see her. She's so lonely and depressed right now, she needs all her friends."

"But, we've been planning this for months. My sisters were looking forward to finally meeting you."

"I know and I'm sorry but I can't go. Just tell them what happened, they'll understand." She stood up and wrapped her arms around him, she gave him a kiss before pulling back and smiling. "You should probably get going or you'll miss your plane."

"What if I want to miss the plane?" There was a cheeky look in his eyes, she could tell what he was thinking, he was thinking of missing the entire thing but she didn't want him to do that. She was certain Izzie would struggle to cope and having Derek there would make it harder.

"You have to go. We'll never hear the end of it if we both don't show up."

"True." He lent forward and kissed her once more. "I guess I'll see you in a couple days." He smiled at her and started walking out the room. He'd made it to the top of the stairs before she went after him.

"Derek," She called. "I love you."

"I know," He stopped walking and turned back to her. "I love you too."

She smiled and watched him walk out the door. Those three words had never been something they'd said much to each other, they didn't need to but after Alex died things had changed, she wanted him to know because she couldn't help being afraid that it would happen again. She didn't want to feel the pain Izzie was feeling and some how this was her minds way of dealing with that.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie listened to the sound of footsteps down the stairs and the front door open and close. Derek was gone, she'd heard him talking to Meredith about going to New York, she'd heard Meredith say she had to stay. She pulled her blanket around her shoulders and closed her eyes again. She didn't want to get up, she wanted to spend the whole day in bed but she knew that wasn't going to happen. It wouldn't be long before Meredith would knock on the door and start talking her into getting up.

She'd tell her something about it being Thanksgiving and staying in bed all day wasn't what you were supposed to do. She'd tell her it wouldn't be what Alex would want her to do, that one always got her because she knew it was true. The last thing Alex would want her to do was wallow in self pity and depressions. Knowing that helped but it didn't make things easy, this was supposed to be their first holiday together as husband and wife and instead it was her first holiday without him.

"Iz," The knock on the door she was expecting came and Meredith slowly pushed it open. "Iz, are you awake?"

"Yeah," She let out a little sigh and opened her eyes . Meredith smiled at her and walked into the room.

"How are you feeling?" She sat down on the bed beside her and smiled again. "You had me worried there last night."

"I'm sorry," She pushed herself up in the bed so she was resting against the head board. "I'm okay. I was just having a bad night."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith tried to steer the conversation in the way she wanted, she tried to get Izzie to open up to her again and tell her what she was really thinking but she'd closed up. All she wanted to say was she was fine, she was okay. She could tell she wasn't okay though, Izzie was never really okay, and turning up at 4am unannounced was about as clear a sign as you could get that things weren't okay.

"I'm sorry I came, next time I'll just go home." Izzie told her, she didn't like the questions and she was starting to get defensive.

"That's not what I'm saying Iz, I'm glad you came. I just want you to talk to me."

"Talk about what?" Izzie glared at her. "That Alex is dead, that this was supposed to be our first holiday together and instead it's our first holiday apart. Do you want me to talk about how I'm pregnant, how I'm carrying his child and I spend every waking moment praying I'm not going to lose him too. Do you want me to talk about how, the only time I feel normal is when I'm working, when I'm standing in the OR I feel human. And now I've been told I can't do that, that I have to slow down or I'm going to lose him too. Do you want me to talk about that because I don't want to talk about it." The shaking in Izzie voice was obvious and by the time she finished there were tearing fighting their way out of her eyes.

"We don't have to talk if you don't want to." She pulled an arm around her and tried to comfort her. "But it's thanksgiving we should do something."

"I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is sleep."

-8-8-8-8-8-

She wanted to ignore the holiday, pretend it wasn't happening and if she couldn't work through it the next best thing was sleep, she could sleep through the holiday, or at least try to.

"You can sleep Iz but you've still got to eat something." That was Meredith's way of telling her sleeping all day wasn't an option. "How about we get a few more hours and then we go find somewhere to eat, maybe after we could watch some movies or something."

She thought about what Meredith was suggesting, her plan wasn't for a party, for a celebration, it was just normal boring stuff, she might be able to handle normal boring stuff. "Okay." She nodded her head in acceptance of the suggestion and lay back down. She rolled over and hit the play button on the CD player and pulled the covers around her. "I'm going to go back to sleep now." She told Meredith and then she closed her eyes, she listened to the sound of her walking out the room and then she let herself drift off to the sound of the music.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Happy Thanksgiving," Alex's voice broke into her dream. She opened her eyes and saw him standing over her. He smiled at her and she felt his hand wrap around hers and the other run along the side of her face. "It sucks that we're stuck in here for the holiday. We were supposed to do something special this year."

She heard him say before letting go of her hand and laying down beside her. It took a minute for her to work out where they were and then she realized they were in the hospital again.

"It's alright, we'll have a big feast next year. And we'll have our little girl to celebrate with us too. We'll have a big feast next year, with turkey, and roasted vegetable, and pumpkin pie. Next year we'll celebrate properly."

The thought of a feast made her smile; the thought of a feast with Alex made her smile more. She tightened her grip around his hand and then her eyes began to drift shut_. _

_When she opened them again the hospital was gone and instead she was laying down at a beach. She sat up and looked around, she recognized this beach, it was the one Alex had talked about going to for their honeymoon. They'd never got there though; it was too far away for the two days they had to honeymoon. They settled for the log cabin, it was close and really as long as they were together it didn't really matter where they were. That was her argument, the truth was she had a thing for cabins, Alex though he never really stopped talking about that beach. He wanted to go there for their anniversary, he said it was beautiful and now that she was there she had to agree with him._

_The beach was beautiful and she couldn't believe she was there. She looked up the beach and began searching for Alex, he had to be there somewhere and after some looking she finally saw him walking toward her carry two drinks in his hands._

_"Sorry I took so long," He said handing her a drink. "The line at the bar was crazy."_

_"Thanks," She took a sip of the green drink with an umbrella in it. She didn't know what is was and she wasn't game enough to ask. It tasted alright though so that was all that mattered. She lent back down in the sand and closed her eyes. "Alex why are we hear?"_

_"Because you want to be." He lent forward and began running his fingers along her abdomen. She slipped her straw into her mouth and sucked down the rest of the drink. When the glass was empty she dropped it to the ground and pulled Alex closer. _

_"I just what to be where you are." She whispered and that was the last thing she said before Alex's mouth cut her off. _


	48. Chapter 48

Meredith walked out the room and back to her bedroom. She climbed into her bed, it was still warm from where Derek had been sleeping and she lay down. She needed the extra sleep as much as Izzie did the last few hours had been strange and intense. She hadn't expected Izzie to just show up in the middle of the night and she hadn't expected the reaction from her that she got. Not that she knew what she was expecting, with Izzie it was hard to tell, sometimes she wanted to talk and other times she would do anything to avoid it. Today was one of those days, it was Thanksgiving and Izzie wanted to avoid it. She couldn't really blame her, she always wanted to avoid Thanksgiving but with Izzie it was different. Izzie loved the holiday, she'd said once it was her favorite day of the year but not this year. This year it was breaking her, ripping open wounds which had hardly closed. There was nothing she could do about it though, she couldn't make Izzie happy and she didn't really want to, she just wanted her not to hurt herself.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie let her dream world take her away, she went from beaches, to picnics, to star gazing, and back again, she went everywhere, including the hospital. The dreams she had there were brief, merely moments at times where she would gaze into Alex's eyes and try to reach out for him, she would want to touch him but never be able to. In those dreams she couldn't move even when she wanted to and she found herself longing for him to touch her. He usually did, he'd squeeze her hand or run his thumb along her cheek, he'd tuck her hair behind her ear and lay down next to her. She didn't like those dreams so much, there was a powerlessness about the way she felt in them but Alex was always there and she liked being with him, he felt different in those dreams, it was almost as if her powerlessness gave him strength brought him closer to her. She was having one of those dreams when Meredith's voice crept in asking if she was awake.

She blinked her eyes open and saw her standing in the doorway. She was no longer wearing the sweat pants and t-shirt she'd worn earlier, instead she had a pair of jeans and a lavender shirt on.

"Yeah," She sat up in the bed a little and rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Nearly two o'clock." Meredith stepped forward into the room and she could now see she was carrying two mugs of coffee. "You've been sleeping for hours. I didn't want to wake you but I'm starving so I thought maybe we should get some food, you need to eat something."

"Yeah," She wasn't going to argue with Meredith this time, she'd let her sleep much longer than she was expecting and now that she was awake she was kind of hungry. She couldn't remember when the last meal she'd had was and that wasn't a good thing. Right now she couldn't afford to start losing weight again. She took the mug of coffee and brought it to her lips. It had been a long time since she'd drunk coffee, she wasn't really supposed to drink it but now that it was in front of her she couldn't deny her body of it. She took a sip and let the warm liquid run through her, it warmed her from the inside out and made her feel better.

"Iz," Meredith was talking to her again. "Have you given any thought to where you might like to eat?"

"No," She hadn't thought about food yet, she didn't really care where they ate, "Somewhere where I can keep pretending."

"Pretending?"

"That it's not Thanksgiving."

"Oh," Meredith gave her a smile, she couldn't tell if she understood her logic but she didn't argue with it. "I think there is a Thai restaurant a few blocks away that hasn't gone too heavy on the decorations."

"Okay," She liked the sound of a Thai restaurant, it was far enough away from the traditional Thanksgiving meal that she might be able to convince herself it was just any other day, that she wasn't supposed to be celebrating.

She took another sip of her coffee and they both sat there silently drinking. Neither one of them tried to push a conversation, not that she blamed Meredith for keeping her mouth shut, she'd kind of bit her head off earlier when she tried to get her to talk. Silence was easier and when she'd finished drinking she placed the mug on the bedside table.

"I think I'll go have a shower now and get…" She was going to say changed but she realized half way through the sentence she didn't bring any clothes with her. Meredith seemed to read what she was thinking though.

"You left some clothes in the bottom draw in your old room." She told her.

"Thanks," She got up and walked out the room. She headed towards the bathroom, she'd have a shower and get freshened up and then try and face the world again.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-

The Thai restaurant was a little more than a hole in the wall. There was maybe half a dozen small tables set up in two long rows. They were the only ones there, well them and the owners, the owners sat at a table at the back they looked to be having a bit of a family feast and had been totally surprised when they'd walked in.

"I'm sorry are you closed?" Meredith had actually asked them.

"No, we're open," the owner had jumped up and said. He'd picked up menus for them let them choose their table. He was a nice old man, he took their orders and basically left them alone, he didn't try to make small talk with them, not once he picked up their obvious vibe that they didn't want to talk.

Now they were half way through eating their main meals and the energy between them had some what relaxed. At first it was a little tense and awkward, there was a need for conversation, they didn't want to just sit there silently but they didn't know what to say. Meredith wasn't going to ask Izzie how she was, she didn't want to risk another out burst and she didn't think she could stand her telling her she was okay again. If Izzie wanted to talk she would, but she didn't want to, not about that.

They talked about work instead, about what was going on at the hospital. There was a lot going on there, the NICU was being renovated much to Izzie's delight and Meredith had got her nose in on another clinical trial. Medically speaking it was an exciting time to be working at Seattle Grace. They'd been talking work for half an hour before Meredith felt game enough to broach the topic.

"Izzie, have you thought about what you're going to do next year?"

She was asking the question on a purely medical career wise basis. They were both in the final year of their residency and they needed to start thinking about what was going to happen next. It was that time of year where they needed to start looking at fellowship application and work out what they wanted to do, where they wanted to take their careers.

"No," The question caught Izzie off guard. She hadn't really thought about next year, about what would happen after her son was born, after her residency finished. She'd avoided thinking about those things because to do that was to make plans and if plans were made thing could happen to mess with them. Before Alex had died she'd had a plan, they had a plan to finish their residencies together, and apply for fellowships in Seattle. There had been no plan for children just yet, just each other and their careers'. That plan was no longer in existence though, Alex was gone and she was having a child.

"I was looking at fellowships last week," Meredith started talking breaking into her thoughts. "I saw this one in New York which I thought you might be interested in." She picked up her hand bag and pulled out some papers. She pushed them across the table to her. "It's at New York General working under Dr. Bower. He's the one who…"

"I know who he is." She recognized the name; Dr. Bower was a legend in peri-natal surgery. He'd been the one to train Dr. Montgomery, teach her everything she knew. She picked the papers up and began examining them, the opportunity was there for her taking, without plans she could make plans.

"I think it would be a good opportunity for you." Meredith started talking again.

"Yeah," She was still turning the thoughts through her head, leaving Seattle had never crossed her mind, it was her home but the opportunity was there and now there was little tying her to the city. "Thanks," she picked the papers up and shoved them in her bag, it was something she'd keep thinking about.


	49. Chapter 49

Getting through thanksgiving was hard but with Meredith's help she got through it. She survived the day and it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. After dinner they went back to Meredith's and watched surgery videos, there was something detaching and fascinating about them which calmed her and made her feel better. That night she slept well too, kind of, she fell asleep on the sofa watching the movies and Meredith left her there with a blanket over her. That night she dreamed about the hospital, about surgeries and cutting, she didn't seem to be in the dream, it was more like she was watching it, watching Alex and Meredith, they seemed to be shearing a patient who they were quite worried about. It didn't seem to make sense to her but she couldn't turn away from it, make it stop, Alex was there and he was doing what he did best, he was being a doctor and she hadn't seem him do that in long time. When the dream finally ended, when she woke up, it was to the sound of Meredith's voice asking her if she was awake, if she wanted some coffee.

"No thanks," She pushed herself up in the sofa and rubbed her eyes, she was awake and feeling really good, she didn't need coffee, that had been a luxury to help her through a bad day she didn't need any just yet. "Do you have any juice?"

"Yeah I think so."

Meredith disappeared from the room and returned a few minutes later with a glass of juice and a mug of coffee for herself.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asked her. "You fell asleep during the movie and I didn't want to wake you."

"Yeah, I slept well," She didn't elaborate any further, she didn't want to talk about the dream, she couldn't make sense of it and she didn't want to listen to Meredith's explanation of it, the dream was personal. But she needed to talk about something, she didn't know how to do the comfortable silence anymore, there was always that feeling she needed to say something. "Can you take me home later?" She asked.

"Sure." Meredith smiled at her. "What do you need from there?"

"Nothing," She didn't need anything from home she just wanted to go there. "I just think I should go home. You've been so great and I don't want to impose anymore."

"Iz," Meredith looked at her like she was shocked. "You're my friend not an imposition. If you want to go home I can take you but you don't have to leave. Derek is in New York all weekend, we can do what ever you want, I'm all yours."

"Thanks," She gave what she hoped looked like a genuine smile. "I want to go home for a bit but we can do something else after."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie arrived with Meredith at the front door of her home just as the phone stared ringing. She fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door.

"I'm going to have a shower," she said walking into the house. "Make yourself a home, I'll be back in a little bit." She kept walking into her home towards her bedroom, she didn't pause for the phone, she made no indication that she even heard it.

"Iz aren't you going to get the phone?" Meredith asked the question from somewhere behind her.

"No," She kept walking, she knew who was phoning and she didn't want to talk to them, she'd been ignoring them for weeks and she planned to keep doing it.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith listened as the answering machine clicked on and Alex's voice filled the house.

_"Hello! ...Oh hey, it's Alex…Actually, we're not home, leave a message after the tone." _

The answering machine clicked over and a woman's voice filled the room.

"Hi this is Alice from Portrait Palace. Can you please give us a phone call the proofs for your wedding are sitting here waiting for you to view?"

The answering machine clicked off and the house went quiet again, the only noise came from running water somewhere deep in the house. Meredith walked further into the house and headed towards the kitchen. She was going to delete the message for Izzie, she didn't need to keep it she could pass the message on. When she reached the kitchen though, when she stood beside the machine she realized it wasn't the first message on the machine. The blinking light showed that there were thirty new messages.

"Wow," Meredith thought to herself and out of curiosity she pressed the play button. One by one she began listening to the messages, every single one of them was from the wedding photographers.

"Meredith what are you doing?"

She hadn't heard Izzie's footsteps down the hallway but when she turned around she saw her standing in the doorway. She'd showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with the word Iowa blazed across the front of it. The top had obviously belonged to Alex at some point.

"I was listening to your messages, the Portrait Palace phoned."

"I know." She walked into the room and sat down on one of the dinning chairs. "They always phone, they want me to go look at the photos but I can't bring myself to do it."

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Oh," Meredith gave her a concerned look and sat down on one of the other chairs. "Iz, you should look at your photos." She started telling her. "You were so beautiful that day, you and Alex, you'll want to remember that, you'll want something to show your child."

"I know," She let out a sigh, she knew everything Meredith was saying was true, at some point she needed to get her photos but so far she hadn't been able to. She didn't think she could look at them without crying and she'd been working hard on not doing that so much. "I just can't do it. The thought of seeing them scares me, I'm afraid of how it'll make me feel."

"I understand." Meredith offered her a smile. "I get that it's scary and seeing them will hurt. I can't imagine how much that would hurt Iz, but you've got to do it. We could do it together." Meredith offered her another smile. She wanted her to do it, she thought it was important she could see that. "I could give them a phone call for you, maybe we could go in this afternoon."

"Yeah," She tried to smile. She didn't want to look at the photos but Meredith already had it in her head that it would be a good idea. She didn't really know what to do, they didn't have anything else planed.

"We don't have to go Iz but it might not be as bad as you think, and if it is, we've got two days to recover."

-8-8-8-8-8-

She didn't know how Meredith did it but some how she convinced her that going to the photographers was a good idea. She convinced her that today was the best day and now they were standing in front of the building. She was nervous, she could feel her heart rate starting to increase, she didn't want to be there, but she was and she wasn't going to run away.

"I'm right here with you." Meredith's voice came from beside her.

She turned to smile at her and then pushed the door open, she walked inside and slowly began to exhale. The last time she'd been there was with Alex when they'd placed the deposit on the photos.

"Hello can I help you?" A young woman behind the counter asked.

"Yes I have an appointment to look at some photos." The words came from her mouth in a confidence she was not expecting.

"Okay what name was the appointment under?"

"Karev."

The woman scanned down her booking sheet until she found the name. "Oh Mrs. Karev we've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks. Did you and Mr. Karev take a bit of an extended honeymoon?"

The woman looked at her with a smile, she didn't know what had happened, she wasn't meaning to be insensitive but the question caught her totally off guard. "Umm…yeah." She said out of reflex and the woman kept smiling at her.

"Where is Mr. Karev usually couples come together to look at these."

"He umm…" The knot which had been forming in her stomach seemed to get bigger and twist. "Where is your bathroom? I think I'm going to be sick." She placed a hand over her mouth and told herself just to hold it in.

"First door on the right." The woman said pointing down a hallway to the side, and then she took off at a run.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith watched Izzie run off down the hallway, and turned to look at the woman. "Mr. Karev was killed in a car accident." She told the woman. "Please don't' ask her anymore questions, getting her here was hard enough."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." The woman looked like a child who had just been told off. "I'm going to go find Cindy let her know that you're here."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie turned the taps on at the hand basin and began splashing water over her face. She wasn't expecting the onslaught of questions, they'd caught her off guard and sent shock waves through her.

"Iz are you okay?" She hadn't heard the door open but somehow Meredith had made her way inside.

"Yeah, it was just some morning sickness. I'm okay now." She smiled as best she could and hoped Meredith would buy it. As well intentioned as her friends questioning was right now she didn't want to do it.

"Okay," Meredith didn't ask her anymore. "Are you ready to go back? That woman is gone she went to find the person we need to speak to."

"Yeah I guess." She wiped her face with a paper towel and tried to smile. She was going to do this and the sooner it started the better.

They walked back to the foyer where they found another woman waiting for them. "I'm Cindy," The woman said holding out her hand in way of introduction. "And you're Isobel and…" she looked over at Meredith unsure of who she was.

"Meredith."

"It's nice to meet you." She shook both their hands and smiled. "Follow me, I'll take you to our viewing room so you can sit down and look at your photos."

The woman walked them into a small conference type room, there was a table in the middle and four nice chairs sitting around it, in one corner was a fake fern of some description and a window which faced out into a courtyard.

Izzie and Meredith sat down in two of the chairs and the woman placed at large black folder on the table in front of them.

"In there are all your proofs," she started telling them. "You've already paid the deposit on a photobook and a collage wall hanging. You need to pick fifty photos for the book and five for the collage. If you would like any additional photos they can be added to the order, and you can also purchase an entire set of proofs."

"Okay," Izzie nodded at the woman as she talked, she was only half listening to her. For the most part she was staring at the album, she wanted to look inside of it but she was so nervous, so scared of what would happen to her once she did.

"I'm going to leave you here for a bit to look through them. If you need anything ask Alice at the front."

Izzie watched the woman leave the room, she turned to Meredith and she tried to smile.

"You can do this." She told her. "It won't be as bad as you think."

"Yeah?" She wasn't so sure about that but she wasn't going to argue. She needed Meredith to stay with her. "Okay."

She reached for the album and pulled it towards her, she ran her fingers along the edge of it and took a deep breath. She was trying to brace herself for whatever she was about to feel, for whatever emotion was about to over come her. "Okay," she said to herself and she opened the album.

"Oh my god," the words came out of her mouth in barely a whisper. She was staring at a photo of their first kiss, the one they'd done on the alter in front of everyone. They'd captured the moment when Alex has grabbed hold of her and they'd both closed their eyes. The light was shining down on them in such a way they looked like they were glowing.

"It's beautiful." Meredith whispered to her.

"Yeah," She couldn't believe how beautiful it was. With her fingers she reached down and touched it, it was real, it was really there and slowly the tears began to run down her face.

Her wedding photos were beautiful, every single one of them captured the moment in just the right light, at just the right angel, they'd paid a lot for the photographer but they'd got their moneys worth.

For two hours she turned the pages of the album, she looked at the photos over and over. The more she looked the more she cried, but they also made her smile and laugh. There was no doubt she had been happy when they were taken, there was a light in both her and Alex's eyes in every single shot and smiles which looked as genuine as they could get.

That day had been the happiest day of her life and as much as it hurt to be reminded of what could have been, remembering what they had was beautiful, remembering it and the way she felt made her feel good.

"How am I supposed to choose?" She was talking about the photos, there were hundreds of beautiful photos, she didn't know how she was supposed to pick fifty of them, let alone the five to go on a wall hanging.

"I don't know, just go with your gut." Meredith's suggestion made her laugh a little.

"My gut say I should take them all but I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because," She paused for a moment before continuing. "I can't afford to."

She hadn't talked to anyone about money, no one had asked her and she hadn't volunteered the information but the truth was she was doing it though. Alex hadn't expected to die, he thought he would live forever and she'd thought that too, neither one of them had much as far as life insurance went. The money she'd got all went to paying off his massive student loan. There was nothing left over, and she was struggling. When they brought their home they'd worked it out carefully they could afford it together but on her own it was too much. She could barely afford the photos she'd agreed to buy, getting more was out of the question.

"Help me choose."

Meredith pulled her chair up closer to Izzie's and together they began pouring over the album again. This time they pulled out photos, they marked the ones they thought they wanted and they slowly got the pile of photos down to fifty.

"You did good Iz," Meredith told her when they picked their last photo. It had taken a long time but they'd worked it out and she was happy.

"Yeah, it was good." She smiled, she felt really good about what she'd done, what she'd managed to accomplish, the photos had been something she'd been avoiding for a long time but it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. In fact she felt better than she had in a long time, she was starting to feel tried and drained but inside of herself she felt really good. "Do you want to get something to eat, I'm kind of hungry."

They finished off with the photo place as fast as they could, Izzie handed over her credit card and paid more money towards the photo package and they went back to the car. They were just about to leave when Meredith remembered something.

"I think I left my phone inside." She said and she ran back in.


	50. Chapter 50

After Thanksgiving the days speed by. The month of December disappeared in a flash, the days seemed to mesh into a mess of work and sleep. Izzie kept the same routine she'd had before the holiday but there was just more sleep, more rest and relaxation. She didn't have another scare and she worked her way through Christmas. She avoided the holiday by taking two days off before it, she did the same thing for New Year and now it was the second week of January, it was her birthday. She hadn't told anyone, all her friends knew when her birthday was but she hadn't mentioned it, she hadn't reminded them and she was hoping they'd forget. She didn't want to do any celebration or party with her friends. She'd never done anything with them in the past, other than a 'happy birthday' that is. Celebrating her birthday was always left to Alex, he always did something for her and she wanted to do that again. She was hoping to go home early and get some sleep. She was certain if she went to sleep she could do something with Alex. She always did things with Alex when she was asleep and every day the things she did seemed to become more and more vivid. At times her dreams seemed more real than her reality, she couldn't explain it but she didn't really care, it didn't need to be explained, it simply happening was good enough.

Now though she was sitting at a table by herself in the cafeteria, on her tray sat a large ham and roast beef sandwich. She didn't really want to eat it, she didn't like the feeling of bread in her mouth but she'd been told she needed more protein and carbohydrates, she needed to eat more. She was used to hearing that, she'd been getting the same message every week for as long as she could remember. And she was eating ,she felt like she was eating a lot, sometimes it felt like she was always putting food in her mouth but she still hadn't put on enough weight. Her baby was still smaller than they should be but everything else seemed to be normal. Every blood test she'd had taken and every ultrasound she'd had done hadn't picked up any signs of birth defects and she'd had a lot of both done. She'd been using herself as a teaching tool, letting interns practice performing ultrasounds on her. They weren't very good at it for the most part but she could guide them through it and she knew what to look for. She knew her baby was small even though only one intern had the guts to tell her.

"Izzie," she looked up saw George sitting down at the table with her. "Are you going to eat that sandwich or stare at it all day?"

"Eat it I guess." She lifted it up and took a bite of it. The sensation in her mouth was worse than she was expecting, her face screwed up and it took every ounce of her concentration to swallow.

"Not very good?" George asked and he dug his fork into the salad he'd brought.

"It tastes like cardboard." She put the sandwich back on her tray and went back to staring at it. She needed to eat it but she needed to make it taste better. She glanced over a George's tray, as well as the salad he'd brought a chocolate pudding and a bag of crisps. She reached for his pudding and pulled the top off it. She brought it to her nose and smelt it, it smelt good and then she poured it over her sandwich.

"Izzie what are you doing?" There was a shocked tone to George's voice.

"Making it taste better." She picked the sandwich up and bit into it again. The gooey chocolate taste seemed to soften the bread and it mixed with the tastes of the meat and salad in a way she had never tasted before. It tasted good, at least in that instant it tasted good and she kept eating.

"Izzie what are you eating?" She looked up and saw Meredith and Cristina joining them at the table.

"A sandwich." She bit into it again as if eating a sandwich covered in chocolate pudding was as normal as anything else.

"I can see that but what did you put on it?"

"Chocolate pudding." She bit into it again and smiled. "It tastes good. Do you want to try some?"

"I think I'll stick to the salad." Meredith smiled at her and for a minute they all sat in silence, consumed by the food they were eating.

"So Izzie," Meredith started talking to her. "I was checking the rosters and you have tonight off. I think you should come to Joe's with us for drink."

"I can't drink." The response was almost automatic, it was the same excuse she'd been using for months to avoid socializing in public.

"I wasn't suggesting you drink alcohol, Joe does serve non-alcoholic drinks." Meredith smiled at her. "It is your birthday, you should do something."

"Oh," She took another bite of her sandwich and slowly began to chew; as she did she felt the lump in her throat beginning to form. "I don't want to do something. I was going to have an early night and get some sleep. I've been really tired these last few days."

"We don't have to stay late. Just one drink." Meredith smiled at her again. "We've brought you a present. We'd like to give it to you."

"Oh," she slipped the last of her sandwich in her mouth and tried to use eating as a distraction. "You didn't have to do that."

"We know, we wanted to." Meredith smiled and she watched as the others nodded along. "Just one drink? I'll take you home afterwards."

"Okay," She'd do this one thing for her friends; they'd done so many things for her. "Just one drink." And then she reached for the pudding on Meredith's try and began eating that that as well.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-

It was late by the time Izzie was ready to leave the hospital, one of her patients had started crashing and she hadn't wanted to leave them until she was sure they were stable. It had taken longer than she was expecting but in the end she'd worked it out, for now everything was okay and she was leaving. She threw her bag over her shoulder and walked out the hospital, it was a cold night and she pulled her jacket tightly around her, she shivered and thought seriously for a moment about going home but she'd told her friends she would meet them at bar. Reluctantly she walked across the street and toward The Emerald City.

It had been months since she'd been to the bar, she hadn't set foot in there since night she fainted, it wasn't her favorite place to be the smell made her feel nauseas. She was going there tonight though; she walked in the front door and searched for her friends. It only took a moment for her to find them sitting in booth by the side.

"Izzie!" George cried as she arrived beside the table. "Where have you been? Take a seat. I'll go get you a drink." He slipped out the booth and she slipped in.

She smiled at Meredith and Cristina who sat opposite her and she sat her bag beside her. "Sorry I'm late, I got caught up with a case."

"That's okay." Meredith kept smiling. "I'm glad you came, I was afraid you might have gone home."

"I thought about it." Subconsciously she rested her hands on her abdomen and closed her eyes. "I've been so tired but I said I'd come so hear I am." She plastered the biggest smile she could across her face, she held it for a second and then she started laughing, it was the fatigue, her emotions were on the edge. Meredith and Cristina started laughing too and they were still laughing when George came back carrying the drinks.

"What's so funny?" he asked sitting down beside Izzie.

"I don't know." She sucked in a breath and then looked at the drink George had brought her. It was a bright red drink in a glass which would normally be used to serve a vodka mix, the sight of it made her laugh harder. "What is that?"

"It's raspberry with lemonade, heavy on the raspberry." He smiled at her. "I thought if you can't get drunk maybe you can get hyper."

"Hyper?" She bit back more of a laugh.

"Yeah you know red food coloring makes the kids all go hyperactive anyway."

"Oh right." She picked up the drink and brought it to her mouth, it smelt strong and it tasted even stronger. It took a great deal of concentration for her not to spit the drink across the table. "No kidding bout the raspberry." She coughed and spluttered sitting the drink back on the table.

"It can't be that bad?" George picked the drink up and took a sip. Izzie wasn't kidding the raspberry taste was over powering. He screwed up his face and reached for his beer he needed something to rinse away the taste.

"Seriously?" Cristina reached for the drink and took a sip. "Erk!" She rested the drink on the table and turned to Meredith. She was now the only one on the table who hadn't tried the drink.

"I'm not tasting that." She said looking at everyone on the table. "I believe you, I'm sure it tastes horrible." They all looked back at her and then they started laughing harder. They all laughed until they started coughing, until they couldn't actually remember why they were laughing and then they laughed because they didn't know why they were laughing and then the coughing started again and Izzie let out a sigh.

"It's getting late guys." She said pointing to her watch. She'd been having fun, she'd been enjoying herself but she needed sleep and wanted to get home. She didn't want to flat out say it but she knew they had something for her and she wanted them to give it to her.

Meredith looked down at her watch too. "Wow it is getting late." She reached down under the table with one hand she pulled up a gift bag. "I guess we should give this to you then. It is from all of us. Happy Birthday."

The gift bag was pink and had paper sticking out the top of it, from the way Meredith handled it, it looked like it had a bit of weight to it.

"You guys didn't have to get me something." She said taking the bag.

"We know, we wanted to." Meredith smiled at her, she wanted her to open the bag, she could tell by the look she was giving her she wanted to see her face, her reaction.

Slowly she pulled the paper out the bag and reached inside. She wrapped her hand around the firm, hard, leatherette textured book, as soon as she was touching it she knew what it was. "Oh my god, Meredith." She whispered under her breath and she pulled out the large black photo album she had seen weeks before. "Thank you." She didn't know what else to say, she wasn't expecting it, when Meredith had told her they'd got her a present she wasn't expecting this, she wasn't expecting anything so grand. She started shaking and tears began to run down her face. She felt George wrap his arm around her and she began sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she began saying. "I'm sorry, I'm crying, it's just…"

"Overwhelming." Meredith finished the sentence for her and reached over the table, she rested a hand on her arm. "It's okay, we get it. You can cry if you want to and you don't even have to look at it but I saw how much you wanted it. I saw how much you wanted to have it."

"Thank you."It was all she could say. Meredith was right, she didn't want to look at it right then but having it brought a warm feeling to her.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-

They stayed at the bar for another fifteen, twenty minutes after the present was given, just long enough for them to finish their drinks and Izzie to kind of stop crying. She still had tears running down her face when Meredith dropped her home but she was happy in a way. What Meredith said was right, she wanted the book, she wanted to have the photos but she didn't want to look at them, not in that instant. Instead she walked into her bedroom and sat the book on the bedside table. She changed into a pair sweat pants and a t-shirt and crawled into bed. She took the book with her, she rested it on the mattress beside her and she began running her fingers across the textured cover, she didn't open it though, instead she whispered quietly.

"Alex it's my birthday, come take me somewhere."

Then she closed her eyes and waited for it to happen. It didn't take long now; she'd almost mastered the art of falling asleep, of reaching her dream world. It only took a few minutes for reality to slip away and for her dreams to take over. That was one of the things she liked most about her new routine, about the extra rest and relaxation she had to do. She liked her dreams and she didn't feel guilty for having them. Her councilor had told her it was okay to dream about him, that is was okay for her to want to dream about him. It was okay as long as she didn't let it control her, as long as she realized it wasn't real, that she couldn't stay there, that they were only dreams, she had to keep living. She understood that and to the best of her ability that was what she was doing.

"Happy birthday Iz," Alex's voice whispered soft and sweet into her ear. She opened her eyes to see which world she was in this time. She smiled when she realized where she was, she was back in the room, the room she thought might be a hospital room, but she wasn't sure, it didn't feel like the hospital rooms she was used to but it did as well. This was the world where she felt closest to Alex where he felt the strongest, where his energy seemed to over power her own. She always felt helpless in this world, at first it had scared her, she didn't like the feeling of paralysis which seemed to over come her, she didn't like the feeling of not being able to talk, she didn't talk in this world, sometimes she tried but she was never heard, the only sound was in her head. But Alex could read her, he could always tell what she wanted, what she needed to hear, and he was always there holding her, telling her it would be okay, telling her he was right there with her and everything would be okay.

"I baked you a cake." He smiled and he pulled out the smallest cake she had ever seen, it looked more like a cupcake than a cake and it was covered in cream and frosting. She smiled at the sight, she loved that Alex always baked her a cake, he never managed to make one that tasted good but the thought was always there, he always tried. "The frosting is pretty good."

He ran his finger through the frosting and smiled. He slipped some of it into his own mouth and then scooped a second bit; he lent over closer to her and ran his finger along her lips. She opened her mouth a little and he slipped his finger inside. The sweet taste of the frosting filled her mouth and she found herself sucking on his finger. She wanted more and he obliged, he filled her mouth with frosting and she couldn't help but smile.

"I love you." He whispered to her when all the frosting was gone, when all that remained was the brown lump pretending to be a cake. She smiled up at him and tried to reach out and touch him, she could never move the way she wanted to in this world though but Alex saw what she wanted. He picked up her hand and rested it against his cheek, he held it there so she could feel his warmth and then he lent in and kissed her. She let out a soft almost inaudible moan as he pulled away, she didn't want him to go but he wasn't going anywhere. He lay down on the bed beside her and pulled his body tight against hers, he ran his fingers gently through her hair, laying like this the world seemed to slip away again and soon she was star gazing.

She was laying under a canopy of stars with Alex, and he was telling her all about them, he was telling her what the stars meant, where they were, who they were. They would watch for shooting stars and when they'd go over she would feel a warm feeling rush through her and for a moment she would go back to the other world, these times she wouldn't stay there long, just long enough for Alex to kiss her, then they would be star gazing again or on a beach laying out in the sun.

All night she slipped from world to world, over and over she celebrated her birthday with Alex. By the time morning came she had celebrated her birthday in almost every way possible and she felt great. The dreams even though they were full of action invigorated her; they made her feel good and gave her the energy she needed to get through another day. When morning came she pulled herself out of bed, she showered, ate breakfast and went to work.


	51. Chapter 51

Two days had past since Izzie's birthday and today she was enjoying her day off. It was supposed to be a day of relaxation but she got bored with that after a few hours, there was only so long she could sleep, even with her dreams there was a limit to it. Now she was sitting at her dinning table with fellowship applications spread out in front of her. They were all due at the end of the week which meant she needed to get them finalized and in the mail today. There were six of them in total, one for each of the major hospitals in Seattle as well as one in Huston, one in Miami, and the one in New York Meredith had told her about. The New York one was the one she wanted, more than anything she wanted that one, the others were just her safeties. The Huston and Miami ones incase she still needed to leave the city, the Mercy West, and Seattle Presbyterian ones incase she couldn't leave the city but needed a new hospital and the Seattle Grace one because she couldn't get safer than home. Dr. Montgomery had all but told her she would get a fellowship there, the other hospitals weren't so certain but she was hopeful. Dr. Montgomery had written her the most amazing recommendation letter, reading it had almost brought her to tears and when she'd approached her to say thank you she'd almost cried again. She blamed the hormones and everything for the display of waterworks; Addison just smiled at her and changed the subject.

She needed more than a good recommendation letter though; she needed to ace the applications. Some of the questions were hard though, they didn't just want her to talk about the medicine, they didn't just want to know about what she'd achieved medically, they wanted to know about her, about what made her a great doctor. She didn't know how to describe that, she didn't know how to talk about herself and she didn't want to. She didn't want to get too personal.

"Okay," She said to herself. She picked up her pen and she started to write. She tried to answer the questions without getting personal but that wasn't the point of the questions and to write a truly great answer it wasn't possible. Reluctantly she began writing about why she wanted to be a doctor, she began writing about her experience leading up to her decision, about the moment she knew that was what she wanted. She avoided writing about the last five months; she didn't want to be the woman with the dead husband when she arrived in her new city. She tired to convince herself that it wasn't important, she'd been a great doctor before then, it didn't make her a great doctor now. She didn't want that to be what defined her but at the same time, what had happened played a great deal in making her the person she was now. It had changed her and she was still trying to work out how.

"I can't do this." She said to herself after another half hour of trying to write something amazing. It wasn't coming out the way she wanted it to and she couldn't seem to word what she wanted to say. She needed a break so she slowly stood up and began walking towards the kitchen. As she stood she felt a slight twinge in her back, a dull ache which she knew would only get worse over time. She was getting bigger now and hiding her pregnancy was almost impossible. With a big enough pair of scrubs she could conceal it from some people, she was still a lot smaller than most women at twenty weeks but there were some people, mainly the expectant mothers she was working with all day who could see it written all over her. One woman said she could tell because it looked like her face was glowing, another picked it by the hand she seemed to be placing on her back all time. It had surprised her the first time one of her patients had said something to her, at first she wasn't sure how to respond because it wasn't something she was talking about a lot, but then she'd worked out how to use it to her advantage.

Often the women asked her if her baby was healthy, there was often a slight bitter tone to their voices, the women she worked with didn't have healthy babies. Her baby wasn't one hundred percent healthy though, he was small and while she was trying to ignore it because everything else seemed fine it was still a concern. She talked to the women about her own fears and it seemed to calm some of them, it seemed to give her an extra level to communicate with them on. She couldn't explain that in words though, not words the people reading her application form would understand.

In the kitchen she opened the fridge and pulled out the block of cheese, she cut herself a large slice and lent back against the counter to eat it. She let out a slow breath and tried to get her head around what she was doing, what she needed to do to get the job done. She rested one of her hands against the small mound of her belly and began rubbing large circles over it.

"I'm doing this for you." She started saying. "I'm soughing myself out for you."

She rest her hand on her belly and closed her eyes, she tried to visualize her baby inside of her, her little Alex. That's what she sometimes called him, she was certain she was having a boy, on some level it was almost like he was his father reincarnated, she sometimes liked to think this was Alex's of way of always being with her, of making sure she wasn't alone. She tried to picture him moving, almost will him to move. He moved a lot, when she had the ultrasounds there was always movement, sometimes it was hard to get a good reading, but she hadn't felt it yet, she hadn't felt him move. With her eyes closed she tried to picture it and then she did feel it. Like something churning in her stomach but the feeling wasn't unpleasant, it was amazing. A smile began to creep over her face and she waited to feel it again. A minute later she felt it again and she almost wanted to jump out of her skin. She was excited and a warm feeling began to run through her, she wanted to tell someone but then she realized there was no one else there.

She grabbed her phone and started dialing numbers, no one answered though, everyone was busy. In that instant she felt alone but she still couldn't shake the warm feeling and the need to share this with someone. She cut herself another piece of cheese and walked into her front room. She lay down on her sofa, she wasn't really tired but she thought maybe she'd be able to reach Alex if just tried. She closed her eyes and willed herself to Alex.

-8-8-8-8-

_When she thought about it hard, when she wanted it, it didn't take long for her reach Alex. _

"_Can you feel that Iz? Can you feel it?" Alex's voice asked loud and clear into her ear. "She's moving around a lot today." He said, "She's going to be strong, a real fighter just like her mom."_

_Izzie opened her eyes and he was there sitting beside her. Alex was smiling down at her, he had one hand resting on her belly and with the other he was stroking her cheek. "Can you feel her?" he asked her again and she smiled. She let a huge smile spread across her face and she nodded. She could feel her baby moving and Alex was there, he could feel it too. _


	52. Chapter 52

**AN: I just wanted to say thanks for the really nice comments that I got on the last part. That really made me smile. The story is starting to come to an end, but that being said there are probably about 6 more chapters to go at least. :-)**

* * *

"Who is presenting?" Izzie asked looking up from the patient chart and at the three interns who'd been assigned to work with her for the week. It was a routine question, she always asked but she didn't usually need the answer, she usually knew what was going to be said. She didn't this time, she didn't know who the woman was, she didn't know where she'd come from.

"Blaire Vokes," one of the interns began. "Twenty six weeks pregnant, sustained serious chest and leg trauma in an MVA twenty four weeks ago. She was placed in a drug induced coma for eight weeks and now is in an induced minimally conscious state. She was transferred here last night from the ICU, for closer monitoring of the pregnancy."

"Okay," Izzie nodded, staring down at the chart, she had no idea if what they'd said was right, she couldn't read the words in front of her, her vision was starting to go blurry, it was being punctuated by flashes of bright light and an incessant pounding inside her head. "Arh!" A half moan half scream slipped from her mouth and she raised her hands to her head. She dropped the chart and cried out again just as her patient started to moan.

"It's okay Bell," she heard the husband say, "I'm right here." For the briefest of moments she thought it was Alex talking to her and then she passed out.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Iz, Izzie," She heard someone say as they wrapped a hand around her shoulder and gently shook her. She opened her eyes and blinked, she couldn't work out who was sitting beside her, who the voice belonged to, all she could see was past them, there was a figure standing behind them and it looked like Alex.

"Alex," She letting his name slip off her tongue and she tried to sit up. The movement hurt, her whole body ached and her head started spinning. She closed her eyes and lay back down.

"Dr. Stevens don't move too much." She heard the voice say again, a woman's voice. She opened her eyes again and this time she could see the person beside her, it was Addison.

"What happened?" she asked not sitting up this time, she lay on her back but she didn't look at her she kept looking past her and into the space Alex had been in.

"You fainted." Addison told her before asking, "Have you been looking after yourself?"

"I thought so." She really did think she'd been looking after herself, until today she had been feeling really good, she'd been eating well, putting on weight, and sleeping, she'd probably been sleeping a bit too much, her dreams about Alex were becoming more vivid, sometimes she didn't want to pull herself out of bed but she always did. "I don't know what happened. Is my baby okay?"

"You're baby is fine," Addison smiled at her. "How do you feel?"

She tried to push herself up again but stopped when she'd raised herself only a few inches. "My body aches," She said feeling a strange pain run through her. "Are you sure he's okay?"

"You're baby? He's fine." Addison smiled at her. "I'm going to leave you to lay down for a bit, page me if you need something."

"Thanks," She watched Addison walk out the room and she closed her eyes again. She wasn't sure what was wrong with her, she felt strange and she wasn't sure why. She started concentrating on her breathing, she took long deep breaths, and as she was breathing out she felt someone move in the room, she heard someone's footsteps, then felt a hand brush across her face and a tingly feeling ran through her body. "Who's there?" She asked and her eyes flew open. There was no one there though, she was alone. She closed her eyes again and she felt the tingle run through her body again. "Alex," this time she kept her eyes closed, she didn't open them. "Alex are you there?" Logic told her it wasn't him but she couldn't shake the feelings running through her body. She kept her eyes closed and she inhaled deeply, she could smell him, his scent was sitting in the air. "Alex," She let his name roll off her tongue and she just lay there too afraid to move, scared that if she did she might lose him, and soon she drifted off to sleep.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Her dream wasn't pleasant though for the longest time everything was just black and then she seemed to wake up screaming. Everything stopped being black and started being bright white, so bright she couldn't see anything but she could hear things, there were things moving around her and then she felt them grab hold of her. These things which she wasn't quite sure were people, they looked like white blobs grabbed hold of her. They wrapped their hands around her arms, around her legs and they started pulling.

It hurt, she felt like she was being tortured, she tried to pull away, she wanted to pull away but she had no control over her body, she couldn't move. She just lay there as these things pulled at her; all she could do was breath, and then somewhere through all of it she could hear Alex. His voice pushed through telling her it was okay, that she was okay. She wasn't okay though, nothing about it was okay and she wanted to scream that but she couldn't.

Eventually the torture stopped and the blackness returned, she didn't normally like the blackness but it was better than the pain, not even Alex's voice trying to clam her had made that bearable. When she finally woke up it was hours later, there were footsteps moving around the room and when she opened her eyes she saw Meredith sitting in a chair watching her.

"Hi," she smiled as she slowly rolled onto her side. The dizziness and the aches still hadn't gone but they weren't as bad, she could tolerate them. "How long have you been sitting there?"

"Not that long." Meredith stood up and walked over to the bed. "I heard you'd fainted, I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Oh," She pushed herself up in the bed and lent against the wall. "I think I'm okay. I don't know what happened, I was fine and then I wasn't." She didn't want to tell Meredith about everything, about the strange feeling she had right before she passed out, or about the dreams she'd just had, she didn't want to listen to her try and explain it, she got enough of that from her counselor.

"Are you feeling okay now?"

"Yeah," She ran a hand through her hair and slid forward to the edge of the bed. "I can't believe I fainted in front of a patient, I feel so stupid."

"Your patient is in a coma, I don't think she noticed." Meredith smiled at her.

"It's not a coma," She was remembering what the interns had said, the moan her patient had emitted in the seconds before she collapsed. "She knows what's going, and her husband was there." She rested her head in her hands and started shaking it, she hated that she'd done that, that it has happened to her.

"Iz it's okay." She felt Meredith reach over and take her hand. "These things happen."

"But they're not supposed to." She stood up and lent against the wall. She waited for the lightheaded feeling to pass and then she walked to the door. "I need to check on my patient."

She walked down the corridor towards her patient's room but she stopped short of actually going inside. She could see through the window what was going on, the husband was leaning over the woman and gently massaging the side of her head. She couldn't tell if the woman was awake or not, if her eyes were open but it didn't really matter, she didn't want to disturb them. As she stared at them a tear ran down her cheek, there was something painfully beautiful about what she was seeing.

"Iz," She heard Meredith's voice come up beside her and then she felt her hand rest against her shoulder. "Dr. Montgomery asked me to take you home when you woke up. She wants you to take the rest of the day off."

"Oh, okay." It didn't really surprise her that she was being sent home, she was always getting sent home when it looked like she might not be coping. "I have to get my things from my locker." She said and she slowly pulled herself away from the scene, there was no point arguing, if this was anything like last time her patients had already been reassigned and there would be nothing for her to do if she stayed.


	53. Chapter 53

Izzie sat in the residents lounge with a bunch of medical journals spread out across the table in front of her. She was trying to find a way to help her patient, Blaire Vokes. She wanted to find a way to bring her out of the state she was in which wouldn't harm her baby. She wouldn't do anything if she thought it could harm the baby but she couldn't just stand there watching them either. She wanted to help this woman and she was determined to work out a way. She was sure there was something, she was sure the woman was still there, that she was still there somewhere under all the rest of it, she just had to work out how to reach that.

"Iz, what are you doing?" She looked up and saw Meredith had walked into the room.

"Trying to work out how to help my patient."

Meredith sat down in one of the seats beside her and picked up one of the journals. She seemed to glance over it and then put it back down. "Iz, your shift finished three hours ago, it is late, you should go home."

"It is?" She glanced up at the clock and then back down at the journal she was reading. "It's only eleven, one more hour."

"Iz, you need to get some sleep, you have to be back here working in six hours."

"I know." She knew she needed to get some sleep, she was exhausted and the sleep deprivation was starting to play tricks on her mind. She hadn't told anyone but she had been seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling Alex a lot. She would be walking down the corridor and she would hear his voice, or she would check on a patient and she'd smell him. These feelings weren't unpleasant she liked the idea that he was there with her but she knew enough as a doctor to know it wasn't exactly normal. She didn't want to go to sleep though; she'd been having nightmares.

The day she'd fainted at work had been the first day she'd them and she'd been having them every day since. Most days she'd have them at night, some where in between the dreams of darkness, of beaches, and star gazing, she would have these dreams of being pulled apart, she was almost convinced she was being abducted by aliens, but then sometimes she'd have them while she was awake. She'd be at work standing there looking at a patient chart and then she would feel pain shoot down her arms or legs and she would lose all concentration, occasionally she could make it stop but usually she had to go lay down. As soon as she did though she'd be asleep and back in that world.

"Come on Iz, I'll take you home. We can have a chat in the car." Meredith stood up and held out a hand for her. "All this work isn't good for you."

"I know." Reluctantly Izzie began closing the journals and packing up. She stuck the books inside her cubby and walked with Meredith out the hospital.

"You're starting to get big." Meredith said as they walked though the hospital. "You can't pretend you're not pregnant now."

"I haven't been able to do that for a few weeks." She smiled and she instinctively placed her hand over her belly.

"Oh," Meredith laughed. "I guess I haven't been paying much attention."

"I guess not." She ran her hands in large circles over her belly and her baby began to move. The movement made a smile spread across her face, she hadn't reached the point yet where his kicks were painful or uncomfortable, they just made her feel good, like something might be going to be alright in her life for once.

"What are you smiling about?" Meredith asked her when they reached the car.

"He's kicking do you want to feel it?"

"Okay," Meredith stepped toward her and rested her hands over her belly, just as the rain started pouring down. "How about in the car?"

Inside the car Izzie lent back in the passenger seat, she took Meredith's hand and she placed over the spot where the movement was strongest. "Can you feel it?" She asked.

"Yes," Meredith smiled at her. "They feel strong."

"He is, he's going to be strong just like his dad." The images of her son growing up made her smile more, her little Alex.

"You're having a boy then?"

"Yes," There was no doubt in her mind she was having a boy, though the truth was she hadn't looked.

"Have you thought of a name?"

"Alex," She said the name with confidence and a smile.

"Really?" Meredith looked back at her like she was surprised. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes," There had never been any question in her mind about what her baby would be called. "I want him to know who his father is, I want him to have that piece of him, I want him to be proud of it."

"Iz are you sure naming him Alex is a good idea." There wasn't anything Meredith had against the name but she was worried it might makes things harder for Izzie in the long run. She wanted her friend to be able to move on and she thought that might make it harder.

"Yes," She wasn't sure how to make Meredith understand, "I've thought about this a lot. I want his name to be Alex."

"Okay," Meredith wouldn't push it with her more at the moment. Upsetting Izzie was the last thing she wanted to do. If she was going to push the matter, which she wasn't even sure she would do, she needed to have a good argument and some alternate suggestions. Instead she stared the engine on the car and began driving.

"Mere, I know what I'm doing." Izzie said when they reached her home. "I'm moving on, but I still want to hold on, I want to have that one little thing."

"Okay," Meredith nodded. "Goodnight Iz."

"Night Mere, thanks for the ride."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie unlocked her home and flicked on the passageway light. She closed the front door behind her and looked at the pile of letters laying on the floor. On the top was a letter from the bank, she didn't need to open it to know what it said, she was about to default on her home loan and soon she'd be ordered to sell the place. She knew that's what it said but she wasn't ready to read it just yet, she wasn't ready to give up this piece of her. She left the letters sitting on the floor and she walked down to her bedroom.

She changed into a pair of sweat pants and one of Alex's old T-shirts and she crawled into bed. She curled up into a ball on her side and she closed her eyes. With one hand she began rubbing large circles over her belly and began concentrating on her breathing. She began going through the breathing exercises she taught her patients, the exercises which were designed to help them relax and stay focused on the task at hand. For her that task was falling asleep, falling asleep and not having nightmares, so far it hadn't worked but she kept trying.

It didn't take long for the darkness to come, for her to relax into a world of nothing. She was no longer afraid of the dark, she'd seen worse things than the dark, in the dark she was clam, at peace, it was bright light that scared her now, she didn't know what she'd get with the bright light. Sometimes Alex was there, when it was just him it was beautiful but sometimes the other were there too, the white people who would pull at her, make her cry and scream, not even Alex's voice could make it bearable, it hurt so much. The bright light was always followed by more darkness and then sometimes if she was lucky, she would get to go to the beach, or star gazing, or a picnic, if she was lucky she would get that too.

_"Izzie," Alex's voice slowly penetrated her dream, slipped into the darkness. "Izzie," she lay perfectly still and waited for his touch, waited for that tingly sensation to run through her body. Slowly it came, his hand brushed against her cheek and she opened her eyes. "Hey beautiful." He smiled down at her and he softly kissed her. "I've been thinking we should talk about baby names. Our little girl is going to be born soon and she needs to have a strong name."_

_She smiled at him and tried to speak, she wanted him to know they weren't having a girl they were having a boy and she'd already pick a name. Their baby's name was going to be Alex just like his daddy. She wanted to tell him this but she couldn't talk, she could move her lips but she couldn't get any sound to come out. _

_"I wanted to name her Bella," Alex started saying. "Izabella that way she'll always have a bit of her mother with her." He smiled down at her but she didn't smile back she didn't want the baby to have a bit of her, she wanted her baby to have a bit of him, she tried to frown maybe that would get the message to him._

_"You don't like that do you?" He asked, "I didn't think you would but I like it. If you want something else you've got to tell me." He lent down and kissed her, and again she tried to talk to him but it didn't work, the feeling was frustrating and painful so she closed her eyes again and waited to drift back to the darkness and into another place._


	54. Chapter 54

Blaire Vokes. Izzie stood outside her room and stared in through the window. She stood there and she watched the woman laying down on the bed and her husband squeeze her hand, caress her face, softly kiss her. She shouldn't be watching them, she knew that but there was something about them she couldn't turn her eyes away from. The man reminded her of Alex, she knew it wasn't him but there was still something about him.

"Izzie what are you doing?" She turned around and saw Meredith standing just behind her.

"Watching them." She replied in almost a dreamy tone.

"Why?"

"Because," She let out a sigh and quickly debated in her head if she should tell Meredith the full reason. "He reminds me of Alex. The husband he reminds me of Alex and I just like watching him."

"Iz," She could hear the worried tone in Meredith's voice.

"I know it's not him," She felt the need to say. "And I'm not about to try and steal a patient's husband I just…" The words trailed from her mouth and she paused to try and work how to say it. "Is it wrong that I want to be her, that I look at them and I want to be her because she still has him?"

"Iz," The worried tone intensified and she felt Meredith rest a hand on her shoulder and start pulling her away. "You shouldn't be watching them, you shouldn't be watching them and thinking that. That woman is fighting for her life, at the moment she doesn't really have anything. Come on." Meredith turned her around and began walking her down the corridor.

"No," She pushed herself away from Meredith and began walking back to the room. "I have to talk to them."

At the door to the room she paused for a moment and took a deep breath, she wasn't sure why but she always felt funny when she went in the room. "Iz what are you doing?" She looked up and saw Meredith was coming up behind her.

"Going to talk to my patient." She pushed the door open and stepped into the room.

The husband turned in her direction when she opened the door, and she quickly looked down at her chart, as much as she liked watching him, she didn't like looking him in the eye, when she did she always saw Alex and it confused her.

"Dr. Stevens what's wrong?" He asked her. She gulped and looked down at the chart again.

"We need to talk about Blaire and the baby, she's thirty six weeks now, the due date is coming up and we need to talk about how we are going to delivery the baby."

"Oh," The husband looked away from her and back to his wife. "I want to wait, I want to wait for her to go into labour and I want her to have the baby naturally."

"Okay," Izzie nodded, "that is an option but you need to understand the risks associated with a natural birth in these conditions."

"I know," He said, and she watched him begin to gently stroke his wife's cheek. "There is an increased risk of hemorrhaging, there is a chance for complications which might require a c-section anyway. I know there are risks but I've been reading case studies and there are people out there who were just like Bell and having the baby brought them out, it brought them back."

"Okay," Izzie nodded and she made the note on the chart. She wasn't sure if she agreed with the man's decision but now wasn't the time to argue with him. She was about to walk out the room when one of the monitors started bleeping. It was the ventilator. She started to walk over to the machine to check the settings but she only got a few steps before she felt a tightness in her own chest.

"Call someone." Was all she managed to say before she started gasping for air, she felt like her chest wasn't expanding enough, like she was breathing through a straw and not getting enough air, the feeling lasted for only a few seconds and then she passed out.

_Cornfields, she was standing in a field of cornfields. "Alex!" She called out his name wanting to know where she was, why she was there._

"Get another doctor in here," she heard someone call, and then she felt someone place a mask over her face and lift her up. They lay her down on a bed of some sought and started moving her.

_"Ally, Bella wait up!" She heard a man, Alex call out. She spun around and saw and two little girls, maybe seven and two run between the stalks, and then Alex running a few feet behind them._

_"Izzie what are you doing?" He asked when he saw her. "Come with us."_

_She didn't know where she was going but she ran after them, she chased them through the cornfield and all the way out the other side. _

_"Come on daddy." The eldest girl called out before running up the steps of a farmhouse closely followed by the smaller girl. _

_"They're something aren't they?" She turned and saw Alex standing beside her. _

_"Yeah," She let out a sigh. "Where are we?"_

_"Iowa, my great grand father built this place."_

_"It's beautiful." She let out another slow breath and she looked around, she'd never realized how beautiful the country could be._

"Izzie, Izzie, Dr Stevens," A female voice, Meredith's broke into her dream and she was back in the hospital. She let out a moan and she opened her eyes. .

"What happened?" She asked her chest still hurting from what ever had happened.

"You passed out. Are you okay?"

"I couldn't breath." She said remembering what she'd felt. "My baby, is he okay?"

"I haven't had a chance to check, you were only out a couple minutes." Meredith told her. "I was going to get a monitor but you woke up."

"Oh." She rested her hands on her belly and began counting the seconds until she'd feel her baby move while Meredith got up and left. She got up to sixty before she felt something, a sharp kick in the bladder, which almost made her wince. "He's kicking," She said when Meredith returned a few minutes later.

Her baby was perfectly fine, there was nothing wrong him, he was going to be strong she had a good feeling about that. "My patient Mrs. Vokes is she okay?" With her baby in the clear she wanted to know about her patient, about the woman she couldn't help but feel drawn to.

"She's alright." Meredith told her. "She was fighting the ventilator, they've taken her into surgery to remove the trach tube. They're going to see how well she goes breathing on her own."

"That's good." A smile spread back on her face, that was really good news, she let out a sigh and tried to think what to do now.

"It is good Iz, it's good for her but I think you need to start thinking about yourself. Passing out like that isn't good, you're thirty-six weeks pregnant. I think you should start your maternity leave."

"Maybe" It didn't surprise her that Meredith had suggested it, she'd been expecting someone to tell her sooner to go on leave but she'd been doing well up until then.

"I really think it would be a good idea." Meredith pushed her again.

She didn't know what to say, she knew Meredith was right, she really should go on leave but she didn't want to be home, she didn't want to be in her home. "Okay," She said thinking it through. "But can I borrow your car?"

"My car?" Meredith looked back at her confused.

"Yes," She smiled. "I want to go to Iowa."


	55. Chapter 55

Izzie sat down behind the wheel of Meredith's car and began adjusting the seat and mirrors. Two days had past since she'd first asked to borrow it, that's how long it took her to convince her this road trip was something she had to do, that she would be okay if she went on it. It wasn't just that she was heavily pregnant though that did play a major part in Meredith's argument against her going, there was also the problem that it had been well over a year since she had driven a car, and Meredith was rather attached to hers.

It had taken a lot of smart talking on her part but eventually she had her convinced. She needed to go to Iowa, she needed to talk Alex's mom, she hadn't seen her since the funeral, she didn't know she was pregnant, that she was about to become a grandmother. It wasn't that she'd intentionally not told, she just hadn't spoken to her, she hadn't thought to tell her but she wanted her son to know his father, so he needed to know his family too. She wanted to talk to Alex's family but more she wanted to talk to Alex, she wanted to visit his grave and talk to him. She'd been feeling odd for weeks, an odd which had nothing to do with her being pregnant and everything to do with wanting him. When she'd agreed to allow his body to be taken away it was because she didn't think that part of him was important, not anymore but now she wasn't so sure. There was a part of her which desperately needed to see him.

"Drive safely and phone me." Meredith told her as she started the engine and began driving away.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Navigating the roads out of Seattle was easy, reaching the highway and open road was easy, but once she was on the open road it wasn't so easy. The road seemed to go on forever and she couldn't help feeling nervous every time a truck drove past, it would make the car shake and she was afraid she was going to be driven off the road. That never happened but it was how she felt. Once she was on the road trip she didn't like it, after only two hours of driving her back was starting to ache and her legs beginning to cramp up.

No she did not like the drive; the miles seemed to slowly disappear behind her she began wishing she could teleport, that she could get to her destination. The destination was what she wanted to reach, she didn't care about the journey, she didn't care about the towns she drove past, the people she met there, they were all blank face to her, a means to an end. She drove and she drove and she drove and some how the mile marks kept disappearing behind her, the driving became easier, almost enjoyable, she crossed the border into Idaho, and then out the other side into Montana, she drove and she drove and she drove and before she knew it the sun was going down. It crossed her mind that she should stop, that it was late and she should find a motel to spend the night in but she didn't stop, she still felt great, she wasn't hungry, she wasn't anymore hurting, she wasn't tired, she was being fueled by some unknown energy, a desire to reach her destination which was so strong nothing else seemed to matter. She crossed the boarder into Wyoming and then into South Dakota, she just kept driving. Before she knew it the sun was coming up, she'd driven through the night but she still wasn't tired, she still didn't want to stop and then she was passing a sign which read "Welcome to Iowa". She didn't know how she'd done it, how she'd got so far so quickly but it gave her more energy, she was so close, she wasn't going to stop now.

She kept driving and for the first time since leaving Seattle she allowed herself to look at the scenery, she was on the plains and driving though fields of corn. Everywhere she looked there was corn and the sight made her laugh, she suddenly had an image in her head of Alex telling her about a road trip they were going to take. He kept going on and on about the corn, and she couldn't quite work out if he was really in love with corn or he was being sarcastic, the look in his eye said he was sincere but, it was corn.

She pulled off the highway and onto a small rural road, subconsciously she seemed to know where she was going, she navigated her way through the fields and past towns so tiny they weren't even on the map. She drove up a little hill and when she reached the crest she noticed a farmhouse, it was set way back off the road but it looked just like the one in her dream. She wanted to go look at it but something kept her on the road, she kept driving until she reached the next town, this one was a little bigger, and she found herself turning on to a side street, she followed the road around and before she knew she was at a cemetery. The cemetery, she'd reached her destination, she was there.

She turned the ignition off, and sat for a moment in the car, she was starting to feel again, for the first time she started to feel fatigue, she began to ache, and her baby began moving around inside her. She almost wanted to fall asleep but she couldn't do that, she was there, she had come so far, she couldn't stop now. She climbed out the car and began walking towards the gates. As she got closer she felt her heart begin race, she was nervous about what she was about to see, about what she was about to feel. She wasn't sure what she would feel when she saw his grave stone, when she would first lay eyes on that big slab of granite with his name engraved on it.

She stepped through the gates and began walking along the rows of grave. Almost instantly his smell hit her, he was close, she could feel it but the cemetery was huge, much bigger than she was expecting, and she didn't know where he was. She didn't think to ask before she left, she didn't think it would be important but there were literally hundreds of graves. The stones stretched up over a small hill and then they just seemed to keep going.

She didn't have any other choice but to start walking, to walk past every stone until she found him. Slowly she began walking along the first row, she felt her baby kick almost like he knew what happening. She smiled and squinted forward to read the names, none of them were Alex. She'd walked for fifteen minutes when she felt a pull through her belly, she stopped for a moment and breathed out slowly, the pulling stopped and she rubbed her hand over the spot where it hurt.

"Hang on little one, I'm looking for dad." She said and she started walking again. She walked along row after row after row, but she couldn't find him and every few rows she'd feel her belly pull, it didn't hurt so much as feel uncomfortable but as soon as she stopped walking it would stop, it would go away.

Three hours pasted, she'd walked for three hours and she still hadn't found him. She could see the end of the cemetery, there were only five more rows to go but the graves looked so old, not like something she'd pictured Alex having. She stopped walking and lent back against a tree, she was exhausted and she couldn't seem to kick the pain she was in. Her back was hurting a lot, it was getting worse with every step and the pulling, it wouldn't go away, she couldn't get it to go away anymore.

She rested harder against the tree and she closed her eyes. "Alex where are you?" she whispered. "Why aren't you here?" Tears began to run down her face and the pulling got worse, it started in her lower back this time and spread around her lower abdomen and then up over her. "Arh," she let out a small cry and then she felt a dampness between her legs. Her eyes flew open and she looked down, she couldn't see past her own belly but with one step she saw the ground, it was wet.

The realization hit just as another wave of pain ran through her, her body wasn't just getting ready for labour, she was in labour. The pain gripped her body, it made her bend at the knees and stager to the ground, she couldn't get back up, she couldn't move. She wrapped her arms around her body and she began to cry. "Alex where are you? Where are you Alex?"


	56. Chapter 56

Izzie wrapped her arms around her body and cried. She was so scared, terrified, she didn't know what was wrong with her. She was in labour, she was sure of that but it didn't feel right, the pain didn't seem to give, it just got worse, continued to grip her body. She tried to move a little, to sit up, crawl even, she couldn't stay where she was, but it was too much, it hurt too much.

"Alex!" She cried out. "Where are you? Why aren't you here?" She began to sob and her body violently shook. She didn't understand what was happening, why he wasn't there, why it hurt so much. "Alex," She closed her eyes and began praying. She needed someone to save her, she couldn't do this on her own but no one knew she was there.

_"Iz, Izzie," _Alex's voice, she heard his voice loud and clear in her ear. _"Look at me. It's going to be okay."_

She felt his hand brush against her face, a tingle sensation run through her body. "Alex," Her eyes flew open but he wasn't there, she was still alone in the cemetery. "Alex," She cried out for him again, and the pain intensified.

_"Iz, I need you to open your eyes, I need you to look at me."_

She could hear him, he was there, he was there somewhere. "Alex," Her voice shook as she said his name. She looked around and she forced herself upright. The pain was intense, she screamed as she moved but she did it, she got to her feet and she began walking. "Alex," She called stumbling through the cemetery, he was there, she could smell him, she could feel him, she just had to find him. "Alex," Every step was hard, she had to use the stones for balance, to keep herself upright. She staggered forward, walking deeper into the cemetery, there were five rows left, he had to be in one of them. "Alex where are you?" Her voice shook, he had to be there.

_"Izzie."_

His voice, she heard it again, in her ear, closer, louder, clearer, than before. "Alex," She spun around. He wasn't there, and then she was falling, she hit the grown hard and the pain surged through her body.

_"Izzie," _

She could still hear him, he was there but she couldn't move, a paralyzing force held her still. She felt her heart begin to race in her chest, and she began to struggle to breath. "Alex," She tried to call out to him, but she couldn't make a sound. And then she felt it, his hand against her face, he was there, just out of her reach.

_"Iz, you need to fight this. Your little girl, she needs her mother."_

She could hear him talking to her.

_"Iz, please just open your eyes, let me know you can hear me, that you're going to fight."_

_"Alex," _A new voice entered her head, _"The baby is in distress. We need to get her to an OR now or you're going to lose them both."_

_"I know, just give us a moment. Izzie," _Alex's voice was clearer than anything she'd ever heard. "_Please just let me know you're going to fight this." _She could hear the desperation in his voice, he was as scared and she was, he wanted her and she wanted him but dam it she couldn't reach him.

"Alex," She tried to call out to him but she had no voice, no strength , no power, she closed her eyes and tried to reach him.

_"Alex we need to go."_

_"I know, Iz come on."_

Slowly she forced her eyes open, scared of what she would see, what she wouldn't see. She needed Alex but he wasn't supposed to be there, she wasn't supposed to be able to see him. She opened her eyes and blinked. The first thing she saw was the bright light, it was blinding and made her head scream in pain, but she kept her eyes open, waiting for the brightness to clear.

_"That's it Iz, that's it."_

She felt his thumb rub against the side of her face, and then she saw him. He was leaning over her and there was a fear in his eyes, he looked as scared as she felt.

_"Don't stop, your daughter needs her mother."_

She felt him grip her hand and squeeze, she tried to squeeze back, and then a high pitched wailing filled her head.

_"Don't stop."_

It was the last thing she heard before he was gone, before she was laying on her back in the cemetery again. "Alex?" She looked around hoping to hear him but he was gone, and so was the pain, it wasn't gripping her body anymore. She rolled onto her side and then slowly climbed to her feet. She looked around the cemetery, at all the grave stones she had past and she realized why she couldn't find him, she was at the wrong cemetery, she was at the wrong place.

"I'm not supposed to be here, I'm not supposed to be here." She started saying to herself over and over as she began walking back to the car. "I'm not supposed to be here."

She climbed into the car and started driving, "I'm not supposed to be here." She didn't know where she was meant to be but it wasn't there, she was in the wrong place. She drove down the tiny road and back towards the highway. She didn't know where she was going; she just had to get some where, some where other than where she was. She wasn't supposed to be there, she knew that now, she wasn't supposed to be there.


	57. Chapter 57

"I'm not supposed to be here." Izzie kept whispering the words over and over in her head. She couldn't get her head around it but everything felt wrong. Her whole world felt like it wasn't right and she didn't know how to make it better.

She reached down and rubbed her hand over her belly, it didn't hurt anymore and she didn't know why, not a single piece of medical knowledge she knew could explain it. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought she should go to a hospital, that she needed to be looked at but she didn't have the faintest idea where a hospital was, and then another piece of her kept telling her she was okay, that everything would be okay.

She hadn't felt her baby move though, not since leaving the cemetery, not since she started driving. The thought that something was wrong was starting to eat at her but she couldn't shake the feeling that if she just kept driving it would be okay. That if she just kept driving she would get to where she was meant to be, where she was supposed to be.

She turned the CD player on and began listening to music, Alex's music, she knew every song off by heart, she knew every tone his voice would make, every moment where he'd miss a note, not quite make the right sound. She knew exactly what it was supposed to sound like. She let the music run over her, through her, she let herself begin to get lost in it and then it didn't sound right. She began to hear another noise over the top of it, a baby crying, and then…

_"Hush little baby don't say a word papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird."_

Alex's voice broke into her head.

_"And if that mocking bird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring."_

She had never heard him sing that song before but there was no doubt in her mind it was him.

_"And if that diamond ring don't shine, hush little baby don't you mind."_

She hit the breaks on the car and pulled over to the side of the road. She closed her eyes and listened harder.

_"And if that diamond ring don't shine, you'll still be the sweetest little baby of mine."_

His voice was so soft, beautiful; she listened harder, and breathed out deeply.

_"Come on Bella, please stop crying."_

"Bella," she whispered the name quietly to herself, that was the name Alex liked, the name he kept telling her about in her dreams.

_"Alex I think she's hungry." _Another voice entered her head. _ "Let me take her for a bit, I'll get her a bottle."_

_"No, I've got her."_ She could hear a defensive tone to his voice. _"It's okay Bella, please stop crying."_

_"Alex, she's hungry, she's not going to stop crying until you feed her."_

_"Okay, go get a bottle, I'll feed her."_

Izzie closed her eyes harder and she felt tears begin to run down her face. She could still hear the baby crying, her baby she was sure of it, and the sound of feet, Alex's feet, pacing up and down.

_"Hush little baby hush little one, papa's going to look after you and mom."_

He was trying to stop the baby crying but he couldn't, the baby was hungry, her baby was hungry. She didn't know how she knew it was her baby she just did. It was a feeling, which came over her, just like she knew she was in the wrong place, like she knew she wasn't meant to be where she was. She knew that was where she was meant to be. She was meant to be there. She closed her eyes tighter, began trying to will herself there, she took long deep breaths and concentrated hard, she put all her energy into getting there.

_"Hush little baby, hush little one, please Bella stop crying." _Alex's voice sounded tired and desperate. _"Bella please, stop crying."_

She listened once more to Alex's voice and she slowly opened her eyes. She was afraid of what she might see, she didn't want to see the darkness of her car, she wanted to see Alex and this baby who wouldn't stop screaming. The brightness was the first thing she saw, and she smiled, she was in the right place, she blinked a few times and waited for everything to come into focus, for her to work out her surroundings.

She was in a hospital, lying on a bed; that was the first thing she worked out. At the end of the bed was Alex, he was pacing back and forth, rocking a tiny baby in his arms, the baby was screaming. For what seemed like the longest time she just stared at the scene in front of her, it was like her dreams but she wasn't dreaming, she hadn't fallen asleep before she got there, she was just there. She watched Alex pace in a slow rhythmic, almost dance as he tried to calm the child. She watched him and she longed to help. It was her baby and she wanted to stop the crying, she could stop the crying. She just needed him to see her.

"A…" She opened her mouth and tried to speak, her mouth was so dry and her throat so sore, "A…Alex," The word came out her mouth barely louder than a whisper, it was so quiet he didn't hear her, he just kept pacing with the baby. "A…lex." She said his name again, the sound was louder this time, the voice she heard didn't sound like her own, it was deeper, hoarser, and slightly slurred, but he heard her.

He stopped pacing and walked towards her. "Iz did you say something?" He asked.

She smiled and said his name again. "A…lex," That one word was getting easier to say, with every attempt it sounded clear.

"Oh my god, Iz," Alex smiled down at her and he ran one of his hands down the side of her face. "Say that again."

"A…a…Alex." She said the word, his name again and his smile grew, she could see a light coming on behind his eyes, he was happy, or happier than he'd been but the baby was still crying, she needed to stop the baby crying. Concentrating hard she began trying to form another word. "B…b…baby feed." She managed to say and she hoped Alex would see what she already felt, she was lactating.

She wanted to feed her baby and after a moment Alex saw. "Do you want to feed her?" He asked and she nodded. "Okay."

Carefully he untied her gown to expose her breast, he gently placed the baby against her chest and moved her arms so she could hold her. He placed her nipple in the baby's mouth and instantly the crying stopped. A big smile began the spread across her face, she didn't understand it, what was happening, but for the first time in a long time she felt truly happy. Soon the baby fell asleep and stopped sucking. Alex lifted her off her chest and placed her in a crib. Then he came and sat down beside her.

"You did good today Iz," He told her and he gently kissed the side of her face. She smiled back at him and then with all the energy she had left she asked him the one question she needed to know the answer to.

"Is this real?"

"Yes," Alex told her and he kissed her again. She smiled and began trying to form the words to one more question.

"What happened?"


	58. Chapter 58

**AN: I have been writing this story for a long time. When I started I had some idea about where I wanted it to go but as the story and time progressed where I wanted to take it changed. As a result I have had to make some small changes to the first chapters. (The changes basically change the time line.) If you're still reading I hope you're enjoying it and I'd love to know what you think. This wasn't what I had originally planed but I think it is better. **

* * *

Alex looked into Izzie's big brown eyes and he sighed, he'd forgot that she wouldn't understand, that she didn't really know what was happening to her, what had happened to her. He'd been so caught up in the moment, so happy, and she'd looked happy too, he hadn't thought to stop and explain things to her.

"There was an accident," he began, and she gave him a small nod.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie listened as Alex began explaining what had happened to her, to them. She had to concentrate very hard, it was a lot of information, and she knew even as he told it to her she wouldn't remember half of it. It was too much to get her head around in one go, but she was listening and trying to make sense of it all.

There was an accident; that part was real but everything after then was different. Alex never died, he was hurt though, he fractured five vertebrae among other things and was bedridden for eight weeks.

And she wasn't okay, Alex described her injuries as being horrific and as he went into some details she began to understand why. Her seat belt had failed, and then her airbag had failed and she was thrown with such force against the dashboard almost every bone in her body broke. Her lung was punctured, her spleen ruptured, and there was lacerations and bruising throughout her body.

Alex told her she was unconscious from the moment of impact and in the car all he could do was hold her and pray she would just keep breathing. He said she must have heard him because somehow she kept breathing, her heart kept beating. How he wasn't quite sure, no one had been able to explain how her body kept going when she was losing so much blood, and really it didn't matter how it happen it just did.

For ten days he said she was on the brink of death, she circled the drain, and was rushed back in for countless surgeries. She single handily went through almost two hundred units of blood, and he told her they didn't expect her to live, that he was told to prepare for the worse. He said it broke his heart to know she was so sick and not be able to be there with her, that was the hardest part knowing that and not being able to do anything about it.

He said he prayed a lot, who he was praying too he wasn't quite sure; it was more like begging, making promises to himself, wishing, hoping she would get better. And ten days after the accident she took a turn, she stabilized and started improving.

Izzie listened as Alex explained things to her, she tried to make sense of everything, some of the things Alex was describing seemed familiar to her, events which really happened seemed to meet with the stuff in her head. It was ten days after the accident she took the overdoes and when she woke up from that she decided not to keep spiraling down, she was going to start pulling herself back together.

It was eight weeks after the accident they discovered the pregnancy. It surprised and shocked everyone, she wasn't supposed to be pregnant, how her body sustained a pregnancy no one was quite sure but it changed everything. Alex was finally able to see her, he demanded to see her, and when he did he decided he wasn't going to leave. He was going to stay with her and make her get better.

They changed her meds, until that point she had been fully sedated, in a deep coma, but they couldn't keep doing that, the meds were dangerous to the fetus, and Alex flat out refused to terminate it. She smiled at him when he said that, he was right, she never would have forgiven him if he'd taken their baby from her, and without that baby she might not have had the will the pull herself through. Instead they started to wake her up but it was easier said than done. Her body still hadn't healed, she was still in a significant amount of pain, waking her up came with its own dangers.

They couldn't shock her system, she was still in the midst of a difficult balancing act, so they began to slowly ease her off the meds, and that was when her dreams started again, only now she was beginning to realize what she thought were dreams were real and everything she thought was real was only in her head.

"For months all you could do was open your eyes," Alex told her, "You would open your eyes and just gaze at me."

She nodded slowly as she remembered the dreams, the feelings of total paralysis and Alex laying there beside her, telling her she would be okay.

"Mu…mu…music," Talking was still difficult but she wanted him to know she'd heard the music, that she remembered the music.

"Yes Iz, I played music to you."

He smiled down at her and she tried to talk again, she was getting very tired though and it was becoming increasingly difficult. She moved her lips slowly trying to work out what she wanted to say.

"Do you want to listen to the music?" Alex asked her, she gave him a nod; she wanted to hear the music, his music. He stood up and walked over to a small CD player.

"No," That wasn't the music she wanted, she'd seen in the corner of the room his guitar, "play," she said and she lifted her arm a tiny bit and pointed.

"Okay," She watched Alex place the CD player down and pick up the instrument. He carried it over to the chair he'd been in before and sat down. "I'll play for a bit." He told her and before he started he lent in and kissed her. "It's okay to go to sleep, you've had a big day."

She smiled up at him as he began to strum a tune, her tune. "I love you." She whispered to him.

"I know," he smiled back, "I love you too."

He kept playing and slowly she closed her eyes, she began to drift to sleep and as her mind began to wander, as she got closer to her dreams she hoped she wouldn't go back to where she was, she didn't want to go back to a place where Alex wasn't.


	59. Chapter 59

The day her daughter was born was the first day she remembered, the first day where what was real and what was not seemed to click, where she began to understand. That night when she fell asleep she dreamed of far off places, of things which could only happen in dreams. She didn't go back to the other world, the one where Alex wasn't.

That day marked the start of a new beginning, it was the day she became consciously aware of her situation and she became determined to get better. Recovering though wasn't easy, she'd come a long way but there was still an even longer way to go. The nightmares she'd been having, the ones where the things in white came and pulled at her were real. They weren't things but a rehabilitation team responsible for getting her body working again. Everyday they would come in and stretch and pull her arms and legs, at first it hurt, she would cry and a few times even begged Alex not to make her do it but he said she had to, that it was for her own good. She couldn't argue with him so she just closed her eyes and sucked it in and after a few weeks it didn't hurt so much.

She was slowly but surely making progress, she was getting stronger. They got her out of bed and she learnt to walk again. It was difficult and frustrating but Alex stood with her, he told her he'd already been through it, that she could do it, and when it was all over it would be worth it.

And worth it, it was, four months after she 'woke up', a couple days short of exactly one year after the accident she was discharged. It was their anniversary, and she was getting the best present imaginable, she was going to sleep in her own bed, she was going to sleep there with Alex.

"Easy now," Alex said as he gripped her hand tightly in his own and helped her off the bed.

"I'm okay Alex, I can do this." She said, placing both feet on the floor.

"I know," Alex smiled at her but he didn't let go. He helped her walk the two steps over to the stroller and wrapped her hands around the handles. "I just want to make sure we get out of here in one piece."

"Right," She gave him a wink and took a deep breath. She'd been waiting for this day for a long time, she was excited about it but nervous too. Alex had the whole day planned out for them, it was nothing too exciting, most of it would be spent at their home, but just being home was something. Alex had promised her he would cook a feast for breakfast, eggs, bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, and sausage. She was looking forward to it, she couldn't remember the last time Alex had cooked for her. The morning and the afternoon were going to be all about them as a family, finally home together. Little Bella was four months old now and she'd developed quite a personality, she was a happy little baby and she already had toys she liked to play with the most. She would always smile when this rag doll with a crackly skirt was waved in front of her, she loved that doll and watching her daughter play was one of the things Izzie liked doing the most. She was such a smart little girl and Izzie couldn't look at her without feeling a warm sense of pride.

The day was all about them as a family but the evening would be all about the two of them. Alex had some how talked Meredith into taking Bella for the night so they could have some alone time. He was going to take her out for dinner and then head back to the house, he hadn't told her what he had planned but every time he started talking about it he got excited.

"Are we ready to go?" She asked feeling his arm wrap around her back.

"I'm ready when you are." He told her and she took her first step, she began to push the stroller forward and the biggest smile spread across her face. She'd done it; she'd learnt to live all over again. She was going home, and her life as Isobel Karev was about to truly start.


	60. Epilogue

**AN: So this is the end of the story. If you're reading this far I'd love to know what you thought of the story. I hope you have enjoyed it and are not disappointed by how the end has come about. But if you are that is ok also. **

Epilogue

**_Three years later_**

Izzie sat down on the floor and reached for the box in front of her. She pulled it towards her and began pulling at the sticky tape, she'd sealed the box up days ago but now it was the only thing left and she just had to look at it again. Inside were all her photo albums, the ones from when she was in college, her wedding album, and the hundreds of photos she'd taken of her daughter, and Alex. She pulled out the first album, her daughters and opened it. The first images were of ultrasounds, she'd had a lot of ultrasounds during her pregnancy and Alex had kept every single one of them. He'd said it was because he wanted to capture everything, he wanted to have it all there for their little girl to see one day. The thought of Alex putting away the images made her smile and as she blinked she realized she was tearing up.

She sighed and turned the pages, until she reached the first photograph, it was a picture of her sitting up in a hospital bed, Alex was beside her, he had his arms wrapped around her body and was helping her to cradle Bella. The moment the image captured was the first time she'd held her little girl, they were both smiling at the camera and there was a glow in both their eyes. She could still remember that moment, that moment marked the first clear memory she had from after the accident. She reached down and ran her fingers over the photo, she blinked her eyes and she felt tears run down her face. She couldn't look at the photos without crying, seeing the images always overwhelmed her with emotion, they symbolized so much.

Not a day went by that she wasn't grateful for having both of them; that she didn't think about how close she came to losing it all. She could still remember things from the world where Alex wasn't, sometimes the memories from there would come at her so fast she would scare herself into thinking they were real, or she would start talking about something and the person she was with, usually Meredith would turn to her and say 'Iz that never happened'. It was a strange unnerving feeling when that would happen, because those things did happen, the memories were real to her, it made it hard to move on, to move past what had happened.

That was one of the reasons they were moving, why they'd sold their dream home and were moving to New York. She didn't want to be the woman who almost died anymore; she didn't want that event and the struggle she had gone through to recover to be how other people defined her. She was tired of people looking at her and going wow, she just wanted to live her life which was hard to do in Seattle. Everyone in Seattle knew who she was; who her family was, that was one of the reasons they were moving, but really the opportunities on offer to them were just too good to turn away. Alex had a fellowship lined up with the country's leading craniofacial surgeon and she had a part-time fellowship in general surgery. She'd never gone back to working fulltime, she still had a few problems with fatigue and she couldn't bear being apart from her daughter for too long. She lived for her daughter, when she'd been sick it was Alex she'd longed for but it was her daughter who pulled her through. She smiled at the thought of her little girl, her Bella and Alex, they'd left the house an hour ago to fix some last minute things with HR at the hospital, she was supposed to meet them there. She let out a sigh and glanced down at her watch, it was getting late, she needed to get going.

She slipped the album back into the box and replaced the sticky tape. She took a deep breath and looked around the now empty house. She still couldn't believe she was really leaving Seattle, that she was about to start her life all over again, that she was going to get a fresh slate.

"Is that the last box?" She looked up and saw Meredith walking into the room carrying two glasses of lemonade.

"Yep," She smiled taking the glass from her friend. "Did those kids finally convince you to buy some?"

"Yeah, there are only so many times you can say no to a five year old."

The two women laughed and then looked around the completely empty house. "I still can't believe you're really going."

"Me either." Izzie sighed. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" She knew it was the right thing, she knew it was what she had to do but she needed to hear someone else say it.

"The fresh start will do you good." Meredith offered. And Izzie smiled. Meredith was always good at reassuring her, of telling her what she needed to hear. She was the one to suggest in the first place they apply for the New York fellowships, that perhaps a new city was what they really needed to move on with their lives, to put the accident behind them.

"I hope so." Izzie sighed; she sucked down the rest of the drink and handed the empty glass to Meredith. She bent down and picked up the box. "If I want to make it there by Sunday afternoon I should probably get going."

"Probably." They walked out the house together and joined the others on the front lawn. George and Derek had just finished repacking the boot of Izzie's car. The number of boxes she'd left out of the truck had kept multiplying and they'd worried they wouldn't all fit. They both looked up in horror as they saw her with another box.

"I thought you said this was everything?" Derek said waving to the precision packed boot.

"It is." Izzie smiled. "Don't worry this one can ride up the front with me."

She opened the door and placed the final box on the front seat next to where she'd be sitting. Then she looked into the back seat to check that Bella's toys were all there. It was a movement to delay the inevitable, the good bye which everyone knew was about to happen. She climbed out the car and turned to face her friends.

"I guess it's time." She said taking a reluctant step forward. She walked to Meredith first and wrapped her arms tightly around her. "Thank you so much for everything." She spoke into her shoulder. "I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for you."

"It's no problem." Meredith whispered back and she pulled her closer. "I'm going to miss you." She told her. "You have to promise me you'll take care of yourself and phone."

"I promise." Izzie whispered back and she let go.

She moved onto the next person, Derek. They weren't exactly friends but they'd grown closer over the years. He helped save her family's life, something like that wasn't easily forgotten but he'd also turned out to be a great babysitter. When they needed a night or an afternoon alone Alex could always talk Meredith into taking Bella if Derek was going to be home.

"I'm going to hold you to that promise Stevens." He said and he held out his hand. She went to shake it but he pulled her in for a hug. As her arms wrapped around his shoulder he whispered into her ear. "If it doesn't work out over there I can pull some strings for you to come back."

His gesture made her smile, she was sure it would work out. They would make it work out but it was nice to know the door was still open. "I'll keep that in mind." She smiled before letting go and moving on to Cristina.

Affection and Cristina didn't go well together. In the years they'd known each other she could almost count on one hand the number of times she'd seen her offer or willingly accept affection from another person. But here they stood and Cristina stepped forward and hugged her.

"Don't let those New York doctors push you around." She said before laughing. "What am I talking about? When have you let anyone push you around? "

"Thanks." She smiled, letting out a half laughing. She pulled her tight for one last embrace before letting go and moving on to the last person, George.

She'd left George to last on purpose; he needed to get the last goodbye because he was the only one who didn't want her to leave. "Stop crying." She told him as he wiped his eyes.

"I'm not crying," He wiped them again and tried to smile. "It's your stupid lawn. I'm allergic to it."

"Whatever." She stepped forward and hugged him "I'll only be a phone call away."

He held her there for a moment; she could feel him trying not to cry. "I'm going to miss you." He whispered.

"I know," She pulled him tighter; "I'm going to miss you too." She held him close and closed her eyes; she could feel herself beginning to cry again. She didn't want to cry, this was hard enough without the crying. "This isn't good bye." She began, swallowing her tears. "We'll keep in touch." She gave him one last squeeze and let go. She climbed into the car and rolled down the window. "I'll phone when I reach the motel tonight." She said and she drove off.

She began to navigate her car along the road, and she let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. She hated good byes, but now it was over she began to smile. She knew she was doing the right thing, she knew she was doing what she had to do, what her family had to do.

By the time she reached the hospital her eyes were dry and an excitement was building up inside of her. She pulled her car into the parking lot and scanned the area for Alex and Bella. She spotted them by the main entrance Alex was holding Bella's hand as she tried to balance along the garden wall, she kept losing her balance every few steps and he would grab hold of her to stop her falling. Izzie sat in the car and watched them; she liked watching them play when they didn't know she was there, when it was just the two of them in their own little world. Alex was a great father; anyone who would watch them together could see that.

She stayed where she was until they saw her, until she heard Bella yell. "Mommy's here!" and she watched her little girl jump off the wall and into her daddy's arms. The pair began walking towards her and she stepped out the car, she waited for them and when they were a few feet away Alex placed Bella on the grown and the little girl ran the last few steps toward her.

"Mommy," She cried, and Izzie bent down to greet her.

"Did you have fun with Daddy?" She asked giving her girl a cuddle.

"Yep!" A big smile spread across her face and her eyes lit up. "Daddy let me press the buttons in the elevator, and then he gave me rides on a spinney chair."

"Really?" Her daughter's excitement rubbed off on her own reply. "Sound like you had a great time."

"Yep," The little girl smiled again and then she put on her serious face. "Daddy says we have to go for a long car ride now. I don't like long car rides."

"I know sweetie," She ran her hand through her daughter's hair and kissed the top of her head. "I know you don't like it but just think of it as a big adventure. We're going to spend the night in a motel and if you're a good girl I might let you jump on the bed."

"Really?" Her girl looked up at her with sparkling brown eyes which mirrored her own.

"Only if you're good." She kissed the top of her head and started to stand up. "Lets get you in the car."

She opened the door and helped her climb into her car seat and fasten the seat belt. She handed her a coloring book and some crayons and when she was sure she was comfortable she turned her attention to Alex.

He was standing by the front of the car watching her and Bella, he had this goofy grin on his face and when she reached him he smiled.

"Jump on the bed?"

"Yeah," She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gave him a little kiss. "It's not our mattress she'll be bouncing on."

"True," He laughed a little and kissed her back. "We should get going; we've got a long drive a head of us."

They climbed into the car, this time with Alex driving and they hit the road. They navigated through the streets of the city and onto the highway, when they reached the open road; a long stretch which was straight Izzie reached over and placed her hand on Alex's leg. It was a movement she did with caution, in the back of her mind she was thinking she didn't want to cause another accident but she wanted to feel him when she said what she was about to say.

"So Alex," she began. "I've been thinking and this new house has four bedrooms. I think it is time we started trying to fill another one."

"Fill one?" Alex didn't take his eyes off the road but he reached down and touched her hand. "Fill one with what?"

She smiled he knew exactly what she was talking about but she'd play along. "A baby." She whispered and she ran her fingers in a small circle along his leg. "I think Bella would like a little Ally to play with."

"Ally?" She could almost hear the chuckle in his voice.

"Yes, you said I could name the next one, we're going to have a little Ally." She said the name with pride, she'd thought a lot about it and that was what she wanted.

"What makes you think it's going to be a girl?" The amused tone was still in Alex's voice.

"Just a feeling." She lent over and carefully kissed his cheek, then she sat back in her seat and adjusted the radio.

"Okay," Alex said after a few minutes, "How about when we get there we christen every room. See if we can make our little Ally in one night."

They both quietly chuckled to themselves, and then from the back seat they heard. "Mommy what's an Ally?"

They both chuckled a little harder and Izzie turned around. "I'll tell you what an Ally is when we have one."


End file.
